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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My boyfriend of 4 months does not excludes me on his weekends

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My boyfriend of 4 months does not excludes me on his weekends with his 18 year old son. I've met his son, of course. But haven't spent much time with him and am made to feel unwelcome in his home as soon as his son comes in the door. In contrast, I have 2 teenage daughters that we have taken to dinner together and spent a lot of time with. I otherwords, I am integrated him into my life and he is not doing the same.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
He maybe feeling uncomfortable around his son when you are also there. He might want to keep that part of his life separate. He wants to spend that time with his son to talk and create that bond between father and son. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or like they are excluding you because I feel he thinks he just needs that time with his son. Your also in a new relationship he might be taking things slow when it comes to his son. I think this will change as your relationship progresses. Right now this relationship is new and you are both getting to know each other. Just focus on each other and develop thins relationship. If you have anymore questions I am here to answer.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I acknowledge that his time with his son is important. But I feel ditched every time his son shows up unexpectedly or his weekend has been switched for some reason and I wasn't aware of it until I'm suddenly made to feel like i need to leave. His communication stops almost entirely - like yesterday....we've gone out together every Friday and Saturday night (plus Wednesday and most Thursdays) for the past almost four months. , Friday night we were at his place, nice bottle of wine, dinner....just drifting off to sleep when he jumps up and says "C's home, get dressed" and runs out of the room. I dress, come out and sit and chat with them for a bit, but it's obvious he now wants to be with his son so I leave. Then Saturday he barely commnucates, goes off to a 1 hour afternoon graduation function, sends me a text at 5:30 saying "inpromptu dinner with C & friends", then I don't hear from him again until an 11:30 text.
Had i known he had C all weekend and grad events, etc., i would have made other plans. But instead, i ended up feeling caught off guard and ditched. How do i get him to communicate better about his plans. We're a bit beyond the formality of making a date and make assumptions that we'll be together certain evenings.

Also, I too have a daughter graduating and she has a similar function tonight I had wanted him to go with me - but it doesn't seem to have occurred to him to invite me to his son's grad function. I've expressed my concern to him that his son will be leaving for college and I won't have had an opportunity to get to know him very well. My fear is that one of two things will happen whenever C comes home: 1) I'll be the stranger that somehow showed up suddenly while he was gone, or 2) I'll be ditched again everytime he's home from college. (I think it'll be #2). He didn't have much of a response to my concern. I don't want to push him, so have taken and just wait and see attitude.

Just a little background, we've been dating more casually since December- once a week dinners - and have known each other almost 5 years. Both of us were previously completely wrapped up in our kid's and not open for pursuing a serious relationship in the past. I, too, was very protective of my kids and kept them away from my relationships. But now that they are 18 and 19, they and I are more comfortable integrating. They know my boyfriend well and like him a lot. I'd like that same opportunity with his son.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Your children were your main focus always when it came to this relationship and I feel that you both understanding each other because you both have children. Your children are your extremely important and you have even put relationships on hold. Now that your children are older you both decided to have relationship. You both have know each other a long time now and I feel that he is just trying to spend as much time with his son before he leaves for college. College will be quite a change and he will be very busy with school. He will be making new friends and constantly studying and I think your boyfriend knows he has to enjoy the time he has right now with his son before he is too busy. I understand you feel when you are in the room they don't want you to be there and it might have to do with they have trouble talking around you. They might want to have that guy time where they might want to talk about you and how much he cares about you. There could be personal things the son is going through that he does not feel comfortable talking about in front of others. He might be nervous about college, graduation. I do feel that these things need to be pointed out how you feel. Because I think some times your boyfriend doesn't understand that you should be included. I feel it is because it was always him a and his son and he never had to think of anyone else, so he needs to know how you feel. That you think his son is great and you also enjoy spending time with him. The reason why you know to invite him places and involve him is because you know how you feel and want to include him in your life. But he needs to be shown how you feel, but explain it in a way that he understands. You wouldn't want to say you are hurt, you want to say that you understand he loves spending time with his son, but that you do to. That he is a great dad and has an excellent relationship with his son.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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