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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
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Relationship help

Customer Question

Hello, I need some advice/help, as i don't know what to do, or what I could do. Long story short....I am in a relationship long term..have been for 12 years, we are not married, but as good as married. I am a 38 year old woman and my boyfriend is 37. We have a 9 month old baby. Baby was planned and we both adore her. Problem: we do not get on anymore , we argue all the time, we are both very unhappy. My boyfriend works full time, I haven't worked for a few years, have been depressed, been signed off work, and now I have severe OCD that is ruining our lives. I am getting help for the OCD, got the right medication, and see the local mental health team. I have been also seeing a guy for CBT. We both think our relationship is dying, and it's not even because of the OCD, even though the OCD is a living hell. We can't even talk to each other now without it turning into a big stupid fight..any thing I say..he bites my head off. We have no ''relations'' of anykind anymore. We both need to sort it out, some how. MY PROBLEM is : what happens now? I have no money of my own to move out, even for a bit to have a ''break''. I want to have my baby with me, she has my last name. I hope I have rights. I have no idea what to do..where to go, who to talk to. What happens to couples like this? I am very depressed most of the time, apart from my wonderful baby, my life doesn't seem worth living anymore. If it wasn't for my baby, I would probably end my life, but I can't as i have to go on for my baby. I just want to be happy with my baby. My baby is amazingly an extremly HAPPY baby...I am worried she will be affected by all this
  mess as she gets older. Please help. 

Also, I don't think I would be able to get a job to move out, to get a place of my own for my baby and me, as I have not worked for a few years due to depression, anxiety, and now OCD. I have lost jobs in the past because of these reasons. If I can't support myself on my own and now with a baby..what can I do? Be homeless? I have no one that I can stay with, no family or friends that could or would be able to help. 
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
Hello,
Thanks for using JustAnswer. I am a relationship expert here on JustAnswer. I think I can be of service to you.

I am sorry the both of you are in so much pain.

The two of you have added a new dimension to your relationship (parenting). I know it is hard to imagine the two of you getting on again. If it could be worked out, this would be the very best option.

To be most helpful I need a little more information (though you did a great job describing your situation above).

How long has it been that the two of you have not been getting on?

How long have you had OCD symptoms?

Are you both willing to work at the relationship or is one, or both of you, determined to end it?

Thanks.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley
Relationship Expert
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello and thank you for getting back to me.

We have not been getting on...for several months I guess...off and on. Though, I think it has been going downhill ( relationship ) for maybe a few years..slowly..off and on.
My boyfriend works nights also...which is hard as I too get into bad sleeping patterns, and now so does my baby, sometimes. We are always so tired..going sometimes days without sleep, my boyfriend somehow can and does survive on anywhere from 45 minutes to 2-3 hours a night of sleep- only. He says he hasn't really slept since our baby was born...9.5 months ago! I too lose alot of sleep..I am either losing sleep due to reasons of OCD ( I have the germs and contamination ocd) I feel very, and often suicidal because i have OCD, it's taken my life away, and puts a tonne of pressure on the relationship, though my boyfriend fully understands it is an illness, and is very very supportive about the illness, and says he loves me, not the illness, and just wants me to get better..to have the ''old'' me back, and so do I!! MORE than you can imagine.
I think I have always had a BIT of OCDness...but NOTHING that rules my life...now it is extreme. I lose alot of sleep because of it, and so can my boyfriend. LUCKILY, our baby is a very GOOD baby..so she is no trouble, but I feel I not able to be the kind of mum I want to be because of the OCD.
Like I said I think I've always had some bits of OCD..but I could live a normal life..nothing like it is now. So..I would say I have had these proper OCD symptoms since the end of my pregnancy..the pregnancy hormones, etc...

I don't know what to do, I would be willing to work at it..but at the moment, we can't even talk most of the time..you could cut the atmosphere with a knife sometimes!

Sometimes I feel it's best we separate. My boyfriend says he loves me that I am everything he wants, and more. But now we swear at each other, and have no respect for each other, even have been known to argue in public and infront of guests , family and friends. I hate it, and it's embarrassing.
I feel it would stay like it is if I hadn't brought up that we aren't happy, and that maybe we should split up. Sometimes I just wish I as able to leave with my baby..but I have no where to go, and no money.
I love my boyfriend, but hate what we;ve become :(

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
Hello,
Sorry you are feeling so badly and for so long now. You have made a good decision (many times now) to resist the option to take your life as a way to end your pain. You are right your daughter needs you. She need you and she needs your example of finding a way to endure when it seems impossible.

Things are really bad for you right now but you must try to believe they won't always be.

What does your BF do for work?

Tell me more about you OCD, when is it most difficult? What is the hardest thing about it for you?

Are you taking any medication? Does it help at all?

Do you get much exercise?

I understand sleep is a problem for you, how does the OCD interfere with your sleep and with his?

I know you are going through such a hard time. Try not to despair.

I look forward to hearing more about you.

Sincerely,
Mark Manley

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