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My boyfriend and I have been together 3 months now. He was divorced approx 7 months. They hid the plans for divorce from the kids and continued to live inthe same home. He has an 11 year old daughter and a 22 year old daughter who lives with her boyfriend in another County. His ex wife found out about our relationship and immediactely started problems and took the 11 year old to counseling because she felt it was bad for her mental state even though she said she liked me. The counseling session happened 1 day after meeting me on the sly by her mother using her own counselor not a neutral one. The ex wife has control problems and now as a result of my boyfriend and I dating she immediately said she wated to go back to mediation. She became vicious and called me names and insulted my Spanish heritage with some choice names. Now his 11 year old is so confused she doesnt want me around when she is with her Dad not even for 1 hour to get to know her fo ice cream nothing. The last thing I want to do is take her dads time away from her. The problem is my boyfriend lets her call the shots. We almost ended a relationship last night because she didnt approve of me or my little 8 yr old who was as kkind as anything to her. We went to play mini golf had fun got home and she wanted us to leave based on her actions. I was told she feels like Im coming between and she feels "in competitiion" with me which is ridiculous. I tried by doing things for her, telling her she should come out with her dad with my children and I and making her feel very liked. She says no to everything. Shes very timid and shy and softspoken. It breaks my heart because her Dad and I are so in love to see each other we wait till she goes to bed and I sneak in to see him and sneak out before she gets up. Our time is linmited because of the days he has her and I have my 3 girls, so it was his idea for me to come over so we have to\ime together. It gets more complicated, his ex makes him feel like a bad dad if he has to work late. He leaves all decision making up to his 11 yr old. He asks if its ok for me to come over to spend just a few hrs with them. He has her 50% of the time. For example he likes to play racketball for heralth reasons. He has a set time with friends on Sundays from 8 to 10am. He will nmot play when he has her as she does not like to go to the gym and sit for 2 hrs in the kids area. Although he wants to she said he couldnt and he told me its his decision. She tells him she is not ready for a "stepmom" or "sisters" and will never be. This puts pressure on him. He has cried in front of me 3 times now with gutwrenching agony. He feels guilty and torn. H e loves me and I am a good influence on him and bring him up encouraging him to continue fitness and just let her know to tellhis 11 yr old its important for his health. It creates conflict. She can feel the conflict that really is being generated by her mother and her feelings and reacts to her dads stress. He sid he will let his dtr decide when and if shes ready and will not put any stress on her. I understand he wants to be a good dad but theres an element of guilt behind it. He is calm and rational and the ex is irrational and threatening to take her away with every move she makes. In fact because I saw her for the second time last night with 1 of my daughters she is threatening not to let him see her although in shared custody agreeement. Just fyi we met online both looking for the same things,fell in love and love to be togther so this tormenting us. He got out of a bad 25 yr marraige and ve been divorced a few yrs now. He is willing to make this work so he and I are having a counselor come this Thursday for couple counseling. We have no problems between us its all generated by other people. His older daughter hates the fact we are together and wants no part of it. We are two independent people with healthy relationship values so you would think it was a match made in heaven. I love him he loves me. He said one day he wants me to be his wife but couldnt put a ring on my finger because of what his dtr will feel. He said he was at the make or break point in our relationship even though shortI would rather not have the opinions re that we have known each other a short time thats not the point). He wholeheartedly wants counseling to help sort this out. My question is this relatinship possible if i I am not a permissive parent and he is? My kids love him and look forward to seeing him. No tension on that side. i also have shared custody but without issue. What can I do to help this and to support him? How should he help us. Anything is welcome please...
Already Tried: talking to her,will try counseling this week