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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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am in love with the man 9 am 49, he is 56 ), i have teenage

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am in love with the man 9 am 49, he is 56 ), i have teenage children 9 girls, he nevr had kids. We boyfriend/girlfriend, also am not sure if he is serious, but we agreed at teh beginning that we not sleeping with other people, or dating others. My man has two serious relatioships in his life. He has exgirlfriend, whom he been together for 15 years ( lived together for 8). Then he was married to woman he new since teenage days for 13 years, and divorsed 6 yrs ago. He is on teh good terms with his exes. His wife is coming an ddoing his business books 2-3 times a year ( she left him for someone elce and youinger) And his first exgirlfriend ( kikked him out 20 yeras ago, but never met anyone, and never wanted anyone but him...) . he is telling me they are been just friends, and he never ever wanted he physicaly afetr they split up, but even when he was married to second one for 13 years, she was always around the coner and his wife hated this fact all those years).
Now he met me a year ago, we fell in love,become intimat after 12 weeks of dating. h eis coming to my place once - twice, sometimes when he is busy every two weeks, because its two hour drive.
My question is, his first ex mooved abroad about 4 years ago, but coming to UK every 2-3 times a year to see realtives, business and other, and always stays at his house. h ealso goes there a year for nice two week holliday.
When i learned that for sure after 6 month of dating, we started to argue, i become upset and unsure of everything. He seems to be very genuan, when he swears, i hav enothing to worry about, and last time they been lovers 20 years ago. But there is a bid BUT, - he said hornestly that this woman a bit mental, still loves him, and after his devorse wanted tehm to go together again. That about 35 yera ago she had trauma that had changed her life and contributed to her not wanted to move on and it change his life too. ( I think you can guess whats happened )
He is getting stressed at me blaming me that i want to change things that ruted long ago, and he loves only me. I stressed to him, that i dont want to change him or his life much, and sugetsed that he inroduced her to me and my kids, i will cook nive dinner, and he will show her that he got me, and am inportant to him ( like he alwasy says). But to my make me more worried and unghappy, he refused to do so , saying that he told , her, and she is unhappy, and he will never agree to come to my dinner, it will tremendously upset her, and he can tdo that becuse he cares about her....( !!!!!!!?????) I've invited them 2 3 times over this years, every time now he become silent, upset that i wont to let it go and TRUST, TRUST, TRUST him.....

please help me. I know i trust him he doesnt sleeps with her, but also i know, i cant agree and nevr will to ingnore it and get along with what he sugesting to me. I am very confused and frustarted. I want to leave him, but he is begging me not to. I dont know what to do...
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
This is very awkward situation but when you take the man you accept the baggage. The only way to resolve this is to continue to discuss this issue so that a compromise is reached. Work on boundaries with him and how you feel he is crossing them. You can't eliminate her but you can work to make more appropriate choices. He probably cares about her as the mother of his children. You may have to become accustomed to some contact due to the circumstances. You don't have to live with being overly friendly
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you for your answer but, am not fully satisfied.

 

i wrote in my question, that, this man nevr had children with any ex women in his life. And that his first ex had an abortion, thats why she is so clingy, and he feel responsable for her unghappiness in life, also he is saying, that he doesn twont to get together with her as a couple, but just friends.And i just htink that keeping her all this yeasr next to him, he is not doing anygood to her , ( she could meet another men and find love) , this will never be good to him, because its sterssfull and unhealthy for his present or any future relatinships. he saying he is kind, to me - its been cruel in teh way... do you think i should tell him am not allowinh him to go again on holliday to her place, because i was expecting him to go with us..... Am also not stoping him of her staying at his [place all the time sh eis in the country, but sugesting that he will involove me to come and be around, but he refusing and its akward, because, when she is her for 2-3 weeks, he is there with her solid, i cant call or turne over there. Dont you think its crazy and unhealthy? Dont you think its not enough keep of him begging me to trust him, and stay away, and keep this two separate realtionships alive ?

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I agree about keeping her. I think ex's don't need to be friends unless there are children. He is doing her a disservice by keeping her in his life because this leaves the door of hope open for a relationship. I know that other people may disagree, but I am just being honest. It also impacts the present relationship usually in a negative way. If she is not connected to him then he wouldn't have to worry how he is treating her. She could move on and he could distance himself from being in her personal life. I don't agree with his arrangements for her being here either. If it is innocent then why can't you call. Why can't you have dinner. That is the part that seems inappropriate. I don't think he is crazy. He just has a strong personality and he wants things relative to this done a certain way. Two separate relationships should never be alive. He needs to make choices that helps one person feel they are in a positive relationship with him. He can't continue to treat you like you are part of his life but don't have his whole heart.
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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