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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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I need to know what is going on with a certain guy who seems

Resolved Question:

I need to know what is going on with a certain guy who seems to be interested in me. But he doesn't think I have feelings for him too because I am too shy to do anything about it. I freeze every time I see him in a closer vicinity. It feels like my body is doing things on its own without any connection to my mind. For example I see him standing in the way waiting for me to make a move and I just smile at him politely and go past him while I wanted to take time and at least look at him for some time. The another problem is he is a VP in the same company I am working as almost nobody . Most of the problems are in me. what do I do? I wish some third party could talk to him and tell him what I feel and get his answer. If he knows they have to keep it confidential and also I am initiating, he will feel safer. This has been going on for almost 3 months now.  I also feel there are other colleagues who could be interfering. Also, I have to cross his office to go anywhere from my place. So, we wave at each other or smile at least a few times and I always shy away when there are some other colleagues talking to him. I feel like that will ruin his reputation but he doesn't really seem to mind and I get the feeling that he thinks I am trying to keep it a secret. But at this stage, I don't want to publicly showing any affectionate looks when people are around.

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

After reading your question I am struck by your confusion. You are wondering why your body refuses to allow you to talk to one of the leaders of the company you work for. You somehow think that after one email he is as smitten with you as you are with him? Your body is telling you that this is a dangerous situation for both of you. He knows clearly how much female employees have sued and won on sexual harassment charges that may have started out innocently. You must have some idea that the quickest way to get fired is to flirt with your bosses' boss. That email will seal your fate if you try anything more. My suggestion to you is to follow what your body is saying to you and find someone on your leeel to spend time with.

Customer:

He was the one who initiated this. At first I didn't know who he was. I was just walking while he was sitting in one of the rooms with some other employee. His back was facing the way I was walking and he turned 180 and looked me in the eye. Nobody in his position has ever done that even if they are my closest friends. Also, one day he was walking with another colleague and I was going for coffee with someone from my level and he was looking at me , smiling at me wit his tongue out a little and touching his upper lip. This happened on May 11th. The very next day, he came out of his room everytime I walked by and waved at me and smiled at me. One time he was drinking coffee so he could not wave at me, so he waited for me to come back and then he came out of his office and again waving, looking and smiling at me. After this, I made a mistake of telling my girlfriend about a guy I like but I did not mention in the work or particularly him. Also, I sent him another email on May 13th thanking him for his nice gesture because I waned him to know that I noticed his efforts to make feel good. I was on top of the world, literally. I don't know what he expected from me and I was afraid I might have disappointed him. Then on May 16th I was coming into office, exacly the same time and he had his head tucked between his hands. I was feeling very shocked because I didn't know what I did wrong. I was afraid may be my friend guessed who I was talking about and told other colleagues and it went to him and he didn't like it. Other than that I don't know how else I could explain this. I need to tell you about my background so that you will know why physically I am not able to express. I am an Indian and a widow of 18 years. I have never thought that I could feel this way. I was brought up in such a way that good girls cannot even flirt with the husbands. Indian men don't want a relationship with a woman other than by marriage where the roles are set. They may have secret affairs but having a relationship with a woman is beneath them. This guy is white and I would never have entertained any such notion. But something is there for real and I don't want to ignore this. Will this change your advice?

Customer:

But after this incident, I didn't look at him for 2 days. But on the 3rd day when I looked at him he was waving at me in a very friendly manner.Even yesterday he was smiling and waving at me. I need to know what he wants from me. I have said hi to our CEO, many other SVPs and VPs. In fact I know one more VP for more than 4 years who is very frindly and we always talk at least few words. No problem there. Bu this guy is behaving very differently.

Customer:

Can you tell me what to do?

Kevin Kappler :

You have two problems here and you need to know what they are to be prepared. First if he initiated the contact then you need to be concerned about his judgement. He is not showing mental stability in reaching out to you. Second is your coworkers who when they get a whiff of a good scandal will do everything in their power to sabotage you and your career in the company. They can be quite destructive with just rumors and innuendo. In the long run you would do much better to find someone outside of your work because you must remember an affair may last for a little while but you have to face that person every day while you work there.

Customer:

I know about the co-workers and I can handle them. But I am sure he did everything he could to reach out to me but he always misunderstands my body language. It is very difficult for me to look at him every time I walk past his office and especially if he is with other employees. On some occasions, I just look down and walk . Usually my point has always been to be keep a polite and respectful distance. So, whenever I do that he becomes upset and refuse to look at me the next time I walk by. It is still ok with me. After that it takes me a while to look at him sometime a day or 2. But whenever I took a chance again and turn my head, there he was looking at me intently or waving and smiling readily. This pattern never changed. I will be comfortable outside the office but I could not forget our professional relationship when I am inside. If I decide to start a relationship with him, I would quit this job because it will not be morally and ethically right since it will change all the status-quo between my boss and other colleagues of mine. How could I create a chance to meet him outside the work?

Kevin Kappler :

Well well it is always amazing to me the power of unrequited love. So you are willing to quit your job just to see where this relationship will go. If that is the case you must be understandably frustrated at your physically being unable to break out of being demure. Anticipation and excitement is a dual emotion. It can bring pleasure and allow you to dance across the floor as well as it can make you hide in the shadows paralyzed with stage fright. I ca help you regain your courage. You need to actively look for another job, let him know you would like to meet him for coffee somewhere away from the office and try to understand why you behave the way you do. You need to realize that your body is telling you something and you have not understood it yet. Do you feel that you are not ready for a new relationship?

Customer:

I am ready for this relationship both emotionally and physically. I know I could if the settings are right. Once I establish that connection with him on the personal level then it will be easier for me to be his girl publicly. I know my whole circle of friends and people who have known me for a long time will be shocked as much as I was until I accepted the fact that I have feelings for him even though there is so much of a difference in every aspect from food, race to religion. This is totally out of my character and comfort zone. But I am willing to give us a chance and ready for any outcome. I just don't know how to start.

Customer:

Let me know how you can help me. Not necessarily to land this guy but to understand why my perspective of this situation is like this. I could just let is all go. I have other offers from 2 Indian professionals who are very nice, highly educated and with similar backgrounds. Actually I put them on hold after I realized I started to have feelings for this guy.

Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience: 24 years in a private practice
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Doctor Kevin
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