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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My girlfriend broke up with me after two years. I am still

Customer Question

My girlfriend broke up with me after two years. I am still in love with her and thought she was the one. She used to tell me i was the man of her dreams and was very much in love with me.
I am trying to get her back but and confused with her signals. She called me one week after the break up to chat and acted on teh phone like she did when we first dated 2 yrs ago.
I have limited my contact with her but called her last week and left a voice message and a quick friendly follow up email last Friday. I didnt hear back until yesterday she sent me a nice short email saying hi and hope all is well and that she would call me this weekend.
I replied to the email. Basically are these good signs she may be thinking about giving us a second shot and what can i do to help this process out?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. You have handled the break up well, you haven't imposed on her, you let her decide when to make contact and you keep your interactions with her on a good level. Most people are not able to do these things at all.

 

From your description, it seems your ex girlfriend is having some issues with the breakup. Did she ever mention a reason she broke up with you? Her actions now seem to indicate that she either regrets her decision, she is testing you to see how you react (not a great thing to do but it is possible) or she was involved in another relationship and does not want to let you go.

 

Whatever her reason, you are handling it well. Allow her to make the contact and convince you that another try is worth it. Don't do this in a mean way. Keep it neutral and open. If there is an issue with her, you don't want to get hurt again. Let her work it out. You will be able to tell if there is a problem by how she acts. If she calls you then disappears for a while or she tries to control your relationship, then you know there is a problem. But if it progresses well and she starts to try to make amends, then another go at it is worth a try.

 

Let me know if I can help in any other way,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

When she broke off the relationship she said we arent right for each other and in the long run it would not work out such as living together and marriage. This obviously confused me as the past few years she wrote in emails, cards and told me in person i was the man of her dreams.

 

Recently she has gone through a lot. She took a new job one week before the breakup. She visited her mother in Arizona for mother's day and she told my ex if things dont work out job / life etc she could move back home and live there not worry about a job etc. Then i upset her a few days before the break up so i was thinking all these factors combined led to the break up.

 

If she calls this weekend would that be too soon to ask to get together for a drink? I have a lot of her belongings to return to her that i could use that as a meet up excuse?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

No, it is not too soon. You need information about what she is thinking and that would give you the opportunity to get a better handle on the situation. It is a tough balance of keeping a good distance and getting more information so you have some control over the situation.

 

When you see her, be polite and nice, but don't show any signs of wanting another relationship with her. Allow her to make the first move. She needs to decide if she really wants to continue your relationship.

 

I agree, some of those factors you mentioned could have led to the breakup. But my concern is that she sounds unsure of what she wants. Upsetting her one time should not contribute to a breakup unless it was something significant, like cheating or lying. So be careful that if you go back with her that she does not break up with you at the slightest provocation. This would be a very difficult relationship if that is the case.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

Well i was expecting a phone call over the weekend from Ashley but never got one. I sent her a text message late Friday night while out in the city with friends. I didn't realize i even sent this message since my phone was dead and must have had too much to drink.

 

I sent her a text which was a little embarrassing....it said i truly love her so much....having a great night in the city with all these people but how much i still love her and how amazing she is.

 

So the next day when i realized i sent that i left her a voice mail apologizing just saying i had too much to drink and didn't mean to send the text and also didn't mean to put her in an awkward situation. Yesterday i also called and left her another voicemail just hoping she had a great weekend and to call me this week so we can catch up.

 

Needless to say she never called this weekend. What should i do now? i am concerned my text may have scared her away....since she emailed me last week and said she would call. Things were looking positive to talk and set up a meeting so i could really talk to her in person but no i am worried the hard work and patience i put in the past 3 weeks is ruined and she may be gone for good.

 

I am willing to work and do what ever it takes to get a second chance especially since it was such a sudden and unexpected break up with no fights or anything of that manner.

 

I need your advice on how to proceed and what will work/ what doesn't work.

 

Thank you so much.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

It would be a good idea at this point to back off. Give her some space. She is aware of how you feel and may feel crowded so she is not responding. You do not want to appear too desperate or she will want to end the relationship all together.

 

If she does love you, then she will come back to you. But at this point, she has no reason to make an effort because you are making one for her. She knows she is wanted and there is no need to prove she loves you.

 

It is hard to stay away when you want to be with someone. And her being away from you makes your feelings more acute because you miss her. But try thinking of your situation as temporary. You will know where you stand with her when you give it some time and allow her to figure out what she wants from your relationship.

 

Keep busy and make an effort to be around other people. Try to make your day full of activities and things that will bring you happiness. It will help prevent you from focusing on your relationship and it will open opportunities for you in case things do not work out for you and Ashley.

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

Thank you for your advice. It is all so confusing. Before this weekend it looked good as she was emailing me and going to call. I feel like i should email her and put it all on the table but i do not want to crowd or loose her by doing so.

 

How long do you feel is adequate before i should call or email her again? I understand i should give her space but i do not want to be "out of sight/ out of mind" and have her go off and date someone else. I basically am torn between the trying to be friends to get her back or laying all out on the table....telling her i am making the changes she wants and want to give it a second chance as we had too much of a good thing together. In the ideal world she would meet me for a drink or dinner so i can return her belongings and i could spill everything i am thinking.....but again i was told this is wrong and i should just keep things friendly.

 

I have another question too......her mother is a very intelligent woman and also gives a lot of advice to others. Would it be out of line for me to email her mother telling her how i feel about her daughter and asking for her advice and help?

 

Thank you

Kevin

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.
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