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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6887
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I met a man in 2008, everything was going well and in 2009

Customer Question

I met a man in 2008, everything was going well and in 2009 he asked me if I would like to move in with indefinitely and I said what are you trying to do, propose to me. Kidding around with him. I did move in with him and everything was fine. Now last year, I've noticed that he has become very edgy and moody. One minute he could be nice, then the next minute nasty. He did state in the beginning of our relationship that maybe he would marry in 3-5 yrs. I have since mentioned to him if he would like to get married and he went through the roof, he said that he was never married in his life, and he's not marrying me or anyone. He said that there's no reason why we should get married at our age which we are 62 & 63. I'm a widow, and he's never been married and has no children. He has been in several relationships but he said that he was just never destined to be married. He said he has no knowledge of marriage? He has come from a terrible family life where his mother drank and father was abusive. They fought all the time he said and even his relatives never came around anymore. We are together now 3 yrs. He tells me that he loves me all the time, but what I don't understand is that he said that he loves me but not the way that I love him. I asked him to explain that to me and he said that he cares for me and wants only the best for me>?? What does that mean? I've asked him to explain that to me. He said that it's not like when he was in his teens. I'm confused and can't figure out what the hack he's telling me. He said that he has a lot of feeling for me, but he doesn't love me in the same way as I do, he said, meaning, because I want to get married and he doesn't. So I said to him well, all I am to you is just a friend? Nothing deeper, he said that this is the best that he could do!
He said again that he cares very much for me, and that I could live here as long as I like! This has me deeply hurt, for I love him, and he doesn't feel the same way as me. He had told me several months ago that he isn't a romantic men. That he doesn't have those qualities in him. Where I'm a very loving, passionate, romantic woman. He has no friends, nether do I except my family and relatives. He has no one. He has 3 brothers but they don't bother with him. He was in a relationship with a woman 12 yrs ago whom he said that he was in love with. She was not divorced because he needs her husbands insurance. So how could he be in love with this woman and not be in love with me. I had asked him that and he tells me that was a long time ago. I asked him then if you were in love with each other and why did you part?? He said because they fell out of love. They went out for 3 yrs. I just can't figure this out.. Then I told him that I would move out! He said no I don't want you to leave! I love you he tells me. What is his problem. Also, he has been seeing a Social Worker since last June. Once a week. But nothing changed with him. He tells me all the time that he likes peace and quiet, and he always been used to being along. if I open my mouth to make conversation he asked me to be quiet. He seems to be stressed very easily. We have been arguing everyday, I'm a very nice woman, and I want to help him get help and get away from this social worker, I asked him to get diagnosed by a psychologist to see what kind of depression he has and maybe he could get medicine to help him. He told me that he has what they call seasonal depression. Which I don't understand. Would you have any suggestions on what I'm supposed to do?? Every little thing bothers him, he said that I talk too much. In the mornings when we eat breakfast and I want to talk he Tell's me to stop. Or he'll get up and go in his room. He reminds me all the time that this is his house. He doesn't like changes, I can't change anything not even his curtains which he has the same color curtains in each room. Anyway, I'm willing to stay with him and not get married. But, do you think I'm wasting my time with this man. I'm not in a financial position to move right now. And really I don't want to go. He always said that we are together all the time. I go visit my mother and sister in the day and I stay away for about 4-5 hours. This is about 3 times a week. I do this to give us space. And he goes to the gym 3 times a week for 2 hours. But yet he Tell's me that he feels smothered sometimes. Now this evening I left to go shopping and spent 5 hours out this evening, and I get 4 phone calls from him asking me to come back home that I don't have to stay away too long. Now do you believe it! I don't know what to make out of this relationship. Also, as far as being intimate is concerned, he doesn't have the desire as he had when he was younger, he tells me. If we get intimate once a week I'm lucky, or once in two weeks. I don't know what to do? I'm very confused at this point, if you have any ideas, I'd like to hear them. Thanks.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

Seasonal depression is depression that comes and goes depending on the weather or the season meaning that it is often worse in the win ter when it is cold and dreary. As far as his sexual desire, he is right that this can get progressively smaller for men his age. I don't know how he means the things he says, but he seems to be more comfortable having a steady relationship not based on love or passion. He is very content to be with the familiar and the comfortable rather than romantic. He can love someone without feeling in love which is the passion and the romance. If you want to stay there is nothing wrong with that just know that men do not get more romantic and loving if they are saying I don't want to be in love. It is likely to remain as it is. I wouldn't stress what he has done in the past,but focus on your relationship with him. Your decision to go or stay must be based on whether you are comfortable with things the way they are. They are not likely to change. But he probably loves you to his capacity just not the way you want

 

 

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Dear Pyslady, Thank you for your answer and yes I will accept your answer, but what I don't understand is, that he tells me that he loves me, but not the way I love him, this is what's killing me. I only know that he tells me that he's not romantic, loveing and caring as me,. He said that he doesn't process those qualities in him. So is he telling me that he does really love me, except that he's not a passionate man?? Yesterday after making love he said " I really care for you, I really do" then he said I love you. I'm an sooo comfused, can you understand what he means. Then later in the day, he'll say to me when we exchange little words between us, he'll say to me that we are not compatible. I sat down with him today, and I asked him to be upfront and honest with me and to tell me if he wants me to be with him or not. He said that he wants me with him. He is seeing a social worker for the past year. Since seeing this social worker it's been horrible. He never said that we were not compatible. He saids this now since he's been seeing this man. So I asked my boyfriend, so what are you trying to tell me, that we shouldn't be together??? I said that if you want me to leave I will, and he holds me and leans his head on my shoulder and saids no! I don't want you to leave. Then after about a good hour, I had to leave to get a hair cut. I was parked in back of him, and he had an appointment with his social worker and he had to leave. So I rolled down my window, and he gave me a kiss goodbye, and I kiddingly said to him that's all.....He said well, with everything that I went through today I don't know if I love you right now. I said OK...and left...As I drove down the block, my daughter called me on my cell phone...I pulled over to the side of the road and talked for a few minutes....In the meantime, I told my daughter gee, that's strange that my boyfriend didn't pull out of the driveway yet for he should have been in back of me...So I made a u-turn and went back down the block to see if he might have got stuck, and when I pulled up the driveway I said are you ok and he said what are you following me??? What kind of answer was that, I said I thought that maybe you couldn't get your car started. Then I left about my business. These are the things that bother me. Can you understant what's going on here??? Thank you for your answers.
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
some people can be not affectionate but that can also be an excuse. If you are so incompatible than you shouldn't be together. He can't have it both ways. If he says he doesn't love you even for a minute that is unacceptable. It seems he is very suspicious. Sounds like a guilty conscience. The only person that knows what is going on is him. But several things bother me. He seems to want to be in a relationship for the security but doesn't want to maintain the effort needed to maintain it and for the other person to be happy. He seems to change his mind like your feelings are no big deal. I fear that he uses you just for the luxury of having someone but causes chaos instead of a nice healthy balanced relationship. I think you are giving way more than he is. Think of that when you are evaluating the relationship

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