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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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id been now married for almost 2.5 husband has 2

Customer Question

id been now married for almost 2.5 husband has 2 grown kids one in college and the other in hs...our deal was once child support is over, his financial obligation is not with them and his repsonsibility with our family...since his ex had free ride cuz he overpaid more than his share she was able to have big pile of cash. its now her chance to take care of them financially ...however I am now in the position that he wants to help cosign a huge loan. his comment is since she cosign for the student loan its only fair...this really upsets me because he's going back with his words. he cant really understand it...why cant we help them...
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I definitely understand your feelings. You looked forward to this time when you would be without your obligation to them. Although I understand his feelings that they are his children, the fact that this loan could be a burden to the family has to be considered. At the very least, I would not feel obligated to sign my name to a big loan. He needs to compromise. Maybe he signs a smaller loan on his own or whatever compromise you come up with as a couple. This should be a compromise between the two of you not asking you to sign a loan when they are almost adults. I hope he can see your position.



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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
my fear is this is just a beginnng of many more request...of his attitude toward the request...seems like "no prob"...not putting it back to the ex...knowing this is her doing. if he cant prioritize with this attitude im not sure if I would want out...meaning to cut him off from my equation in terms of planning for our future. we are in the middle of buying another property for our future retirement..Im hesitant to plan anything with him now since i know his there are few issues, him going back with his words, his dealings with the ex who had many times over taken advantage of Im hesitant and upset. I dont want to feel guilty for wanting things for our future...he's done enough...why cant we call it quit here? he's been living a frugal life for them and now we shouldnt feel bad? so help me understand if Im living selfishly...keep in mind i dont have a relationship with them...
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
You shouldn't feel guilty and you shouldn't plan for the future if the relationship is shaky. Planning should be knowing that this is going to work out. You should want to know that his focus is on the relationship. You still should allow for this father/daughter but you shouldn't want him to be taken advantage of. He may feel as some fathers do that they have to overcompensate because they weren't full time parents. This happens a lot. He has to realize that spending money doesn't compensate for that. He has to realize that money isn't the answer and then he will pull back a little. He can't fix the past. Get through to this with him. You can still have a great relationship if you don't fulfill every request. You should allow for this give and take relationship but if something is too much than that request is too much. This is what he needs to understand. There has to be a limit. work on his guilt

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