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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi Me and my girlfriend have been together for three years

Customer Question


Me and my girlfriend have been together for three years and 3 months, 1 of those we were engaged and we were supposed to get married in August. She has always been telling her parents and her friends that I am her husband to be and we were always very happy in terms of all aspects of the relationship.

Until a few months ago, both of us got caught up in work and everything else, not giving a lot of attention to our relationship. I knew things weren't perfect but I didn't know that we were on the edge of breaking up. So on 11 April she tells me that she wants to postpone the wedding because she is not sure if this is the lifestyle she wants, and the passion is gone and she wants to focus on her work and a couple of more reasons. There were quite a few. After hearing this I think I made the most common mistakes that guys make, I told her over and over that I love her more than anything, I spoiled her with candle light dinners and choclates, wrote letters and cards. Basically did everything trying to fix this. Because I do love her more than anything.

I think in the end I just pushed her over the edge and she dumped me on 13 May 2011. It tore my world apart. She gave the same reasons, saying that she had changed, she wants to focus on her work, the passion was gone, a lot of reasons which I felt could very easily be fixed if she just tried. But now I'm sitting here without her. Missing her like hell and I still love her more than everything. Her side of the family is so shocked over the whole thing that they are actually my bigget support. She was very emotional during the whole thing. Is there a chance that with some time apart that she will realise that we had a great relationship and come back? What should I do to get her back? I can say from the bottom of my heart that we have to be soulmates and she even said so in our time together. Please advise
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
I want you to be yourself and do what you normally would do in the relationship. You had said you felt like you pushed her over the edge, that maybe you came on too strong. You opened up your heart telling her all your emotions. But she has still decided that she did not want to stay together. She feels the passion is gone. I want you to go back for a minute and think about what she was attracted to when you first met. Can you remember what she said that caught her eye when you both begin to date. Right now you both have been together for three years and you know each other very well. She feels like she wants to focus on other things in her life. She thinks the passion is gone from the relationship, but it's not, it just was placed on hold. I think with you both focusing on work, caused disappointment. Maybe life got so busy that she decided to protect herself and focus on work to handle disappointment. A relationship grown and builds by communication. Knowing what the other person wants and needs are in the relationship. If you are open to what these wants and needs are, you can work on having a relationship that is understanding. You need to be understanding of how each person feels. I think she is protecting herself right now from hurt. You need her to open up, you have said your emotions, now it's time for her to open up too you. I want you to take a step back and let her come back too you. If you have any more questions I am here to answer.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you very much for your advise, I really appreciate it, it make a lot of sence. I feel that her decisions were very irrational when she left so I think she needs the time to sort herself out. How do I know if she's goin to come back to me?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
You have done so much for her to show her how strong your love is for her. Once you go back to being yourself and not overflowing her with gifts, candle light dinners. she will begin to think she lost you and will begin to miss these things that you once did. She will think your feelings have changed. She needs to now tell you how she feels, let her take some time to figure out her feelings. She never was given the time to think because you were showing her how much you cared, now she needs to know how much she cares.

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