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MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. The relationship

Customer Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. The relationship is great apart from his fixation on body physique of himself...and his partner.

Having a partner who has a great body is grey important to him. I'm not fat - an english size 10 to 12 and could do with toning up....but I consider myself to be good looking. He places it at such a high level of importance almost above all else in the relationship. I am not sure whether this is a healthy fixation to have.

He says that he finds my face and legs beautiful but admits that he doesn't think that my body is up to his perception of beautiful. We have so much in common: likes and passions, hobbies, moral outlook, similar aspirations in life and family values....however, he told me recently that he is trying to figure out whether this body image issue is a "deal-breaker" for him. I have told him that i cannot be in a relationship with someone who is that shallow and have proposed a break.

I really think that this is an unhealthy and controlling view to have and don't know if I can help him...he mentioned that he might seek counselling to help him understand it better but I am struggling to understand why he has this fixation, where does it come from and can he get over this issue?

I truly
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It comes from simply having priorities that are not realistic on his part. His sense of sense and physique has become exaggerated to now where he needs it in a partner. He is indeed becoming shallow and this is a factor that will kill a relationship because he needs someone to feed his ego by looking a certain way. This is as you described it shallow. It is a way of standing out but puts demands on your that are not necessary. If you choose to stay and he doesn't come to terms with this then you will be worried about your image and genuine characteristics will become secondary. He needs help to put this in perspective and you have some decisions to make



If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 5 years ago.



I see that you've re listed for an incomplete answer, I would like to attempt to help if that's okay.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello Russ, Is there anyway I can help him see that this is an unhealthy issue? Is there anything I can do/say or is the only way for him to learn is through our break-up?

I don't know how he can move forward in this and am equally confused with what I should do - i.e. move out of our home or stay in what seems to currently be an awkward environment.
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 5 years ago.
If you've attempted to speak with him directly about how his fixation effects/affects you and your relationship and he does not seem to get it, before breaking things off, maybe ask him if he'd be willing to attend coupled counseling. If he's truly wanting to save the relationship, then he should be open to going. If he agrees, maybe having a neutral party talk with him about his body image issues may help him to see that this is not healthy and will continue to negatively effect your relationship if he continues. If he's not open and is unwilling to open his eyes to see how this matter is effecting the relationship then there is nothing that you can do or say that will help him to realize. It may take you ending the relationship and him having more failed relationships because of the same issue. As your boyfriend, it's his role to uplift you, not tear you down and I don't get a sense that that's happening.

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