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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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Is it wrong of me to be upset that my boyfriend did not call

Customer Question

Is it wrong of me to be upset that my boyfriend did not call me or text me all night after he told me at 8:30 that he would call me after he was done eating dinner. He is out of town for work and he went out to eat with the boys and they always sit and flirt with the waitresses and drink and joke around which is OK but why does that mean he can't send me a text or give me a quick call to let me know he is thinking about me? Or even call me or text me after he gets back to his room to let me know he is tired and going to bed. I even texted him finally at 12:30am after waiting all night to hear from him and I texted him "Love you!" and all I got back was "Ditto" =(
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

Is this typical behavior for your boyfriend to not follow through with what he says he will do, such as calling or texting? Or was this more unusual for him to forget to call or seem to be otherwise occupied?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It is only typical for him when he goes out of town for work. It is like he has a whole different life and I am not a part of it. I get upset more then usual now because back in December when he was in Florida, he didn't respond to any of my phone calls or text messages all night and I finally heard from him around 10:30 the next morning. Of course, he had been out at the bar and hooked up with another woman which he denied at first but the truth finally came out because it was so obvious with his behavior that something was going on. So now when he doesn't call me or text me, my first thought is he is cheating again and then my second thought is he just doesn't care about me if he can go all night without wanting to talk to me. I have been through more with this man then any other relationship I have been in and I don't know how much more I can deal with. I have ended it with him several times but he comes back and says he is trying to change and I love him so much I want to believe him but he is very social and loves beautiful women which he doesn't keep secret even when we are out together which I find upsetting also. I have asked him not to flirt with women when he is with me but he doesn't see it as flirting if he is very friendly and talkative with these women when I am around. I guess I just expect to be his number one attention when we are together...am I wrong to expect this?
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 3 years ago.
8+ years in the Social Services Field. Experience with adolescents, adults, geriatrics, mentally ill & Advance Directive information. Ask & I'll tell.

You're most definitely not wrong in your feelings especially because there was admitted infidelity. However, you know his pattern of behavior and eventhough he's told you he will change it doesn't sound like he has. So, it's really up to you to set your boundaries and determine when enough is enough.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

This is Kristin.... the first therapist who responded to you. I'm working on my answer to you and how to go from here with your boyfriend...and will post it here as soon as I'm finished....thanks.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
OK Kristin..I'm waiting. Thanks
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for your patience. You are absolutely not wrong to expect his attention, not only when you are with him, but also when you are not with him! To be looking at other women when he is with you is disrespectful to both you and the other women. A situation that makes everyone uncomfortable as it's inappropriate.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to take your feelings much into consideration and he is also shown that you cannot trust him. For someone to get over infidelity, it takes the offending partner to be completely open and honest, call when he says he will, not flirt or engage with other women and basically take the time to really rebuild the trust.

His actions show the opposite and if you put up with his behavior, the way it has been, this then tells him it's okay with you and he can just continue behaving this way.

It's not okay with you and you need to stand firm with how you feel about this and what you expect. Tell him directly. In order to be in this relationship with you, I need for you to call me when you say you will, and also be consistent with me because when you are out of town, it's as if we are not even together. Tell him what you need and expect. If he can do this, fine. But if not, I would really encourage you to move on from this man, and find someone who can be faithful and more partner oriented. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. And also, feel free to continue the discussion with me even after clicking accept. Thank you.

Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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Kristin
Kristin
Psychotherapist
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Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.