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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have gone out on 2 dates with a guy I like. He is a doctor

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I have gone out on 2 dates with a guy I like. He is a doctor finishing up his residency. He has a busy schedule. On our 2nd date, we were supposed to meet at a coffee house. Instead, I met him at his apartment which I never do. I was uncomfortable about it. Anyway, while in his apartment i was sitting waiting for him to freshen up since he had just driven many hours. He was real sweet in making me some tea. Made sure I was comfortable. He finally finished and sat next to me. Meanwhile the whole time I was thinking this will not work. I have been down those road before where I have dated a foreigner who has only been here for a few years. The previous guy i ended up marrying for the wrong reasons. he was only interested in me for help. Now, with this guy, since he is a doctor, he will get his green card and does not need anyones help. I just can't help but feel deja vu. Anyway, we were sitting down on the couch and talking. Somehow we started kssing and it got pretty heated to the point where we had to stop ourselved because I was not going to cross that line yet. He felt the same. We ended up going out for dinner. He tried holding my hand to walk across the street. I was a bit uncomfortable with that and he saw that and pulled away nicely. At the restaurant, I kinda felt like I was his girlfriend. Seemed natural. Then when we finsihed we got into my car and then started another crazy makeout session. We had to restrain ourselves. He then had me follow him to the highway to make sure I knew where i was going. He later texted me xoxo.
I am feeling anxiety and excitement. I am trying to just enjoy what happens. He wants to see me again. I am getting very nervous. Here is someone who i think truly likes me and is finally showing the interest i so deserve. there is no guessing game about his feelings. I am so used to a push and pull system that makes me so miserable. I do not know how to handle this. Why am I so nervous? I do not want to give into my anxeity as i know that maybe this guy could potentially turn into something good.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like there may be something from your past that interferes with how you see your relationships. It could be how your parents interacted (possibly a dysfunctional relationship?) or a bad experience, etc. Whatever it may be, it could be interfering with you enjoying your relationship as it is.

 

Just the fact that you are aware of how you are reacting to this relationship is good thing. Your insight will help you avoid reacting the same way you did before in previous relationships. Explore what you feel may be at the root of your fear. Look at how it may interfere and be aware of it. If you feel it warrants therapy, consider seeing someone. However, just being aware may be good enough.

 

Explain how you feel to your boyfriend. Let him know it's not his fault and that you are working on it. This is so he realizes it is not him or the relationship that is bothering you. It makes it easier for the relationship to continue.

 

Take the relationship slow. There is no reason to rush, so see where it goes and allow yourself to feel each step of the way. If you feel you are started to feel overwhelmed or your feelings are interfering in the progression of the relationship, see a therapist to help you work it out.

 

Here is a link to help you find a therapist:

 

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i have a memory of a previous guy who was also a foreigner and things did nto go well with him. He was the last guy I was with. It is easy to use him as a reference point. Yes, there are similarities between the two but there are also differences. I am having relationship anxiety. I do suffer from anxeity. Also, I am hormonal right now. Not sure if that is playing a role in all of this. I do not want a previous occurence in my life to ruin this.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

If you already have anxiety and are also having flashbacks to another similar relationship, then feeling the way you do would be natural.

 

Try practicing some relaxation exercises. Also, you can work on the anxiety itself to help you feel more in control. Here are some resources that will help:

 

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Edmund J. Bourne

 

The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety: A Step-by-Step Program by William J. Knaus

 

Both of these books have numerous ideas and techniques you can use to help calm your anxieties and work towards feeling better.

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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