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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been in a relationship for around 8 months now; I love

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I have been in a relationship for around 8 months now; I love my partner very much and I hope to sell my house and move in with him. It's a long distance relationship and the cost of the return journey is around £40.

His income is very erratic and much of the time it's me paying for groceries, bills if we go out, entertainment in general; I don't have a problem with this as it looks as though this is likely to be a temporary situation, he is very actively looking for work and is not at all happy with the situation. I am not earning at the moment, but hope to be within the next few weeks.

The problem is that he has a sister who has recently walked out on her husband; neither of them had ever worked despite being perfectly capable of doing so (she used to claim carer's allowance - she was laughing to me about how much she had been able to 'screw' in benefits). He was keen to support her and offered to let her stay with him for a couple of months while she sorted out new accommodation and got a job. She agreed to help out with household chores in exchange for free board and lodging.

It has become apparent that she has no intention of moving on, helping him in any way financially or, indeed, helping out around the house. She spends her days on skype talking to a guy she's known online for a couple of years. When I stay over with him, we have no privacy and I end up subsidising HER by helping out with his food bills. Her income is none of my business - but she can still afford to smoke.

I have recently returned from a weekend down there. He had no money whatsoever, I paid for everything we did over the weekend, she was happy to put food she wanted into the shopping basket when we went to the supermarket, and eat with us - but she wasn't helping to pay for any of it. In the end I got so fed up that I told him that I find the whole situation - the lack of privacy, the fact that I feel used - so irritating that I'd be staying away from the house while she's there. Telling him that I found the situation intolerable and didn't want to be around while she's still there was not a threat - it's me protecting myself by not walking into an environment where I'll feel irritated and put upon. No way was I finishing the relationship, and I'd love to see him if he could make it to mine, but that I just couldn't stand being around her any more.

He got very angry, accused me of threatening him and said I was screwing up our relationship. It calmed down later, and today he told me he'd be sitting her down and reiterating their original agreement. I very much doubt he will, I've already made my views clear and I'm not prepared to nag or push him on this one.

However, I am just wondering ... where on earth do I go from here?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I really understand your point. You get him who has no money and he brings someone else along who has less money. This is a recipe for disaster. He may be as big of a mooch as she is. You don't need to support 2 adults. If he has his act together and she wasn't part of the deal that is one thing. But who needs all of their baggage. I would look for a boyfriend who doesn't come with a sister. He may talk to her but how long is that going to last. You have to find a relationship that is with someone who is financially and emotionally supportive. You need help too. don't be the only rock solid person in a relationship. If you are going to pursue this stand your ground. Make sure you give firm boundaries and they don't include her. The money needs to be centered on the needs of the two of you. Make that clear. You are not being unreasonable.

 

 

 

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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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