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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi, I am having trouble coming to terms with aging. I accept

Customer Question

Hi, I am having trouble coming to terms with aging. I accept that I may be a shallow bastard but this troubles me in that I wish I wasn't. I am finding that as my partner ages and lets her body go a bit I am becoming less attracted to her. I make a point of keeping myself in shape and do not expect a miss universe but I feel it's a two way thing that I put the work in and feel she should to. It's a very difficult subject to broach and I am apprehensive about talking about it with her. I wish I was one of those guts that seem to be able to transcend their physicality but I am not. I still have feelings of love for my partner but as she is 6 years older than me I keep thinking how easy it would be to leave and get a younger partner as I just don't feel ready to start getting old (I'm 50). Honestly I can see my age on my face saggy eyelids etc but my body is still as good as it was when my twenties but unfortunately my partner just sits there in the evening playing facebook games and never goes to the gym. I feel guilty for thinking along these lines but i expect I am typical of many men. it is also unfortunate hat men are allowed to age and it makes them 'crusty' but women less beautiful in my and the world's vain perception. It just always seems to me that the very nature of relationships is going against the very nature of our/my nature as a primate. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round whole. When that love drug is flowing well the square peg becomes round and fits but my mind makes it square again as I am naturally restless. I also consider that that love might be just petites released from the hypothalmus to make us want to stay and mate with our partner till the offspring are are strong enough to survive in the wilderness but where does the esoteric nature of love fit into this????
I often feel I should leave her so that she would find someone with no doubts but the otherside of the equation is it's the best relationship i have ever had, the only person I have ever loved and the sex is good! talk about a rock and a hard place. Any advice?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I don't see the rock and hard place. You have a fulfilling relationship that is based on compatibility and emotion. The problem is that you can't project your fear of aging onto her. She may be very comfortable in her skin and that is why she does not find it necessary to exercise. If you love her, then you should respect that choice. If you look for the greener grass it may not be the lush lawn that you think it is. You have a person who you love. What difference does it make if her body is slightly more fit than yours. It is superficial to expect someone to put emphasis on their body when that is not how they feel and is not a priority. Her priorities are what they are. You may try to make the gym a couple's hobby but if she doesn't want to go then she doesn't.


Focus on educating yourself about this time period and how you are viewing this period of your life. That should be your focus. Concentrate on you and your fears



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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi this really doesn't ring true. From my experience there seems to be a male and a female view on this subject. Whenever I talk to my male friends they will tend to say they understand and feel the same themselves many prefering the option of being single rather buying into the' female model' of what a relationship is which mostly what society buys into (in my opinion) If I ask a female friend they will tend to say something similar to the above perhaps without the 'face your fears bit'. I don't have any fears about getting old i just struggle with the idea that my partner will get physically less attractive and hence less desirable. To say this is just superficial is to say the fundemental values of our society are wrong (and they are) where we worship youth and no one wants to get old because old is ugly and not attractive (or is it?). How does the average man get past this because male and female are programmed so very differently?

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