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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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This is a long question. I met a girl 6 years ago. We fell

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This is a long question. I met a girl 6 years ago. We fell for each other hard. She got scared and I left to Hawaii. Two years ago we met up for one night and I had learned she never fully got over me. The problem was I was leaving for a 2 year journey and on top of that was in a relationship. So again, I was on my way. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings for her and laid it all out on the line 6 months ago. 2 months ago after getting out of a relationship she got in contact with me. She invited me over and told me it was fate that I got in contact with her. That we both needed time to mature before we could make an honest effort. We spent the night together and decided we would give things a shot. Three days later everything changed and she decided to work on things with her ex boyfriend. She said she wanted me to fight for her, but she felt too much pressure to start things casually with me. I had to leave for 6 weeks and she said she would use the time to figure things out. I came home two weeks early to see her and she wouldn't even see me. She sent me a text to say she was back with her ex. What do I do? Over the course of 6 years , we've both had relationships, always respected each others space, but never got over each other. The problem is we've never had a base to work from and our feelings put us in a place where starting fresh is too difficult. Plues I don't even know if there's a shot anymore, but I can't wait any longer.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
It sounds like she has strong feelings for you but decided to work things out with her ex. She must feel she needs to give her ex another chance. You both have had a lot of obstacles in your way to making this relationship work. It has not ever been the right time and I feel like you and her had no idea how much you cared about each other. One thing that needs to happen is communication. You both need to talk about your feelings for each other to see if you both have a future. She wants to give her ex a chance, but you should try to see if she will still stay in contact with you. Maybe suggest being friends so that you can be a part of her life. Right now she is going through a lot of emotions. She has feelings for you and feels that she needs to work things out with her ex. If you want to be a part of her life you will have to be really understanding. But you both need to talk to sort out your feelings for each other. If being back with her ex is what she wants then you need closure to move on.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Fair enough. I can understand that. And I agree, I think its the best appraoch. My problem is that I think I may have closed the door on communication. I had come back from my trip and wanted some sort of an answer and she wasn't making any effort to see me. When I got the text I went the knee jerk reaction route and told her that she wasn't who I had thought she was and I didn't want to see her anymore. I was hurt obviously. I usually don't let my emotion get the best of me, but in the situation I find myself invested for the first time and given the duration of the feelings, I guess I reached a breaking point. She's in school right now and has only 4 days a week when I can actually see her (she is away in another country for school). The rest of the time she is working. I don't want to stress her out, but I feel like if I don't do something to at least get closure, or at least talk to her I can't move on. I don't want to get walked over, and I'm willing to be the understanding friend, but I don't know how to win back that chance after telling her I couldn't see her anymore.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
Let's talk about when you came back from your trip you wanted an answer. You told her that she wasn't who you thought she was and you didn't want to see her anymore. I want you to look at this in another way. If she said that too you, how would you feel? I know you didn't mean to say that because you were running on your emotions. But it was said and you know hearing that would have scared her thinking that you really didn't want to be with her anymore. You know you didn't mean it but she didn't know that at the time. Now you have to explain why you said that too her and that you care about her so much that your emotions got the best of you. You do have to talk this out, but I want you to know that she is most likely very hurt by what you said. If she thought she was going to start a relationship with you and then you said you didn't want to see her anymore, she would have moved on thinking there was no chance for you and her.

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