How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im experiencing the end of a relationship, one that was conducted

Customer Question

I'm experiencing the end of a relationship, one that was conducted with a married man for 11 years. I believed what he told me about how he felt about me and us and he was in the process of divorcing his wife, or she was actually the one who filed but now he has stopped that action, said he wants to try with her even though he doesn't love her and he is stopping communicating with me.

I'm having trouble letting go and need advice, but I'd rather not have someone tell me, it is what it is, get over it. I need to know how to get over it.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I don't "feel" that he doesn't love her, he told me for years he doesn't and he told her he doesn't. She told me he told her he doesn't love her. She rants and raves, calls me names, calls him names, but then says she wants to stay with him and where did they go wrong?

 

There is a strong sense of Catholic guilt in play here, she is wanting to stay together for family and honoring the wedding vows. He suffers from panic attacks and he was feeling pressured to meet the deadlines from the filing of the divorce papers, etc and told me everything was just closing in on him. He told me he needed to get over this hurdle so he could get back to us, he missed us, but then he turns around the next day and talks with her and calls me and says he feels it's the right thing to do to see if their relationship or close it but without me in the picture. I asked him who is he going to make happy doing this and he said, his mother, his kids and probably her (wife).

 

He has been struggling with his guilt, his not wanting to be the bad person, his not wanting the divorce to be about our relationship and his deserving to be happy. He is the type that sacrifices/martyrs himself. Finances are a big issue with him and he would call me and say "tell me I'm going to be okay", etc.

 

We were househunting, talking about moving in together, planning the future. Then he says all of this closing in has made everything muddy.

 

I haven't hurt this much in a long time and even though I deserve someone who would never have treated me this way, it still hurts. I've been told that he is "damaged" and I've dodged a bullet as I took on a caretaking role and would have that the rest of my life. But I'm having trouble going from constant contact with him to none and am wondering how he can do this as he relied on me for a lot?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I guess what it really gets down to is that he has told me for years that I complete him, we have the total package of mental, physical and emotional connections, that he misses me terribly when we are not together. Is his shutting off our relationship part of his guilt and martyr complex? I guess I'm asking myself--is it me or is it him, so I don't take it so personally?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks. I do think you are correct in that he is conflicted as I've watched it for years. But I don't think he will reach out to get me back in his life. He knows that neither she or I will tolerate a relationship that involves us both and it will be safer for him to stay in the marriage--as he said his doing so will make his mother happy, his kids (all grown and out of the home) happy and probably his wife.

 

I know he won't be happy staying in the marriage, I know they never had and will never have what he and I had, but I don't quite understand how he can just give himself up like that. Or me! :-)

 

I'm getting a handle on my emotions but still am struggling--he is weak and did not put me first, he was always first, and I know I don't want to share my life with someone like that, but I'm still experiencing the loss of this relationship.

 

Of course I don't know how they can overcome an intensive 11 year affair, where in effect he was living two lives. How does that work?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks. I'm having some painful withdrawal symptoms--I have this strong urge to contact him which I know I shouldn't do. I'm trying to focus on my work, etc. but it is really hard. Any helpful thoughts?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello???!!! Are you there? It's been nearly 24 hours!
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency