I don't "feel" that he doesn't love her, he told me for years he doesn't and he told her he doesn't. She told me he told her he doesn't love her. She rants and raves, calls me names, calls him names, but then says she wants to stay with him and where did they go wrong?
There is a strong sense of Catholic guilt in play here, she is wanting to stay together for family and honoring the wedding vows. He suffers from panic attacks and he was feeling pressured to meet the deadlines from the filing of the divorce papers, etc and told me everything was just closing in on him. He told me he needed to get over this hurdle so he could get back to us, he missed us, but then he turns around the next day and talks with her and calls me and says he feels it's the right thing to do to see if their relationship or close it but without me in the picture. I asked him who is he going to make happy doing this and he said, his mother, his kids and probably her (wife).
He has been struggling with his guilt, his not wanting to be the bad person, his not wanting the divorce to be about our relationship and his deserving to be happy. He is the type that sacrifices/martyrs himself. Finances are a big issue with him and he would call me and say "tell me I'm going to be okay", etc.
We were househunting, talking about moving in together, planning the future. Then he says all of this closing in has made everything muddy.
I haven't hurt this much in a long time and even though I deserve someone who would never have treated me this way, it still hurts. I've been told that he is "damaged" and I've dodged a bullet as I took on a caretaking role and would have that the rest of my life. But I'm having trouble going from constant contact with him to none and am wondering how he can do this as he relied on me for a lot?
Thanks. I do think you are correct in that he is conflicted as I've watched it for years. But I don't think he will reach out to get me back in his life. He knows that neither she or I will tolerate a relationship that involves us both and it will be safer for him to stay in the marriage--as he said his doing so will make his mother happy, his kids (all grown and out of the home) happy and probably his wife.
I know he won't be happy staying in the marriage, I know they never had and will never have what he and I had, but I don't quite understand how he can just give himself up like that. Or me! :-)
I'm getting a handle on my emotions but still am struggling--he is weak and did not put me first, he was always first, and I know I don't want to share my life with someone like that, but I'm still experiencing the loss of this relationship.
Of course I don't know how they can overcome an intensive 11 year affair, where in effect he was living two lives. How does that work?