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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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2nd opinion - R/r advice. Pardon the spelling. while

Resolved Question:

R/r advice.
Pardon the spelling.

while dating i did not want to enter his room yet he dragged me as the door slammed on my leg leaving a large bruise that lasted 2 months. upon our return to the US we got married and while visiting his parents we where ruff playing during which i defended my self and while trying to move hit him slightly below the belt. he then pinned me and placed his mouth over mine and as he pressed over he screamed by the time he released my mouth hurt so bad. i thought he loved me and would protect me, i have lived in fear yet due to the military giving us orders apart from each other i have hopped that during the months apart he would grow to love me, to want me. yet it has not helped. we have been apart since june 2008 and have only seen face to face every 6 months. though i have begged the detailer to relocate me near him he has refused and my husband has as well refused to leave his command. many have said that it is becaus ehe may have another yet time after time my spoused has said no he wants me only. oh how i wish i was able to see what is really going on in his head. my heart has grown so bitter and cold it is a fight with in me that i do not wish upon my worst enemy. I continue to hold on because of the hope that maybe once one of us is no longer in the military that maybe we may grow as a couple and finally be at peace. yet after the summer of 2010 during an argument he threw the laptop to the ground and came forth grabbing me by the neck and ramming me through a steined glass window by the time he released me i hated him. i told him to let me go and never to touch me as i walked upstairs to wipe the blood the pain hit. i now have a 3 1/2 scar on the shoulder and 1 1/2 on the back of my arm near the large cut it required 22 stiches on the large and 11 on the small inside and out. i could have sent him to jail but the pain of this world is greater on the out side. i am still married to him since 2008 it will be 3 yrs in may. though our of the 3 yrs or 1095 days we have only being together 162 days. I am tired of crying, of being afraid , of verbaly abusing each other. this will be my second marriage and his first marriage. yet at this point i want to end it. yet i hold on because we throughly have not consumated a marriage. it is so frustrating he has hung up and disconnected his phone many times he has not fought to be with me yet now after the chaos he has stated that he is willing to leave the military to start a family, a family that i no longer want yet when i mentioned seperation he stated that he would not sign.
i am a virgo and he is a capricorn. he has stated that i am too negative while he is the positive the bond . his words have cut me so deep i do not know anymore. I am so greatfull that we have no children and i do not which to have any with him. yet i continue to hope that he would love me once he is out and we are able to live together but deep inside i am so torn that i may not see a sunrise.

should i officially submit for seperation? should i continue to hold on? I am a tough cookie but he has awakened a monster with in me that i do not like i was not like this, i was not a monster.

he sais that the only thinng that will hurt him is the document, that when he married me was for life.

how can i forget the pain in order to love again. what can i do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
Love is respect and I want to talk too you about what has been going on in your marriage. No small argument or fight should ever become violent. I understand that you love him, you want your marriage to work. You might not even feel safe. But you have a scar you said. No matter what the fight, no matter what the argument, it should never turn into hitting in any way. What happens in situations like this is it creates fear within yourself. It's almost like you need him in order not to feel scared, like you feel safe when he is around. But what is happening it you are afraid to make a mistake and he gets upset, so you live in fear. But it also cause a strong love because you feel you can not live without them. I want you to really think about everything you have gone through with him. He needs help and to talk about his anger. Does he have control issues? He doesn't want to separate but he can't keep hurting you. He needs to get help. He needs to change. If the document would hurt him then you need to tell him, that you are hurt and have so much pain that you can't forget to love again. His anger shouldn't be violence, he needs to understand why he does these things. There are reason why this is happening and it's not you. So don't ever feel like you did something wrong. He has a problem with anger and violence. He does not know how to communicate his anger in the correct way. There are many ways to control your anger and he needs to not let his anger escalate to that level. You don't physically hurt someone you love. You are suppose to treat them with respect and do anything to keep them from getting hurt. I am here if you have any questions.
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