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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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Started dating someone a week and a half ago--met him through

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Started dating someone a week and a half ago--met him through a mutual friend. We talked everyday. He has a daughter whom I already met. He seemed excited to see me, we had physical chemistry, things in common. He talked about me meeting his mother in May. He seemed impressed that I was different (in a good way) than other females. Just spent Sat. night over my house--didn't have sex, which was fine with both of us (been having period issues). He had told me he disregarded a "deal breaker" of his which he knew from the get-go, didn't normally like talking on the phone and had talked to me for hours (had never "burned" out his cell phone); when he left on Sunday, he didn't seem like he was running out the door---he kept kissing me...I didn't keep him from leaving. I'm a mental health counselor; he told me he dated a counselor many years ago, didn't say it was a bad experience. Got an email yesterday saying that when he dated that counselor it was uncomfortable and he was starting to feel that way again--first time I had EVER heard he was feeling uncomfortable AT ALL about anything...it came out of the blue...trying to make sense of how we went from him spending the night and not running out the door to ending things--he also said he'd been thinking "a lot" about this....
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

It sounds like the two of you spent quite a bit of time together in a short period of time. I can certainly understand where you would be confused by his sudden shift in behavior.

Why do you think things were rushed so much in one week, to the point of meeting his daughter and talking about meeting his mother in May?

Also, do you know much about his relationship history? What is the longest relationship or marriage he has had, etc? Thank you for any additional info.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I met his daughter the first time we met---my friend was in town visiting and knows him and his sister; his sister, her husband and son and him and his daughter and my friend and I all met for dinner. This is how we met. In regards XXXXX XXXXX his mother in may, we were talking about his birthday, which is in may, and he said that she comes down from Kentucky to celebrate it with him---he said that when she did this, I could meet her when they all went out to dinner. Mind you, I never asked to meet her, or said anything about his b-day celebration. He is divorced---was married 2 years after dating his ex-wife and then she left him, although I'm not really sure why....I believe they were married for 2 years; she left after their daughter was a year old; from what he said, they never argued, as they were both passive, which of course explains why he sent an email, rather than tell me over the phone. From what he has said, he has dated and lived with women, over the years, prior to getting married...and since his marrige; he lived with one woman following his ex leaving, which he realized was a mistake as he wasn't in love with her and asked her to leave. He is adopted and the mother who he was referring to in KY is his bio. mother whom he recently found about 3-4 years ago and they have an awesome relationship and she has welcomed him into the family. His adopted parents treated him horribly, so I'm glad he found his bio. mother. I realize that he has issues from his childhood, most likely, and did tell me that following his divorce he went into therapy for 18 months which was extremely beneficial....he also just put his dog to sleep the same day we had our first date....yep, I know...a lot of stuff....lol....I've also been having period issues--nothing majorly wrong, just trying to get it resolved. Guess I should tell you he went to the dr. on wed of last week, because he hasn't been "feeling like myself--been having symptoms".....although he readily told me the abuse he and his sister went through as children, he wouldn't elaborate on the symptoms that he was having that lead him to the dr., which I thought was odd---like he was feeling flu like symptoms, run down, etc....he just said it was nothing to worry about.....just strange....we went out on our first date on thurs (2 weeks this thurs), then the following mon (he had his daughter that weekend---we spoke and texted the entire weekend), and he stayed over my house mon night---nothing happened, we slept and he left in the morning---I thought or rather felt that something had changed after that, but didn't know what....just my gut instinct.....but didn't put up a fuss---if he had wanted to leave, that would have been ok too....but he didn't.....
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

okay thanks for the additional information. I see now that he didn't really rush you into meeting his daughter etc. but it just more came together that way.

Really all you can do, is take things slowly with him and get to know him better. Sounds like he got scared off, maybe by his feelings for you, and backed away. It also sounds like he is going through some of his own personal stuff, with not feeling well or not like himself and so on. Also, losing his dog is a big deal and he may be in grief.

can you tell me when he learned that you were a mental health counselor?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He knew that I was a mental health counselor from the start. It wasn't a secret. I'm not one to hide anything from anyone....there's really nothing to take slowly, as he terminated the relationship, given that he's feeling uncomfortable and decided that he didn't want to get involved with someone in my "line of work"....again, he knew from the inception what I did, and never once indicated that he ever felt uncomfortable with me or anything I did or said or that his previous experience with the girl he dated who also was a therapist was a negative experience, even when he had the chance. He has also told me, in not so many words, that he is so impressed with how I am...so I'm extremely confused ;)
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Okay, I didn't realize that he completely pulled out of the dating with you. I would also be confused, as he sent very mixed signals!! This is a huge guess, but could it be that he was interested in having sex that night, and was disgruntled because that did not happen? I only say that because it seemed that he changed his tune after that night...

I would find it hard to believe that it's because you are a counselor and he dated one before, that made him uncomfortable. Just doesn't add up....

I would of course not contact him further. Maybe he will end up contacting you after thinking about things for a few days. But I would remain cautious with him if he does contact you. It could be that he is not really looking for a relationship and was out for one thing only that night?? Or he is a commitment phobe, or got scared of his feelings or attraction for you....

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Just one more thing....he had previously told me when I told him that I had been having issues w/my menstrual cycle, that he doesn't have sex when women are having their periods. I have been bleeding since last Sat. ( a week ago this past Sat.) and just had an endometrial biopsy this past Fri. and had been recovering....in all honesty, I wasn't opposed to having sex (I wasn't in pain from the biopsy and other than minor cramping, i was ok), and he had said that he was reconsidering having sex with me and my "condition"---we talked about him going to walgreens to get condoms (both of us had them but they had expired and we were concerned about the consequences of using expired condoms); but he said that he'd rather wait and let the first time be without all of the extra things---the first time we had sex to be not under these circumstances. So, he had an opportunity, and didn't take it. Don't know if that makes a difference or not?
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.
what do you mean by "he was reconsidering having sex with me and my condition?"
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
as I said, when I first told him about my menstrual issues and we were talking about menstrual cycles in general, he had told me that he doesn't have sex when women have their periods (not that I asked him, he just volunteered that info., fyi: he tended to volunteer info. about many things quite often). So, when he was here on Saturday and we had been kissing and making out, he stated that although I was bleeding and he normally didn't have sex when women were bleeding, he was reconsidering it....that's what I mean by it....him not having sex w/women on their periods was "his rule" not mine.....I was just letting you know this since you said that he might be upset that we didn't have sex---he had an opportunity, we could've, and decided not to.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

yes okay. i understood that he did have the opportunity, just wasn't sure what he meant by his other comment. Alot of men don't have sex with women who are having their periods, but of course, that would not be a reason to break it off. As you would eventually not be menstruating. So, it's not that he wanted to have sex and you would not. This is very confusing...

 

And it sounds like he is attracted to you and so on. It could be that he was scared off by the issues you are having with your period. Some guys are like that... one thing is for certain here, in that this man does not have the maturity to properly communicate with you about what he is truly feeling in a way that is respectful. He is definitely avoidant and not handling this situation appropriately. That is really all that you can know for sure about this experience. And that actually is knowing a great deal. You know as a mental health counselor that this kind of communication would be quite frustrating in any kind of relationship with him. If you feel it would bring you closure, than you certainly could email him back and ask to meet for coffee, where you two could talk about this. If he declines, then I would certainly not contact him further, unless he initiates.

That is really all you can do. Let it go or ask him to simply talk to you about it. Please click ACCEPT so I'm credited for my help today. I wish you all the best with this. Thank you... Kristin

Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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