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AgapeDoc, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas is a relationship expert & can help families or organizations become more effective.
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I need advice on how to deal with my boyfriends adult daughter.

Customer Question

I need advice on how to deal with my boyfriends adult daughter. He is 58 and I am 43. We have been together for 10 years and maintain separate households. He has two adult daughters who are 31 and 28. I have a close relationship with his youngest daughter. He oldest daughter is very difficult to get along with. She is very rude to her father and has actually hit him on several occasions during trivial arguments. Several months ago she and I got into an argument and she became very violent, telling me that I am a 'rich bitch, whore, f'ing b, etc - she also hit me several times. The argument was over the fact that she owed her father $20,000 that he loaned her to buy a house. She was supposed to pay him back once her house sold, but she had not even put the house on the market after 8 months. He had just bought a new car and she made he comment that he has money to buy a car but gets on her to pay him back the money. I feel like she is taking full advantage of him and basically told her that. Prior to the fight, we all would get together several times a month. Now I do not want to spend any time with her. I can feel tension between my boyfriend and I due to this fight. He tells me that she is like that to everyone and I should just ignore her. I don't want to do this. She said very personal and mean things to me that I cannot just forgive and let her continue to get away with her behavior. I have not missed the relationship with her her at all since the fight; I just feel bad for my boyfriend because he really wants everyone to get along. I have thought about sucking it up and being cordial for his benefit, but I dont feel like wasting my time on a relationship that I do not want because I feel she will never change. I just don't want the awkward time with my boyfriend. I feel like he needs to work on his relationship with his daughter as she is so angry in her life and I have offered to end our relationship so that this could happen. He doesn't want me to leave the relationship and thinks he can just ignore her when she gets out of control. I need advice on whether I should reconcile the relationship with her for the sake of my relationship with him. And if so, how?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer - let's see if we can make some progress on this issue

AgapeDoc :

You are in a tough spot to say the least. You care for your boyfriend and that is wonderful. I think there are ways to reconcile, but you also deserve respect - if your not careful, you will end up being a doormat.

AgapeDoc :

I am big on forgiveness - I understand that you may not want to think about forgiving her, however and this is important........... forgiving her doesn't mean you accept what she did. If you take the initiative to forgive her, you can to it on the right terms. You tell her that you forgive her, but you were hurt and you will not accept that again - set your boundaries

Customer:

I think that is really good advice.....I'm going to try to connect to this idea of forgiveness. It seems like that may actually "set me free" of this weight on me and the relationship. Thank you

AgapeDoc :

You can also make sure your boyfriend understands your position. And I would also suggest one more thing... given you situation, I would steer clear of your boyfriends finances and with his kids. Other than speaking with him and supporting him through times like this. You run the very serious risk of ending up in a no win situation.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks again for reaching out and I'm hoping things go well. If my efforts have been helpful, please don't forget to click on the accept button - if not it's OK, just let me know how it goes. All my best :)

AgapeDoc, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas is a relationship expert & can help families or organizations become more effective.
AgapeDoc and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.
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Dr. W. D. Nicholas is a relationship expert & can help families or organizations become more effective.