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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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what do you do if you were dating a guy for a while then you

Customer Question

what do you do if you were dating a guy for a while then you found out about a few weeks later he broke up with you because he has a fiancée which you had no clue about until you text him and it was his fiancée saying stop texting my fiancée. the guy and i were really close and i am just heartbroken about it. i just feel dumb and upset about it.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 5 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi JA customer and thanks for writing

Cathy :

Let us know when it is convenient for you to be online to chat about this and one of us will be happy to help you

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

okay

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

well i am here

Cathy :

Hi nice to see you

Cathy :

how are you doing tonight?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

I am alright. how are you doing ma'm?

Cathy :

I am fine thanks for asking and I have read your post

Cathy :

and I want you to know that you are not dumb

Cathy :

no way

Cathy :

You hooked up with a not so nice guy

Cathy :

and he took advantage of you and your good heart

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

well thank you. I just felt dumb that I did not know he has a fiancée

Cathy :

you are s o not dumb

Cathy :

yea he lied to you by omission

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

that is my problem i always hook up with wrong guys i.e. the guy who got me pregnant and went to jail and i had to give my kid up for adoption because i was looking out for his best interest. that is the main reason i do not trust people easily.

Cathy :

well

Cathy :

you have to figure out why you shoot so low when it comes to guys no?

Cathy :

did he take you out to dinner first date?

Cathy :

buy you roses?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

no none of those

Cathy :

make you feel very special

Cathy :

so why did you fall in love?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

all he wanted was sex

Cathy :

you sound to me like a nice lady?

Cathy :

so you gave in?

Cathy :

I am sure you have other qualities than sex, I have only talked to you for two minutes

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

no i did not give in. i was 18 at the time and was just being a stupid teenager.

Cathy :

and already I know you are smart and thoughtful

Cathy :

okay that was him what about this new guy?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i met him on a dating a website and the guy lied to me saying he could never get a girl pregnant and on his picture he looked younger than he actually looked

Cathy :

okay get that

Cathy :

I get that

Cathy :

so why didnt he take you out to dinner?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

the new guy i dated him for a couple months then he broke it off with me because he ended up in another state and a year later i heard from him saying he had to leave atlanta because his best friend committed suicide and he just needed to be away which i understand. a year later i heard from him and he said he was back in atlanta and we hung out and i was starting to fall for him again and he told me he loved me and would never hurt me and he took me out to dinner and we just talked and watched movies, played basketball.. just did usual dating things. he was the first guy i actually ever loved. he made me feel special and i can be myself around him..

Cathy :

I want so much to buy it

Cathy :

I really do

Cathy :

but I think you deserved more

Cathy :

and he should work to be with you.

Cathy :

I think you need to demand more from your men

Cathy :

and the reason you keep getting hurt

Cathy :

is that you do not

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

what do you mean by demading more?

Cathy :

You need to make them court you, to win you over

Cathy :

they need to earn you

Cathy :

in other words

Cathy :

you give it up too easily

Cathy :

you are a smart lady

Cathy :

why do you do this?

Cathy :

you dont have to?

Cathy :

and I bet you are pretty too?

Cathy :

I bet you are.

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

that is why i just have guys called "f**k buddies" with no strings attached (excuse my language)

Cathy :

booty calls?

Cathy :

you dont need them either

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

yes ma'm

Cathy :

you need a real man

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i have time though. i am only 21

Cathy :

what did your mom tell you?

Cathy :

did your mom ever talk to you?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

the only time i talked to my mom is when she met the father of my kid. she did not like him at all because she thought he was very sketchy

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so can you and I talk about this?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i talk to my friends about this kind of things

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

as weird as it may seem, it is easier to talk to a stranger about it

Cathy :

I am sure you have good friends who give you good advice

Cathy :

but heres the thing

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

do you have a name first name

Cathy :

dont give me your full name

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

yes, Reid

Cathy :

just your first name please

Cathy :

Hi Reid

Cathy :

Look Reid, you have every right to feel special and to have a man in your life who is solid and safe for you and who loves and cherishes you

Cathy :

and you dont have to have sex with him right away

Cathy :

and yes

Cathy :

he must wine and dine you

Cathy :

yes he must win you over

Cathy :

absolutely Reid

Cathy :

You must do that

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

I just think i have this thing for bad boys, if that makes sense?

Cathy :

yea a lot of us do

Cathy :

but you have a choice?

Cathy :

and because you have a child and you are a MOM

Cathy :

I want you think this one through carefully please

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i gave my kid up for adoption though and he is in a great home

Cathy :

Oh

Cathy :

Reid

Cathy :

I am so so sorry

Cathy :

You did what you thought was right,

Cathy :

did the best thing for your baby \

Cathy :

how selfless

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i was looking out for what would be in his best interest. don't be sorry, i am happy because i still keep in contact with the adoptive parents and he is in a great and loving home and that is all that matters to me

Cathy :

I think you did a very selfless thing Reid. You have my admiration on this

Cathy :

very hard to do

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

thank you

Cathy :

You are special.

Cathy :

okay Reid

Cathy :

now on to men

Cathy :

you have to start finding better men

Cathy :

men worthy of you girl

Cathy :

not these dopes who are not worthy of you

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

right

Cathy :

are you in college or working?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

both

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

I think you want to be loved so badly that you give it all up too soon

Cathy :

do you think you can wait longer for a better guy?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

well of course i know i get attached easily and yeah i can wait.. it is hard though

Cathy :

I know

Cathy :

You dont understand that the guys you settle for are settles

Cathy :

and not at all what you deserve

Cathy :

so you get hurt

Cathy :

when they treat you badly

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i agree.

Cathy :

okay I have an idea and you let me know what you think Reid

Cathy :

I think you should date a guy for three dates before you sleep with him

Cathy :

and he should have bought you dinner at least one time

Cathy :

do you think you can do that where you live?

Cathy :

can you do this?

Cathy :

and can you cook?

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

yes i can do it and to the cooking.

Cathy :

okay three dates Reid

Cathy :

one for coffee

Cathy :

he buys you a good dinner next, no kfc

Cathy :

and then the third date you cook him dinner

Cathy :

and then after the third date

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

alright i can do that.

Cathy :

NO MATTER HOW LONELY YOU ARE

Cathy :

you can decide if you want to sleep with him or not

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i just like sex, i know there is nothing wrong with it, but i will try to do it.

Cathy :

we all like sex Reid

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

i know

Cathy :

but our mission is to get you a decent guy

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

but it is hard to not have that urge to do it

JACUSTOMER-7mh7pkqp- :

okay

Cathy :

you can hold off girl

Cathy :

three dates and one dinner from you before you even go there

Cathy :

:) let me know what you think Reid

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