No more sex until your relationship is on an exclusive basis. If he is not committed enough at this point to be exclusive he is not committed enough for you to be sexual partners. How do I know? Because of what you say above. You have to discipline yourself a lot because it feel so good to be with him in every way. It feels so good but it isn't healthy. You are not showing adequate respect for the parts of your self that desire security and to be cherished. Often we have to deprive one or more parts of our self to respect other important parts of our self. And yes you need to make some space for him to take initiative, both for his good and for yours as well. Back off a bit and slow down. It is hard, scary and lonely at times but it is more real and healthy.
Can you do it?
I don't know if I can do it, but sounds like I don't have much of a choice. Sounds like you are saying if I continue to have sex with him then it means I don't have respect for myself? Therefore he won't have respect for me...and no guy is going to end up with a girl he can't respect. Besides, I am always the one to initiate the sex or set up oppurtunities for it and that makes me feel taken for granted. I've never been in this situation before so I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'back off a little' and slow down...what does that mean I should do?? Don't call or text him ever? Always let him initiate it? Do I tell him I'm not gonna have sex with him anymore? Just let him think I'm busy now all the time? What exactly does what you're recommending look like? I'm such an all or nothing type person so I'm not sure I can just go out as friends and be around him all the time because of how strong my feelings are for him. Maybe I should just completely stay away for now??
I clicked on 'accept answer' by mistake...can you please respond to my reply to your response? Thanks!! Patty
Great feedback for me to respond to. Good job!
If you continue to have sex with him you are disrespecting some important parts of yourself. All or nothing is not the answer here. Back off and slow down looks like less frequent initiations of contact by you and stop initiating/facilitating the sex. When he asks why you changed you say something like " I just think what we were doing is more for an exclusive relationship, I guess I got carried away."
You will feel anxiety going slower, the anxiety is uncomfortable but you can learn to deal with it and it will get better over time. If you want to seek some counseling for this aspect of your self, your therapy would start with something like " I am all or nothing in romantic relationships and when I try to find middle ground I feel anxious"
If you cut off the relationship completely you rob your self of a great growth opportunities
Do you get this?
Let me know
Wow you are so right about that!! I always start relationships as girlfriend material and end up very quickly as some girl they can just take it or leave it with because I move way too fast. I always feel like I have to 'give them my resume' so to speak and sell them on me right away instead of just going slow, being myself, and letting them get to know me on their own, at their own pace. I know if I could do that the reward would be huge, as in an eventual relationship with someone I truly care for deeply and want to be with, but I haven't been able to do it so far. My all or nothing attitude just kills any interest they may have had in me as a future mate and I scare them off. With this guy I find it so difficult knowing that he is out, possibly pursuing other girls on the nights he doesn't have his kids. I get so frustrated and down on those nights that it just becomes this emotional roller coaster for me. Any suggestions about this? I'm also afraid that with less initiating from me that he will think I'm less interested and find a girl who is. ???
The key here is that a masculine man wants and needs some level of challenge. When a woman is too available there is no challenge and he feels smothered. If I could teach women the right balance I would be rich and famous! There is no one right balance, (it depends on the couple), but suffice to say, you have been too much in one end of the spectrum or the other.
If he doesn't pursue you then
A. He is not interested
B. He is not assertive (whimpy)
Ultimately you don't want him either way.
So the dance is to provide some encouragement balanced with some space for him to pursue you.
One of the most attractive attributes a woman can have is a sense of self esteem, and self respect and self confidence. This can be grown and cultivated over time.
Great progress for you to see these things today
Wow you are right!! I feel like you have given me practical advice to follow in a very straightforward way! I needed to hear all of this. I need to work on my self-esteem and confidence. Any advice on that? Thanks!!! ps. He probably will not pursue me simply because he is sooo passive, non-assertive guy, but you are right....I don't want that!
Well I'm up at 3am crying so what does that tell you? I was doing so well yesterday and today, but woke up with the realization that he hasn't called or text me since mon.late afternoon and I may actually never hear from him again. The last text exchange we had was my telling him that my best friend and his girlfriend invited us to celebrate his bday at a comedy club this sat.night with 2 other couples. When I didn't hear from him after that for like 3hrs.(except to ask who the comedian was) I sent him a text saying that they may be getting the wrong impression about where we are and that it was ok that I would go ahead and either invite someone else or tell them I was busy and he didn't need to worry about it. I added a smiley face so he would know I wasn't upset with him, just letting him off the hook because I felt like he must not want to go since he let so much time elapse with no response. Now I don't know what to do. I regret sending that text. I talked to you after that and I haven't initiated a text since. I am planning on going alone sat. night. My heart is completely broken. I know you said not to be all or nothing, but I don't know how else to proceed. I think he won't reach out to me now because he thinks I'm mad at him since I've basically been ignoring him the last 2 days now. He will be avoiding a confrontation. I don't know, Mark. I just dont know.
Yes I do have deep abandonment issues. My ex-husband and I went to counseling many years ago for his affair and ended up dealing with a lot of our family of origin issues. My Dad was a workaholic and when they divorced he moved out of state and I only saw him a handful of times til I was an adult. I was 9yrs old at time of divorce. We are very close now eventhough he lives out of state. My mom is an alcoholic and would leave my brother and I home alone, sometimes for an entire wknd after the divorce. My brother was 10 and I was about 11 when that started. She was also very abusive both physically and emotionally, mainly to me, not so much to my brother. So that's where those issues come from. My ex and I have 3 children and Amanda is his,but was 4 when we married so we are still very close. I am dealing with empty-nest very badly these days. Our two oldest live in Nashville now, they are 27 & 25. Next son, 21 moved about 4wks ago to Orlando, and my youngest is almost 16 and has plans to go to TN.for college in 2yrs., but she's very busy and is rarely home anymore. I absolutely cannot bear to be alone. It causes deep depression when I'm by myself for any length of time. My kids are very independent and I don't feel needed anymore by them. I got married at 19 and have been taking care of a family all my adult life. It has always been my purpose in life and the root of my self-esteem and confidence. I have great kids, happy, confident, succesful and feel I did a great job raising them because it's what made me happiest. Now I feel I have no family left. I became a nurse last year trying to continue fill that need of taking care of people, but still depressed about not having a family at home. I need that daily interaction and it's just no longer there.
So how did you get that from my last post and do you think I am sabotaging this because of those issues? When he quit contact with me my biggest fear was realized. You are an amazing counselor, Mark!!
Wow...my chin just hit the floor. Yes, I'm sure that's the pattern, especially in this case. So I still have work to do on this issue, that's apparent now. But is it too late for this relationship? How long, if ever, do I reach out to him? I feel like I need a 2nd chance to do it right. What can I do here?
Okay that feels right to do. It has been 2 days so I went ahead and text him and asked how he is and how his son's bday went tues. We'll see if he text backk, but if he doesn;'t then I won't text him anymore, try not to think about him, and move on.
I want to work on myself and start feeling good about myself again!! I will be looking over your responses and using them as my guide. I may get a book about dealing with abandonment in relationships for help. I also started exercising this week which I haven't done in a very long time. I'm also on wellbutrin, but I'm asking for dose increase.
I think putting my effort and energy into all these things will payoff. I'm grateful for all your guidance and help!! I feel like I have a plan now for things to get better that I didn't have before I asked the initial question. I'm gonna accept answer again, but hope I can check in with you so I can stay on track if that's ok?