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Dear Debra
Dear Debra , Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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i have been with my partner for over 2 yrs now,and it has not

Customer Question

i have been with my partner for over 2 yrs now,and it has not been the easiest of relationships.we used to work tgether and we built up a attraction for eachother after a while n realised that we both wanted more than a friendship,but the problem was he was stil with his partner of 19 yrs at the time,and the last thing i wanted was to be the other women in his life.we started to see eachother but i told him to go home and tell his partner the truth,and he did and walked out of his home of 19yrs to be with me.he has made mistakes and gone back to his partner for comfort twice since when we first got together because he cudnt cope with not seein the kids everyday.this hurt me extremely and we split up on many occasions due to the deceit to me for months because of his children hating me for taking there dad away from there mum even tho they knew there mum n dad were not happy n had problems over the years.we eventually got back together again n i tried to forgive him,but it was always there in the back of my head as to what he had done,but his ex partner wanted it more just out of spite cause she found out he was seein me for 2 weeks while he was still living in there home,which i didnt blame her for as i guess deserve it as he hurt her terribly,but he said there relationship was over years ago n didnt want to be there anymore.we was geting things back on track n trying to rebuild us n planned future holiday together which was nice.we went on holiday but was arguin before we went,n he was acting suspicious while we was away with his phone as he always did in the past,so i ended it as i always said honesty and trust is massive for me in a relationship and secrets i do not want anymore.he got into a relationship with a close friend within 2 days of us comin hm cause he didnt want to be on his own apparently and i took it really bad and missed him loads n he felt the same.he ended his relationship with this friend but turns out it was his friend who ended there relationship because she wasnt ready to be in a relationship with him and came back to me but we didnt tell anyone as we wanted to try n build us again with out all knowing but he let me down again and slept with his friend again while we was trying to re-build us and the trust since then has been ruined even more so than was before.i finished with him yet again but he promised me he wouldnt hurt me again,and he has been trying,but my trust for him i am always doubtin and finking is he gunna hurt me again?i am stil his secrets to his family which i dont want anymore.how do i learn to trust him again and believe all he tells me is the truth when all he has done is let me down.i do still luv him deeply but just dont know how to get this trust back again n us to be happy,cause we are not happy rite now. jen x
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
You need to both start over and forget the past because the past is going to ruin the future of this relationship. You have to try to trust him or you won't be able to focus on loving each other. You will always be questioning your relationship with him. Every phone call you will begin to think he is going to be with someone else. You don't want to feel that way, so you both need to build back that trust, by letting go and trusting that you both will not hurt each other ever again. That you won't leave and that he will not leave for anyone else. You have been together awhile and you are trying to make it work, but you have to let go of all that hurt, disappointment. You need to both move forward into a new healthily relationship with one another. The past is the past and that's where it should stay. Make plans for the future. You said something is missing, you can't feel totally relaxed and the reason is because your waiting for the worst to happen. You thinking about it not working out or him seeing someone else so you can't enjoy yourself. You have to let go and enjoy each others company, get that love back with trust. Relationships go through all types of stages and this is a rebuilding stage for you both to get back what you once had. You need to trust and love each other. You love him focus just one loving him. Open your heart to new possibilities together.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
is time really goin to be a healer?with the hurt and miss trust caused?how do i forget about the hurt n move forward when it keeps appearing in my head.i never thought he would ever lie to me or be deceitful and i guess thats why i am still hurting loads now cause he disappointed me so much.i have tried to walk away and tell myself that time apart would be better for us both,but i do miss him and fink bout him when not together.i dont want to be with anyone else and never wanted to be with anyone else,but i just want to stop hurting and move forward and be happy.it has got to the stage where sometimes i dont want him touching me,and i have told him this and yeh it has hurt him with me telling him how i feel,as never thought i would feel that way when we are alone together.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
You asked is time really going to be a healer, yes. Time can heal this relationship because you will be repairing and building trust back up in the relationship. The hurt is something that begins to heal as you see the person changing. You can visualize everything that has happened in the relationship and it is causing a problem in the current standing of your relationship. You can't focus on your love for him, because when you are both together all you feel is hurt and disappointing feelings. You thought he would never hurt you and be deceitful. You wonder how can someone love me if he can hurt me like this. But it doesn't mean that people can't change. This is why the past is what needs to be let go because you feel that you have tried to walk away, but you miss him. You are in love with him. That's what you need to look at and focus on. You even said you don't want to be with anyone else. You said that you some times don't want him touching you. This is because you are so hurt by his actions. You need to go back to when you first met and was in love, things were amazing. You flirted with each other, you were in the start of a new relationship together. There has been a lot of things that has happened, but you have to try to look past the hurt because you love him. This relationship if you open up and trust could be an even better, stronger relationship.

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