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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years hes 50 and Im 46,

Customer Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years> he's 50 and I'm 46, both divorced with 2 girls each. He's not able to commit to me because his 24 year old daughter moved back home from college. Her and i have no relationship at all and I refuse to live with her. She is spoiled and emotionally unstable and he won't move on until she's on her own. She graduates next month and has talked of moving out. He is also unemotional and un affectionate and "jokes" constantly, but thinks he's good to me. I recently bought my own house and have moved on for the most part without him because I resent the amount of time we've "dated" with no moving forward at all. He thinks I should be so happy and content. I love him very much but I hate the person I've become with him. how do I spend any time with him at all without the resentment and emotional outbursts that he brings out in me?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 6 years ago.

Hi,

 

What sort of a relationship do you want to have with him? You've made some big changes - got your own place and moved out. For the last 6 years he had not improved or changed in the way that would be better for the relationship.

You've also mentioned that "He is also unemotional and un affectionate and "jokes" constantly, but thinks he's good to me."

 

Why hold onto this relationship or this individual? Could this be a codependency issue or because you love him, you believe that he will change and do what is right?

We have tried numerous times to be happy and let it go but it never works.

 

Answer this questions to yourself- how do you want to live for the next 6+ years? What kind of a relationship you would like to be in and what partner would you like to have? Then, try to objectively see if these are possible in your current situation.

 

Now to address your question "how do I spend any time with him at all without the resentment and emotional outbursts that he brings out in me?"

Different things can be done depending on what you're comfortable with doing. 1/ try to separate the person from the behavior, 2/ accept that this is how he is and how he would most likely remain (same applies to the daughter) and do not personalize their behavior, 3/ you can decide that despite the difficulties you've encountered you want to stick by and suffer in silence, or 4/ you can start looking at other options (you've already made a very wise decision having moved out)

 

One thing to remember is that you're in control only of yourself not of his and not of his daughter. You've already been through a lot. Perhaps this was not meant to be. You cannot be the only one making the relationship work. I takes both partners to do it.

 

The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing by Patti Henry (Paperback )

 

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