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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi I was in a bad marriage for 20 years and finally had the

Customer Question

Hi I was in a bad marriage for 20 years and finally had the strength to leave. However, I also was adjusting to divorce AND empty nest at the same time. I was a stay-at-home mom so nothing in my life felt familiar or "right". I continued counseling and reading constantly to help through this adjustment. Unfortunately I met a wonderful man I grew to love last year through all the changes. I was emotionally unstable and hurt him by breaking up with him three separate times. The last time I hurt him very deeply. Now that I have healed and dated others, I am completely sure of my feelings and had the opportunity to give him a letter apologizing for my actions and hurting him - no excuses complete responsibility for my actions. However, I did tell him my heart was just too broken to love anyone the way I am capable and the way he deserved. I have not heard back from him and did call today, no pressure, just told him that i was thinking of him and would love to talk with him. Should I just leave the ball in his court. When we saw each other again after a four month absence, he grabbed me and hugged me and kissed me goodbye. I am not sure if I should put myself out there since he did it for me. What do you think and hope this makes sense. I am in my fifties so I do know real love at this point. :)
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I think you should leave the ball in his court since the romance ended because you weren't in a place to be committed. I am not saying to run the other way. I just want you to wait and see what his response is. He will let you know how he feels. Frequent contact will not change that. He will let you know if he is interested. You have a chance to consider this relationship and so does he. You have made strides to not just date but to apologize. Give it some time!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am sorry, been fighting the flu. I am about to go to bed but did have another question. In my line of thinking, he put himself out there on three separate occasions for me when I hurt him before. Is it possibly my turn to put myself out there and let him know I am not pressuring him BUT am willing to take my chance to get hurt? I don't want him to think I am giving up because it got hard. If I had not seen him and gotten the emotional hug and kisses that I did when I saw him, my reactions would be a little different. He hugged me so close, not sexually, just very intimately. I know he cares for me but I believe he is afraid I will just hurt him again. I hope I am expressing this in a way you can understand. I somhow want to get the message to him that I am NOT the same person I was a year ago and his heart is safe with me now.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I agree. When someone gets hurt, they put a protective seal around themselves and that can come off as other things. Even disinterest. You have to reinforce that you are not that person through words and actions. This will lessen his defensiveness and allow new actions to sink in.Allow your good intentions to sink in a little at a time. Eventually he may let it sink in.

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