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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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The guy Ive been dating for the past 5 months broke up with

Customer Question

The guy I've been dating for the past 5 months broke up with me recently. At the beginning of our relationship he came on really strongly and was pretty intense. After only a couple weeks of dating he invited me to go on vacation with him and to spend NYE together. While we had been in contact for months before, it all seemed pretty quick for me. I wasn't able to go on vacation with him, but did spend NYE together. He wanted to exchange x-mas presents etc. To me, it seemed like he was serious about me. In January, he pulled away without any explanation. After a couple of weeks, he explained that he felt it was going too fast and was trying to slow the pace down. He then admitted to me that he was cheated on and left by the only girl he loved when he was younger. This guy is not in his late 20's. He said that he didn't have the same idealized "feeling" he had with me that he did with her. Granted, it wasn't about her as an individual. However, something was telling him that it was wrong to compare. He then came back to me saying this idealized feeling was childish and he wants to take things slowly. He was fine for a couple of months, but the last month he's been acting distant. I became a little fed up with his behavior and told him that I'm not confused about what I want, I want to be with him. I also told him that while we can still take things slowly, he needs to commit to this on some level. He basically said that at this point he doesn't want to take it further, but isn't closed to the idea. He also said that when he's with me, he doesn't want to be anywhere else and thinks I'm great. He brought up the idealized feeling thing again saying that it feels more like friendship with sex and that if he continues to date me, it will get in the way of finding that, but he admitted that he is once again projecting stuff from the past on the present. I saw him a few days before this conversation and things were great. He was acting really couply and normal. I care for him a lot and want to be with him. We are great when we're together and get along really well. My question is, is he just confused or what is going on with him?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. This can kill a relationship and lead to cu fusion for the other partner. You can't have a relationship under these terms. He wants his cake and eating it too. That isn't okay. This isn't about another lady. This is about him not being able to commit to one person. I would be very careful. You may end up getting hurt. Your best bet is to have a thorough discussion about what he wants and how his decisiveness effects you. You need at least a decision that says he wants to have a relationship. Be careful for a time that he can to this at all. I don't think this has anything to do with you. It's all about him. The possibilities are that he can't commit emotionally, he can't let go of the other lady, he is playing games, or he is scared of intimacy. He only knows the answer


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