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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1568
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Im wondering if I should contact a guy who I really like,

Customer Question

I'm wondering if I should contact a guy who I really like, who initially showed signs of liking me, but we have not spoken in weeks. He's been more withdrawn, but I'm not sure if it's waning interest or that he's scared. I'm told that men do what they want to do, and that if he were thinking about me he would contact me, but I can't help think that he's retreating because he thinks that I'm the one that's not interested. I've made the last 2 contacts, should I just be quiet and wait?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

hello?

Cathy :

okay let me know when you are ready to chat and I am happy to help you with this

Customer :

I am here

Customer :

ready when you are

Cathy :

well nice to see you

Cathy :

glad you could make it

Cathy :

how are you feeling tonight?

Customer :

I'm feeling pretty down about this situation and very confused about what to do

Cathy :

I am so sorry

Cathy :

you say that you made the last two contacts and he did not respond?

Cathy :

what did you do?

Cathy :

how did you contact him?
\\

Cathy :

hello

Cathy :

can you read my responses?

Customer :

I met this guy, and things moved fast, we were sending great emails back and forth (he lives about 150 miles away), and then we saw each other, and had sex that first meeting (maybe a mistake), then of course things started to get a little more awkward. Then we saw each other again

Customer :

and that was OK, but a little awkward. Since then I tried emailing again, and contacting him on facebook chat

Cathy :

so I do not think you can read my responses which might be a technical problem here at JA

Cathy :

okay so are those the two contacts you made?

Customer :

I can read this last response

Cathy :

and he did not respond?

Cathy :

okay good

Customer :

he did respond, but not very well

Customer :

the last time I wrote to him...

Cathy :

okay what did he say?

Customer :

he chatted for a second, then said "I have to go, smell you later" This is coming from a 30 year old guy. I don't think that's something you say to a girl you're attracted to. He used to call me darling and be sweet, now I just see all of these defenses up around him.

Cathy :

yeah you are right

Cathy :

so do you know what happened here?
or do I have to tell you?

Customer :

I know that he's probably scared and thinking that I'm pushing him to be my boyfriend, but I want that old dynamic back!

Cathy :

Nope not that

Customer :

no I need to hear it because I'm so wrapped up in my own mind about it

Cathy :

He is done with you

Cathy :

ouch

Cathy :

sorry to have to type that at you

Customer :

he's not attracted to me anymore?

Cathy :

no

Cathy :

he is a loser

Cathy :

done

Customer :

I'm going to be in his hometown this upcoming weekend and was wondering if I should let him know I'll be in town (for a conference, not to see him)

Cathy :

nope

Cathy :

dont

Customer :

OK, I still have an intuitive feeling that he's reading off my signals. I was a little distant with him in person because I felt shy, and I know he picked up on that and retreated too. I did soften up and tell him that I've enjoyed spending time with him and that I just recently got out of a relationship, but realized that's no reason to close myself off. I apologized if I had seemed vague, which he responded well to.

Cathy :

You see some people are jerks. You have just slept with one of them. If he wanted to see you again

Cathy :

I disagree

Cathy :

People do exactly what they wish to do no matter what signals other send off. People are selfish that way.

Cathy :

If he wished to see you again he would have moved heaven and earth to do that.
He doesnt want to see you again

Cathy :

and as much as it hurts

Cathy :

you have to let this go

Cathy :

You are reading into him what you want to be

Cathy :

but its not there\

Cathy :

He is a jerk. He slept with you and now he is done

Customer :

I hear what you're saying, but at the same time, I really want to talk to him, and I'm not because I don't want to come on too strong

Cathy :

get over him and move on

Cathy :

Oh I know you really want to talk to him

Cathy :

I understand this

Cathy :

but he does not

Cathy :

he wants not a thing to do with this

Cathy :

so no matter what you want he does not care

Cathy :

I care

Cathy :

but no he does not care

Cathy :

I know it is not what you wish to hear

Cathy :

but it is the expert response

Cathy :

Look I do care and I am sorry if you got involved with someone like this

Cathy :

but you have to let go and move on

Cathy :

he is a loser

Cathy :

he missed out on you

Customer :

after he used the words 'smell ya later' which is how he often talks with people-he has a very goofy personality, I didn't respond. I refuse to validate that, so I think he probably thinks I'm mad (which I am). Then he posted to his facebook that he went about things the wrong way, and is his own worst enemy. I think there are thoughts and regrets in his mind

Cathy :

his loss

Cathy :

well I disagree with you but if you must -pursue him further do it

Cathy :

I wouldnt

Cathy :

I would not give this guy the time of day

Cathy :

If he wanted you

Cathy :

he would have called you and asked you out again and that is what grown ups do

Cathy :

he does not want you

Cathy :

you want him to want tyou

Cathy :

but he doesnt

Cathy :

so if you must go back in there for another round.

Cathy :

I wish you wouldnt but you have to do what you have to do, no?

Customer :

is there anything I should do to soften him up and get back to that place of attraction?

Cathy :

no he doesnt want you

Cathy :

not a thing you can do

Cathy :

he does not want you

Cathy :

not becuause of you at all

Cathy :

you are fine

Cathy :

he is a jerk

Cathy :

thats what this is

Customer :

can you please explain how you're so sure that he doesn't want anything to do with me and is not just scared?

Cathy :

people do exactly what they want to do

Cathy :

all the time

Cathy :

and because I have been doing this work for over thirty years

Cathy :

and I see this everyday

Cathy :

so I know

Cathy :

he does not want you

Cathy :

If he did

Cathy :

he would call you and ask you out

Cathy :

not avoid you

Cathy :

he is avoiding you because he does not wish to deal with you

Cathy :

thats how I know

Cathy :

if he wanted you he would not avoid you

Customer :

ok thanks

Cathy :

I know its not what you want to hear

Cathy :

but if you think you are the one at fault you are mistaken

Cathy :

he is a shallow human

Cathy :

and you need to make better choices

Cathy :

and definitely do not sleep with men on the first date

Cathy :

allow them to get to know you first

Cathy :

this is the best way to avoid jerks

Cathy :

Let them get to know you and appreciate your qualities

Cathy :

and then get intimate

Cathy :

its not your fault

Customer :

I know that the sex was a bad idea, he was an old boyfriend from high school, so we at least knew each other

Cathy :

well he has not grown up much has he?

Cathy :

still acting like a high schooler

Cathy :

there ya go

Cathy :

you can do so much better than him

Cathy :

and that is the best thing you can do

Cathy :

go out and find a real guy who likes you and appreciates you and then see?

Customer :

it's tough because I still think about him so much

Cathy :

you deserve better than this nonsense'

Cathy :

yes I know

Cathy :

but move on girl

Cathy :

stop thinking about the loser and make room for a winner

Cathy :

you can find a guy who will love you and be respectful

Cathy :

dont settle for this stuff

Cathy :

its s

Cathy :

saturday night

Cathy :

you should be out on a date

Cathy :

not here on JA

Cathy :

dont think you are alone by the way

Customer :

true- I know this is right, but these questions of whether I should contact him have been on my mind-of course all my girl friends offer advice, and many say to just throw something out there in a casual way to see how he responds, because at least then I'll know

Cathy :

all of us hook up with these types of guys from time to time

Cathy :

I think you have already thrown it out there twice

Cathy :

and he has not responded

Cathy :

so what will it take for you to get it

Cathy :

how many times do you think you have to throw it out there?

Customer :

he did respond, just in a guarded way, and talking to me like a buddy rather than a girl he has a crush on.

Cathy :

and you did not get that he does not want you for a girlfriend?

Customer :

each time in the past when I soften up, he responds by softening up, so I think that the feelings are there, he's just not good at communicating them

Cathy :

what part did you not get?

Cathy :

okay then

Cathy :

go ahead and contact him and see what happens?

Cathy :

I think you are making a mistake but you do what you want to do okay?

Cathy :

good luck to you

Cathy :

Cathy

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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
1568 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues