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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Im not sure if anyone can help me out, but I was wondering

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I'm not sure if anyone can help me out, but I was wondering how I can forget, or get over my ex-girlfriend that I broke up 10+ years ago.

I'm now in my 30s, and am happily married. My wife is great, and I can't complain about my life or my marriage. I just been having this problem for the last 10+ years.

I can't forget about my ex-girlfriend.

I'm not sure what it is. We dated for about 3 years. She was my first girlfriend, and I had a bad break up with her.

She just keeps popping up in my mind. It just feels like she's living in my subconscious. Though I love my wife, I have this urge to want to see my ex-girlfriend sometimes. It's just this feeling that I always have something in my mind that reminds me of her.

Overall, this really doesn't affect my daily life, but I'm just starting to get annoyed that I can't seem to forget about her. I was wondering if talking to her will help or not, but my conclusion for the last 10 years has been that it's probably better off that we don't see each other. I don't think she would want to see me as well, and it may hurt my wife if I see my ex-girlfriend behind her back.

I just need some guidance on what I can do. This problem has been around for 10+ years, and I think it's about time I resolve it. I thought time will help to cure, but it hasn't, so I wanted to seek advice. Please help if you can.

Thank you in advance for your time and considerations.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

There are no "cures" for romance but there is one habit that we make that promotes this life is greener on the other side mentality. People tend to romanticize ex partners and this leads to feelings of curiosity. This is when you remember those really good qualities about that person and put on the back burner things that weren't so good. this gives you a distorted view of how wonderful they were. Meeting her may bring you a reality check or increased feelings in this way. It will hurt everyone in your present life. Instead take inventory of what you have presently - even if you have to write it down - and reconsider what you really lost

 

 

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much for your response. I really appreciate it. I've been wanting to talk about this issue to someone for a long time, but never really had the courage to do so.

What you wrote is the logical answer. And its the right answer. What you've mentioned is exactly what I've been trying to do for the last 10 years or so.

My problem is that even doing so doesn't help to get her out of my mind. I just created this thing in the back of my mind, that doesn't allow me to forget her. I'm not sure if I'm not letting her go, or if I don't want to try to forget her. I'm not sure if it's something I can control - to try and forget her.

It even seems hypnotic in a way. Obsessive, persistent, and long term.

To make things worse, my ex-girlfriend started teaching in the college that I've been attending for the past 15 years or so. Sometimes, her classroom is just the next building down to the class that I'm taking.

It's not very helpful to my situation...

Do you think it's possible for me to try and get rid of these thoughts? It's extremely annoying because I know that it's not productive at all. There are no benefits for anyone involved, and simply put, it's pretty stupid.

What can you suggest for a situation like this?

Thank you again, and I appreciate your thoughts.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
The teaching situation does make it worse. However use avoidance to solidify the need to not remember. Focus on the interests and relationships that you do have to avoid this situation. You won't forget her being on campus but you can learn to think about other things as time goes on. Remember that there is no benefit to obsessing about this relationship since in life you have moved on
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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