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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Im a 40 old year woman and have had 4 serious relationships,

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I'm a 40 old year woman and have had 4 serious relationships, one divorce. I have recently dated this guy for 8 months. It's was hot and exciting at first .. We got to know each other for a month before meeting in person and being intimate. We fell in love. The first two months were cloud in the sky love. Then he revealed he smoked weed on the weekends to relax. I kinda executed it since I'll have few glasses of wine on weekends but, as we spent more time, the smoking became 24/7. He was depressed cause his business wasn't doing well. He also admitted suffering from depression. He is 40 and I am 38. I was married for 1yr and he was never married. He had a challenging family life and is a little unstable interims of his emotions.

He is calm, cool and collected. I want you to understand why we are you guys already s then flies off the handy ocer Any convos really hard to be with him, cause he always

Note invite: Due to timing.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Sometimes people have erratic mood due to stress. Also using drugs can cause this because the chemical is causing an imbalance which he probably will not be receptive to. He needs to refrain from using drugs to minimize its effect on his mood. He may also do well in some brief counseling to help process the problems that are leading him to behave differently. He has a sort of situational depression and he should address this rather than smoke pot. He is passively addressing his problems and that can lead to increase in stress. Try to encourage him to deal with them directly
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I've tried to approach the topic of his bad habit a few times. He becomes highly defensive and it turns it into an argument. He says he knows its a bad habit but still makes excuses for it and brings up what he went thru with his family and his depression. His habit has incrediably impacted our relationship, he' not very motivated and doesn't have much energy when we're together .. He's not happy with his job, so that makes him even more depressed. He works during the day, then he practices tennis with his buddies 3-4 evenings week from 8-10pm, then they grab a bite to eat afterwards till 11pm or so. He plays on a team every Saturday from 9-2pm. I've wanted to watch him play on Saturday's, but he says he'd be too
nervous to have me there. I support his tennis, its a healthy outlet., although he doesnt share it with me and i feel there just isnt room for me. His priority besides work is tennis, which consumed his evenings during the week and 1/2 of Saturday, smoking pot and he just squeezes me inbetween it all. Whenever i say something about not spending enough tonr together, he says I'm needy. Being in a relationship where you talk about 5 minutes a day, and see each other 2 -3 days a week isnt being needy, and we live only 20 minutes. He's the one who continued to want to get back together and then when cave in, it's good for a week or two and he takes some initiative to spend more time w/ me.. But then it quickly goes back to the way it was, because his habits haven't changed. It's depressing to be around. He doesn't plan things, we don't do anything fun. He gives very little to this relationship, I feel disconnected from him and it breaks my heart. We have broken up several times in past month - it's emotionally draining. The only thing that connects us anymore is the amazing sexual chemistry we share. At this point, thats not enough. I dont feel close to him and am turned off by his lifestyle choices. He's a 40 year old man that smokes pot daily and hangs out with his buddies 4 days a week. Our relationship will never be a priority in his life and see no future for us. He promises me he'll work on being less selfish and give more to us, but he doesn't. I continue to ask myself why I am still im this when I get nothing out of the relationship... I think I've been hoping and waiting for the fun, loving and romantic guy that couldnt wait to see me, would come back. As long as he continues his bad habit, there will always be disappointment and hurt , no chance at happiness. Its breaks my heart to walk away, but what else can I do. I've tried everything, being sensitive, understanding, asked to seek counseling together - nothing had changed. He doesnt want to quit and is in denial about his habit and the impacts its had on our relationship.. How do I find the strength to say goodbye?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I now realize that this isn't just about pot. He is a selfish partner who does not need a relationship. He is too busy for a girlfriend and too selfish for a relationship. A relationship is more than something he does in his spare time. He wants a convenient girlfriend. The reason you take him back is because he is in a "honeymoon" period. That's when he is really sweet until he goes back to his real ways. I hope you realize that he will return to the honeymoon period just to have a girlfriend. Don't worry about his denial. His problems are his problems. you shouldn't want to fix anything about him by now. Leave this alone. Your strength comes from the knowledge that he will never change, and you are being treated badly. Gather up your courage, and anything that belongs to him, and rid yourself of it. Break clean and quick. There is no other way
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