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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7355
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Hi I do not trust my husband of 1 year after we separated and

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Hi I do not trust my husband of 1 year after we separated and he slep with the mother of his children during that time and also he had a 1 month relationship with another person
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 3 years ago.
Help me understand the time line here. Are you saying that he slept with the mother of his children while you and he were separated, as in 'not together' for whatever reason?

How about the other person? What was the state of your relationship when he was with this other woman?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He had been separated from her for a year when I met him. We got married 6 months later. I fell in love with his two children who visit every other weekend. The ex is a very bitter negative person, who calls me names, calls at 6 am to ask silly questions "RE the kids", calls him 2 to 3 times a day to remind him of something for the kids and send him forward jokes in emails daily.
He always said he did not like her and would never go back with her. But we separated for 2 months after being married for a while, we were not legally married and we were still affectionate by phone and email (I moved to another city).
After two months, we decided to go back together, and I asked him if there was something he needed to tell me since we were starting fresh..
He denied any incidents, 2 weeks after i found explicit texts of him and his ex, having intimate relationships and lusting abou upcoming ones, also he had another relationship with a woman for 1 month (sexual also). And It hurt so much to know that he slept with them, but worst , that he lied to me.
He is also jealous but I think he is "mirroring" his begavior. Then the ex emailed and said that they slept together because i left him, and he was a "very willing participant and to piss off"....
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 3 years ago.
Sorry for the delay, something went a bit wrong on my end.

OK, so it appears that your situation involves an ex who has no intention of letting go, even though this man is married to you.

By herself, children between them or not, she can't break a marriage. She needs help or at least cooperation - and she has it with this man, your husband.

Or not your husband? I'm not sure about this since you were "separated for 2 months after being married", but then "not legally married".

For simplicity, let's call him your husband.

What you've learned through all this is that #1 The ex wife is determined to do whatever she has to do in order to come between you two; #2 your husband is allowing this and cooperating with her; #3 you have very good instincts and perhaps should not ask questions you don't really want to know the answers to.

Not knowing is comfortable, but dangerous. By not knowing what's going on you could end up blind sided, suddenly having him gone.

---- So what can you do? It's not easy when there are children involved. It's worse when the ex is bitter and vindictive and even worse when the man in all this has shaky morals and not enough ethics to behave like a man should.

He should be teaching his children how to live with honesty and character. They can't learn what he's not teaching.

If his moral character is one that sleeps around, no matter who with, just to get even or strike out, you can also add painfully immature to his flaws.

Are you sure you want to be a part of this? Aren't you worth more than that? Why is it that you don't value yourself enough to decide to say you're done and he can hit the road?

The solution to this starts and ends with you. If he's not showing deep enough regret, shame and sorrow or any true acknowledgment of his behaving badly - chances are he's not going to change. People cannot be changed by other people - it begins inside of them, or it doesn't.

I suggest that you begin counseling for yourself. Find out why your self esteem isn't enough for you to stand up and tell him, "I am a good person. I need to be respected and valued. You are not doing that and I have no intention of wasting my time."

There are plenty of opportunities for you out there. Once you decide that you are worth it (and I believe you are) you'll see that someone can love you without the childishness and nonsense that this man, this father is displaying.

Next time you leave him, don't look back.
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7355
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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