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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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My fiance has become distant since his father passed away and

Resolved Question:

My fiance has become distant since his father passed away and even more so in the last week. I was 9 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage. He has basically just stopped talking to me and seems to not want much to do with me right now. I honestly am not sure what to do...Has he already checked out of our life together?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there customer?

Cathy :

hello

Customer:

Yes

Cathy :

Hi nice to see you

Cathy :

how are you tonight?

Customer:

Been better

Cathy :

I am sure

Cathy :

so your fiances dad passed away

Cathy :

you have my condolences

Cathy :

were they very close?

Customer:

Thank you. They were very close. It was worse because my fiance and i are both in the military and so he had to go home for the funeral by himself

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

that is so sad

Cathy :

are you both home now?

Customer:

Yes. He is sleeping in the bedroom. He's been asleep since he's been home from work. I've barely seen him or talked to him this past week

Cathy :

and you say that the two of you also had a miscarriage?

Customer:

Last friday night

Cathy :

I am so sorry

Cathy :

very sorry for your loss

Cathy :

do you think he might be depressed?

Customer:

He didn't seem to affected by it. And when I asked him about it, he said he had just lost his dad and thats worse then a baby he didnt know

Customer:

I think so but he wont talk to me

Cathy :

okay well

Customer:

He calls and texts his mom and his sister all night long though

Cathy :

when our fathers die it hurts very deeply

Cathy :

of course he would

Cathy :

he misses his dad

Customer:

I'm not close to my parents so i don't know what he's going through so MY biggest hurt right now is the baby and him distancing himself.

Cathy :

so he talks to his mom and sisters as much as he can

Cathy :

I see

Cathy :

so while you are mourning your miscarriage he is mourning his dad

Cathy :

so that is what created the distance

Cathy :

I see

Customer:

yes. I dont want to lose him but i seem to be pushing him away and making things worse

Cathy :

You feel he should care more about the baby

Customer:

Well he was married before me and his ex wife got an abortion but told him she had a miscarriage. And the reaction he described to me about THAT baby and that situation makes it seem like our life together just isnt as great. He says this makes me sound insecure and that i am always comparing our relationship to his last marriage.

Cathy :

is that right?

Cathy :

When you got pregnant did you both plan this together?

Cathy :

did you try to have a baby?

Customer:

i think care more in general and act the way he used to is more like it. He used to call me during the day or send me messages and now i dont get anything. If i try to get responses out of him he gets angry and tells me he doesnt want to be on the phone

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

we just did a deployment together and once we got home it was a plan of ours

Cathy :

so you both decided you wanted to be pregnant

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

was he happy when he found out you were pregnant?

Customer:

he had called everyone we knew before the test had even completely finished

Cathy :

I see

Customer:

he even bought 3 extra boxes just to make sure

Cathy :

very good

Cathy :

You know men attach themselves to children after they are born unlike we women who attach before

Customer:

Do now

Cathy :

and his fathers death may have thrown him a curve ball

Cathy :

It sounds as if he is still in mourning for his father

Customer:

Absolutely.

Cathy :

and not able to grieve the loss of the unborn child

Cathy :

and you want that but perhaps he cannot just now do that

Cathy :

can you give him some time on this?

Customer:

I can deal with his lack of reaction to the miscarriage better now that its been a week. But he's barely talking to me or being affectionate at all

Cathy :

sometimes it takes months to mourn a parent

Cathy :

six months to a year

Cathy :

especially if they were very close

Customer:

But why is he pushing himself away from me? Im here with him every day and want to help but just seem to make everything worse

Cathy :

he probably hurts right now a

Cathy :

and whatever you are doing or saying is not helping him

Cathy :

especially if you want his attention over this miscarriage

Cathy :

he probably thinks of you as needy right now

Customer:

oh

Cathy :

I am not saying I agree with him

Customer:

i just want some of his time. I cant stand sitting next to him on the couch in total silence while he says he doesnt have anything to say but will be texting on his phone the entire time

Cathy :

but I would think if he is consumed with his fathers death and texting his mom and sisters all night and day

Cathy :

You have to give him time. His father just died.

Customer:

i feel like im losing my best friend right now

Cathy :

He does not need to pay attention to you he is hurting and he needs you to care for him

Cathy :

does that make sense?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

but it doesnt seem like he wants anything from me

Cathy :

so instead of demanding his attention

Cathy :

you have to be patient and be there for him

Cathy :

not be so needy in his eyes

Customer:

that makes sense

Cathy :

you are inadvertantly driving him away

Cathy :

its not intentional on your part at all

Cathy :

we are all like this

Cathy :

we feel someone slipping away from us and we grab on tighter

Cathy :

its human nature

Cathy :

but you have to change that

Customer:

can i fix this

Cathy :

of course you can

Customer:

so just not bombard him with "neediness" and just let him come to me?

Cathy :

absolutely

Cathy :

you are right on target now

Cathy :

absolutely

Cathy :

make this about him and not about you

Cathy :

even though you have had such a loss

Cathy :

he cant see that just yet

Cathy :

but in time he will come around

Cathy :

Is your Mom alive? sisters?

Cathy :

other female family members?

Customer:

yes but i don't talk to them

Cathy :

why is that?

Customer:

my mom flew me to australia when i was 16 and left me there with my dad

Customer:

she didn't want me anymore

Customer:

and i dont talk to my dad because 6 months after my mom did that, he left the country without a word

Cathy :

she didnt want you or she didnt think she could parent you?

Customer:

she didnt want me anymore said that at 40 she didn't want to just be a mother and because my brother was already 18 i was her problem. She said it was my dad's turn

Cathy :

were you a handful when you were a kid?

Customer:

no

Customer:

straight a student, lots of extracurricular activities

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

I understand

Customer:

quiet and never broke the rules. her and i just never got along

Cathy :

Do you think given what you have lived through that you are the kind of person who needs reassurance?

Customer:

yeah, i know that to be true

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so maybe right now you are needing reassurance and your fiance cannot give that to you

Customer:

more along the lines of if my own parents could leave why would someone as wonderful and perfect as him not want to leave at some point.

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

so you are feeling vulnerable and maybe scared too

Customer:

yes

Cathy :

okay

Customer:

it hurts so my head comes up with all this craziness about his ex and then i say it out aloud and cause a huge fight

Cathy :

so you want him to say everything is okay

Cathy :

and he cant right now

Customer:

yeah

Customer:

he said my insecurity was driving him away

Cathy :

and you make it worse when you get all insecure about the ex

Cathy :

aha

Customer:

that if i kept it up he wouldn't have a choice but to leave

Cathy :

we typed the same thing at each other at the same time

Cathy :

okay so

Cathy :

dont do that anymore

Cathy :

stop it

Customer:

which blows the whole "no matter what comes our way" to hell and shatters me all over again

Cathy :

because you are looking to him for the reassurance that you cannot give yourself because your parents failed you

Cathy :

its not his problem

Customer:

so how do i fix my own head so i dont ruin the best relationship ive ever had?

Cathy :

and he is not the most empathic guy in the bunch

Cathy :

why dont you try therapy for a few sessions?

Cathy :

work out your self esteem issues

Cathy :

get your self confidence working

Cathy :

whats stopping you?

Customer:

honestly because ive been scared of having to say all the horrible things that happened.

Customer:

hate people feeling sorry for me and feel like i should be able to just be ok but i know im not

Cathy :

okay so you think we therapists are a motley crew?

Customer:

i went to one when i was in school for my job with the navy

Cathy :

we run screaming out of the room when we hear terrible awful things?

Cathy :

and we think we are better than you?

Customer:

they made me go after i hit a girl because she said something on the same day i found out my ex husband had been cheating on me the whole time i was in boot camp and school

Cathy :

so you had a bad experience so now you wont trust us again right?

Customer:

something like that

Cathy :

okay so why you be talkin to me then?

Cathy :

I am a therapist right?

Customer:

because i want to fix this finally. I dont want to lose him

Customer:

and i know i cant do it on my own

Cathy :

oh okay

Customer:

just hate knowing that its actually me and my problems causing more problems

Cathy :

so its okay if its about him an you and not okay if its just about you?

Customer:

something like that

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so even if its about you

Cathy :

you are still perfect as you are

Cathy :

even if you self sabotaging and screwing things up

Cathy :

you are still perfect so why are you worrying so much?

Customer:

because i know im not perfect

Customer:

i KNOW its me doing this

Cathy :

I think you are fine the way you are

Cathy :

even if you are screwing up;

Cathy :

I think you are perfect as you are but you are screwing this up

Customer:

yep

Cathy :

thats the difference between you and me

Cathy :

so what do you think you will do?

Cathy :

what really really matters to you?

Customer:

if i want to fix my relationship i obviously need to fix myself. I know i cant do it on my own so i'm going to call a therapist and see what they can do

Cathy :

what do you wish for more than anything?

Cathy :

make very sure you find a therapist who is goo

Customer:

not feeling like this anymore and to just finally be happy and confident knowing that the person i love and care about isnt going to leave

Cathy :

good and who likes you

Cathy :

shop around

Cathy :

find someone who you can talk to and tell all the awful stuff

Cathy :

so you stop feeling so bad

Cathy :

Okay?

Customer:

ok

Customer:

thank you

Cathy :

take better care of you please

Customer:

i will

Cathy :

take much better care of you

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

good luck

Customer:

ok

Cathy :

night now

Customer:

thank you very much

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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