My mistakes have been less requient as time has past but I still have the rebel there in me that in Feburary of this year took over. I basically got very drunk and proceeded to by in well in our bedroom on the way to the bathroom. This seems to have instigated this reaction, I oppologies profusley with flowers and have been more than a model partner since. I have made big changes to myself to try and win her back but she has been sitting on a lot of hurt for a long time. The biggest issue is that I nearly drawned my youngest daughter when she was 10 weeks old. I had won a rugby final and been out all night the night before as usual I got in the bath with her in the evening of the next day but with the hot water and hang over I fell a sleep and she fell off my lap into the water. she almost died and was in intensive care for 5 days. She is perfect now and you couldn't tell but it still hurts(even while typing this I have tears!). But in this time we stayed strong.
She told me we had problems on Sunday evening but we agreed to try, I have found it very difficult and one directional with me feeling that the only one trying is me but the only one who could change it is her.
I really don't know what to do, we have already discussed child care for next week and I have a night away tomorrow so she will be here. I don't really want to go but she said too.
I will try to stay close I am always telling I love her anbd saw us being with each other for the rest of our lives. I feel like my world has crashed around my head and I am to late to do anything about it. I love her
sorry pressed wrong button please can you respond to the above
I think from her point of view it is now to late even though I have since Feb done what ever I could to prove the change to me. I have not drunk as much as I used too and only had a couple at weekends with her. I have needed this wake up but now what to succeed in bringing our life back on track.
Is the only thing to do, wait? See whether she changes? I will continue to be as I have been as I have even started to like myself move over this time.
I am hurting so much at the moment and can hardly think of what the future holds with out her in my life. My daughter are up stair in bed and I don't know what to say when they ask for there mom tonight.
I am so lost and the only person to blame for this is me. I feel like I want the ground to just swallow me up
She has come home this morning and I have laid it all on the table but she has no fogiveness for me and does see that we can get back to where we were. She does think she can love me the way she did and is very very cold. Saying this is dead now over etc... Very focused with no way of swaying her I don' t know what more I can do.
Hurting more than anything
She is definitely blocking me! We had a good day yesterday all together. We had dinner,watched a film and I went to bed, thing is she came up and stayed here instead of going back to her parents I didn't try to get close to her I just left her alone and ignored the fact she had.
She says she needs space but I have had to stand my ground and that I will not be leaving the house. She wanted to move our smallest child into the room with our second one but this is not the time to be distrupting them. She said that she want this week and that we will discuss again on Sunday.
What to do in the time between now and then is very difficult all I want to do is tell her all the time I want this to work and that I love her more than anything but she seems to be blocking this at every turn. I am in a bit of limbo at the moment, she says the only reason she is like this is because of the past and my behaviour. I have had to explain to her that there is nothing I can do about the past but I can make the future the best for both of us and that is what I intend to do. I am 110% commited to making us work etc....
I just hope I am doing the right thing by standing my ground about moving out for 3days at the end of the week, I have been explaining this is her decision so it is up to her if she wants to stay away but saying that I am here and I am still 110% for US being together.
It is true what you say I do love her more today than I did years ago. And as usual you don't know what you have got until it is gone(nearly hopefully!)
Can love really come back?
Trying to get her to discuss things at the moment is hard, she isn't opening up and keeps saying leave her alone until this week is over?
I have done loads of romanic/endugent things for her to try and show her but I think with the hurt it is about the drinking and that can only come with time, as I said I have a stopped during the week and only have beer at weekends with her. Do you think stopping all together would prove it more to her?
I will continue to try and win her back maybe a bunch of flower before the end of the week I love her so much
I have spoken and told her my feelings and how I love her more now than I have ever done. I have said I will give up drinking completely and will do anything she want to help with this situation. All she is saying is she needs space to think about whether she wants to give it another go and whether she can gain the love for me back.
She then said that she is going out for a friends birthday which is the first I heard of it and that she is staying here rather than at her parents. I just don;t know what to do. That makes me a little angry as this is what I have thought she seems to think the grass is greener on the other side. It isn't that I don't let her go out or anything like that it is just the ability to do so a the drop of a hat. She is 25 and I am 30 we have been together 5 1/2 years, brought 2 house together and had our two wonderful kids. Now I think she thinks she has missed out.
I look out of the window in the mornings now and think this could all be over in a matter of a week. I have said that the house will have to be sold due to the fact the area we live was entirely for her as it is on her parents door step. I have nothing over here to keep me other than them.
She seemed to think I would take the mortgage on on my own and stay as I am more than financially capable of doing, but I don't think she understands. I need the support of family and friends and they aren't just round the corner for me.
I look at other families and they would give everything to be in our position. I really wish she would look at the big picture and give me a chance. I said if I make a mistake again I promise to leave as I will have gone against my word.
I don;t know what more I can do other than wait and hope she makes the right decision.
It is tearing me apart and I can't do anything about it
Thanks for being so supportitive. I hope that it is not too late! My insides are like a washing machine. Should I even try and be romantic or should I leave her as she is very insistant that I leave her. I hope her love can find the surface again.
I really hope this can work out and 6 months from now I can look back at this and say it made us stronger than ever. If she can only try with me we would be great again.
Should I continue my own activities too? I play rugby at a good level and have to train once a week and play on Saturdays, we have 2 games left til end of season but if it is going to jepodise anything, I won't go.
I am trying to be strong and not bend over backwards for her as she does want a weak bloke but I can't help believe that if I am too forthright she won't see what a great guy I am.
How can I look strong but be understanding and make her respect me again?
At the moment I don't know what she would have done.she used to get upset with me jealous etc... But hat seems a distant memory.
I need to strengthen up again but feel until I know either way, whether it is with her in my life or not!! I don't think I can build myself up again.
I will continue to do what I normally do but there are such a lot of things we need to resolve once the decision is made either way because I do see it can't go back to the way it was it has to be better than that we us paying more attention to each other and trying to put more excitment into things for both of us. But as you know that can only happen if both of us are at the same point.
What happens next?? Do I leave her alone as she says she wants or do I continue to drop I love you's in. She is not even letting me kiss her at the moment so I don't know . It can only stay one way traffic for a little while? I need to be told things to make me feel good about myself again too
OK will try that one with a bit of own words. I may need to talk again later in the week you have been a fantastic resource and Thank you.
I think that is the problem and why she is conflicted because I have change quite dramatically over the past few months, it would have been easier if I had stayed the arse that I was but that I am no longer, she finds it difficult.
I still don't understand why she is so caught up in herself? she seems to have lost any sort of thoughts for the kids, just saying they will adapt.
I will be here if you need me during the week. What happened to her is she is so upset by the hurt and disappointment she decided to out of anger think of herself. It is not how she really feels, it's another block.
I have been waiting and being patient but she seems very reluctant to give off anything. She doesn't want to talk about it and when I do she just says I still feel the same way.
I say well this can't continue the way it is so we have to make plans to split everything up, She then says it is not that easy (Places to stay etc...) and so I say even if we do stay together things have got to change any way and that we need to improve our relationship with each other and build on the foundations.
I said this will not be a 1week 1month fix we will need to revisit it in 6 to 12 months and if she still feels the same way then we will be more than ready to make the split. She says she doesn't want to go through this all again and she doesn't know if she can try, I stated we haven't even started on the hard part yet of splitting so if there is a glimmer we could work we should both grasp at it and try now, otherwise we could be here in 6months time saying we want to get back together and have no home and very fragile children.
I tell her I love her and all I get back is I know you do. She seems to have worked everything out so I ask what she see happening but that is when she clams up, I ask if she has thought about me and the chance that we stay together she says yes but nothing more.
This is so frustrating and I feel I need to know if we are going to try or not as I am not sleeping at all well and am knotted up in my stomach all the time.
She has said to day she is moving to her mom's and how should we deal with the kids?
" Basically James .. where we r now is cos of the past and I'm hurt and no longer feeling the same way you do. And I cant see a future right now and I think it's best if we move on ."
"Ill have them thurs/fri and sat u have then sun/mon /tues and weds. Back to me weds night."
She wants to see how it goes with both being apart and the kids.
I don't know what to do now other than protect myself by starting the splitting/breaking up of all our finances etc....
I don't know what to do now
I have told her all of that and for the sake of our family but she has made her decision, I don't know what more I can do.
I really don't know her at all, the person I knew is no longer there she is not a loving caring person any more to any one.
She seems to want her youth back but that is impossible with our children and I don't quite think she will realise that until she has stay a few days away.
I just don't know
I said this in an email just before I left to pick our girls up from my parents
"You know I don't think that this is for the best at all. I don't want you to leave our home and split our family. If you think about this truly you must want to try again for the sake of everything and you and me!!!
I know we could make this work if only we were both able to work at it. It won't be easy but surely our family is worth it???"
She has replied and I still don't understand
"I feel that this isn't possible and need to leave right now. I don't want to split the family up but the way I feel now this isn't possible and hurts more doesn't it.
Im hurting bad and need space."
what to do next?
The is nothing I can say or do she is adement that this is it over.
I have said we will need to go through everything and get hte house on the market as soon as we can. She asked again if there is no chance I would stay here but I don't think that is an option as it seem to me like she is having her cake and eating it.
She says she doesn't see anyway back for our relationship to the way it was before this and when I continued to f**k up. I have no more to say I am fresh out of anything to say to these comments now I have told her everything and still blocked at every turn.
i asked her to look at me and tell me her feelins she has said she has love for me but not in the way I want(don't understand that) so I asked if she fancied me any more she said she felt nothing.
She says she feels nothing and doesn't care anymore.
The arrangements for our girls are aweful and I am at breaking point, I really don't know what to do now other than let it go. Problem is I have to see her everyday at work and home. That isn't the way I have dealt with this before I usually just cut it off at the root and move on.
I am angry and upset as she said she has been trying but it would have been only her trying at that point because I was unware of any problems. I just feel she thinks it would be easier to get someone new than to try and make what we have work. I know the hurt is raw and will never heal fully but I would have tried anything for our girls and she doesn't seem that sort of character.
As she left she said please try and eat something, what she now cares? I am so hurt and ofcourse it now works out it is my day without the girls tomorrow.
So do I go along with this and just keep my distance for the next few days?
The more I talk the more she puts the barriers up and rejects what I am saying.
It seems so strange to break up with little to no attempt of resolve the problem.
I know the incident in Feb was the straw that broke the camels back but can this be repaired?
Her mother spoke to me today and says she doesn't understand it either.
She did say it maybe a backlash from the incident with my daughter but that is in the past and nothing I can do.
I do think she just thinks I will be here waiting for her to change her mind but that isn't the way it is going to be at all. I am now going to concentrate on the kids and myself and let her alone. We will soon find out what happens but even if she does decide to come back now there will need to be changes on both sides of the relationship.
I ahve just spoken to her and she has asked why I am being strange now. I said it is due to the fact there is no more I can do other than continue with the way I said I was going to be, I have no more to say.
She said arh that is why you are being strange as you had so much to say before.
What can I do? Seems to me like she wants the upper hand at every turn.
Do you think it best to just continue and keep distance until she has worked this out for herself?
All I want is her and my children back with me at home. but as she says this isn't going to be an option at the moment.
I have just printed off a Gym pass so I have something to do int he evenings with out them and I also said yes to Rugby on Sat.
I went down the pub at lunch with the lads but had a coke, which shocked everyone including the Bar person who has know me for over 10 years.
This is the person I want to be but I am feeling if she wants to come back she is going to have to have changed as well.
Got home tonight and she started to have a go at me for being funny I explained I had no more to say again and there was nothing I could do about the past but she said to me that I made her do this due to the problems of the past.
She kept on saying it that the only reason we were having to go through this is because of me, I don't understand so I just said that this was the reason I had nothing more to say and she knows exactly where I stand.
She then took the girls off to their grandparents.
I went to the gym but came home for a shower but when I got out she had turned up here again to apparently get some stuff.
I don't know what she is doing at the moment but I am going to continue to become the person I want and do the things I should have been doing before.
I feel like I am being played at the moment. Spoke this morning to see how the girls were she said she had been thinking about to night adn the fact that she won't be back from work to 18:15 - 30 so the girls should probably stay with me at home. I had thought the same anyway so didn't think anything of it.
I sent a text to say so what are you doing tonight and I love you.
Reply comes back say "Haven't decided, I have been asked to go over to ****. If u did want to go out the girls can sleep at mum and dads. This hasn't nothing to do with me trying to re live my youth! Before u mis interrupt it! And I still care about u to"
I have decided to do what is best for the girls and look after them but I do feel that she now needs to be making a decision and not playing me.
I don't know what to do really, cus all it seems to me like is she is playing with me until she comes back or not?
What do I do should I just ignore it and get on with me and girls. How long do I wait?
Also have just had a email from her asking me if it is OK she looks for a contract mobile cus her's needs replacing.
I don't understand why ask me?
What is going on in her head?
We have spoken again to night and my understanding of the situation is very different from her, she back tracked and said she had never said this was it and it was over just that we needed time apart. Once she had said this she then said but I still need this time apart and she doesn't know whether she will ever be able to feel like she did before.
One statement has stuck though she said she doesn't know whether she will be able to see me as anything more than a friend connected because of our children, what is this all about?? I am very confused and don't understand her at all. I have said that there would be no way that I could accept that and it isn't just about her coming back it is about me wanting her to come back by convincing me she is 110% committed to me and our relationship.
She moved back in on Saturday and has said that she is 110% commited to making this work.
She has been a little funny with me pointing out some areas that I need to work on i.e. do some weights. I like big muscles etc... Is this usual?
I have told her that this is now the beginning for us building our bonds/relationship again. Things have been good and we have been closer than before all this blew up. Obviously not the sex but the closeness seating together talking etc...
I am not going to push the other side but wait for her to iniate that side.
We are talking about the future and it feel better than it did before. she seems to have had something lifted off her back. now I just need to feel she fancies me again and I believe the relationship will go from strength to strength.
I think I have just got to be patient but also I have to look after myself and not feel like I am giving everything and she is giving nothing.
I had two drinks at the weekend both with her and hopefully this is showing her my committment to her and our relationship.
She has still not opened up to me about it all, do you think she ever will or should we just move on as she is back?
I think you might have got the wrong end of last update it is her that is asking me to start doing weights and saying when she see blokes that are bigger she likes it. Is this something that is usual, for someone coming back to a relationship to start to talk about things they would like to improve in the other person?
I have said that she need to respect me again but she has said that is going to take a long time when it comes to drinking.
She is a different person since coming back but that might just be because I have changed a great deal.
She seems really happy with the changes in me and so am I. I can't believe it had to come to this before we actually talkeda nd did something about it.
I still need to see her become physically attracted to me but I think that might take time as her mind was made up about not wanting me. Will this come back?
AND A BIG THANK YOU TO YOU. I THINK YOU HAVE HELPED ME IN WAYS I HAVEN'T REALISE BY BEING SOMEONE TOTALLY AWAY FROM THE SITUATION YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LISTEN AND GIVE ME EXTREMELY USEFUL ADVICE. SO JUST THANK YOU
What she is doing is being more expressive in what she likes in a guy. But I think it has to do with you getting a gym pass. She might be trying to figure out why when you were both separated why you wanted to go to the gym. She is telling you maybe she likes these new changes she see in you. You getting a gym pass was something that caught her eye I bet. This is why new attractions come back to establish relationships. She watch you not give up and go out and play rugby and get a gym pass, these were things that really caught her eye. She feels you need to earn respect from her since you have made some mistakes in the past. You mentioned she changed, but you have really changed and this is why she is back, because you made the steps to be the best you that you can be. Everything takes time, it was you and heres time to rebuild this relationship. You both have grown together and build a very strong bond together. You asked about her wanting you again. This will take some time because she is working with her emotions, she is confident in you changes, but she still will be a little nervous. So she is going to wait. But I don't think she is not attracted too you or wants you. I think it's just like starting over and waiting to be with that person on a much higher level. She needs to get to know the new person you have become first. Thank you so much for our end comments. I enjoy seeing the changes that you have made and getting back the person you love and care about. You never give up in life and you keep trying until you succeed in getting what you want. You once said too me about looking out the window and imagining this all gone and all I could see was this working out because you both love each other. Now you both are on the right track and your love will keep continuing to get stronger as you learn about the new people you have become. Everything will be rebuilt from this point. It is very normal to come back into a relationship and suggest changes in others. She is telling you she likes muscles. I'm sure you have certain things that you like as well. I like that she is being open and honest about what she likes, it is a great step in building an honest relationship. It's best to know these things because this is how relationships work by communication.
Sorry to open this up again but I am feeling a little lost at the moment. She has been back 2 -3 weeks now and things seem ok but I feel I am living with a stranger. She is very distant and doesn't seem that bothered about me. There is no excitement of enjoyment coming from this and it seems very forced. What can I do?
I really am still very confused but all she seems to say "patience and I am trying" but these are just words and there is no attempt to be more loving towards me other than a forced side.
Everything is very tense. I am offering to take her out do things together but she always makes an excuse or doesn't want too. What is going on with her? When I try and ask she seems very distant and nothing comes back. I am so confused.
I don't know whether you can help me understand what is going on cus all I think is she is plotting her way out or considering her ptions rather than concentrating on us and our family.
Have you seen this sort of thing be a reoccuring issue in a relationship?
I have said that I can't go through this again as it has hurt me so very much.
Is this something that will take weeks/months? I feel there is still a lot missing between us because of the lack of intimacy but she seems to say that she is trying to get the spark back that I have for her.
I really don't understand and feel that she thinks there is better out there. I am very confused?
I suppose I am impatient but I want to feel relaxed again and at the moment it is niggling at the back of my head that she may turn round and go again.