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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My relationship has fallen apart due to many mistake made by

Customer Question

My relationship has fallen apart due to many mistake made by my self in the past due to drink. My partner this week has turn round and siad she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore due to these incidents, and tonight it has commuliated in her leaving to live at her parents. We have a 2 and 4 year old

I just don't know what to do.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
The past is not always the easiest thing to get over and even when someone has changed their way. You still some times remember who they once were and they are not given a new chance. You admit their has been a problem due to past drinking. You know where your wrongs were which is a great step in solving the problem. It's hard to let go of hurt and part mistakes. Hurt, disappointment is not easy to get over and what has happened is she has left to live with her parents. She is at the point where she felt this was enough for her and she didn't want to get her heart broken any more by mistakes. She has said that she doesn't feel the same way anymore due to these incidents. This is hurt, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore. It just means her feelings are put on hold. Her feelings are block and she is trying to heal from all that has happened. When things happen you just feel disappointed that someone you love could ever hurt you. You want to be considered first and trust the one you love to always be there and think about you. But people makes mistakes and forgiveness is important in a relationship. The first thing you want to do is admit your wrong in what you did, say your deeply sorry. That you can't even imagine you life without her. She might say you should of that of that before you made this mistake. But it is your time to win her back, romantic gestures and apologizing. You both have two children. You have a bond together that will not be easily broken. She needs to work out her emotions and one thing I don't want you to do is give her, space. You want to be right their trying to make all the wrong right.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

My mistakes have been less requient as time has past but I still have the rebel there in me that in Feburary of this year took over. I basically got very drunk and proceeded to by in well in our bedroom on the way to the bathroom. This seems to have instigated this reaction, I oppologies profusley with flowers and have been more than a model partner since. I have made big changes to myself to try and win her back but she has been sitting on a lot of hurt for a long time. The biggest issue is that I nearly drawned my youngest daughter when she was 10 weeks old. I had won a rugby final and been out all night the night before as usual I got in the bath with her in the evening of the next day but with the hot water and hang over I fell a sleep and she fell off my lap into the water. she almost died and was in intensive care for 5 days. She is perfect now and you couldn't tell but it still hurts(even while typing this I have tears!). But in this time we stayed strong.

 

She told me we had problems on Sunday evening but we agreed to try, I have found it very difficult and one directional with me feeling that the only one trying is me but the only one who could change it is her.

 

I really don't know what to do, we have already discussed child care for next week and I have a night away tomorrow so she will be here. I don't really want to go but she said too.

 

I will try to stay close I am always telling I love her anbd saw us being with each other for the rest of our lives. I feel like my world has crashed around my head and I am to late to do anything about it. I love her

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

sorry pressed wrong button please can you respond to the above

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You both have been through a lot of ups and downs together. You have seen your relationship struggle, and you have seen her forgive you for more than one mistake. You had just recently made a mistake in February, which is not that long ago, so this is recent hurt she is feeling. She is at a point where she feels you will never change and she needs this time at her parents to sort her thoughts and feeling out. She will be making a life changing decision. But I know you want her back and you want her to make the decision for both of you to get back together. You have made it through very difficult times together. She has forgiven you more than once for past mistakes. But right now she has hit her what I call breaking point. Where things just become too much and you feel that the person will not chance and you know have to think of yourself and what is best for you. I want you to look at the cycle, the pattern of you making a mistake, hurting her and her forgiving you. What if you thought before you made a mistake about how it is not only going to effect her and your children, but how it is going to effect your life. You love her, you picture being with her your whole life. Then it's time to change and think of her. Tell her this is it, you want one more chance. You are going to chance because you love her and your children. That you are going to do what is right and you will prove it too her. You have to show her you changed, so that she can trust that you are going to for now on do the right thing. You love her make these changes to show her how much you care.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I think from her point of view it is now to late even though I have since Feb done what ever I could to prove the change to me. I have not drunk as much as I used too and only had a couple at weekends with her. I have needed this wake up but now what to succeed in bringing our life back on track.

 

Is the only thing to do, wait? See whether she changes? I will continue to be as I have been as I have even started to like myself move over this time.

 

I am hurting so much at the moment and can hardly think of what the future holds with out her in my life. My daughter are up stair in bed and I don't know what to say when they ask for there mom tonight.

 

I am so lost and the only person to blame for this is me. I feel like I want the ground to just swallow me up

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You have been proving yourself to her since Feb. You do not drink as much as you use to. You feel you needed a wake up, but now it is time to get both of your relationship on track. It's about repairing hurt feelings, mending a broken heart. Waiting is not the only thing you can do, keep showing her you have changed. You understand she is scared that if she takes you back that things will change for only a little while and then you will be right back to how things were. She can't just say I forgive you, you changed. She has to see these changes, she has to trust that things will be different this time. You are changing not only for her, but for yourself. You are liking yourself more. You said you don't know what to tell your daughters when they ask for their mom. Just tell them that she had some things she had to do like shopping or she had to visit a friend. You don't have to go into detail about where she is. You said you are lost. I know what you are going through is very difficult, but there is a future here that you need to see. You feel bad now, but you are taking the steps and making the changes to get your relationship back. I know you feel like the ground swallowed you up. But you have been through a lot with her and she will start to see you changing. Her feelings are not gone for you, they are just hiding behind hurt. If she would talk about how she feels you will see things even more clearer. If she could talk about things, it would make her feel so much better, specially since she will now see you understand how important it is for you to change.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She has come home this morning and I have laid it all on the table but she has no fogiveness for me and does see that we can get back to where we were. She does think she can love me the way she did and is very very cold. Saying this is dead now over etc... Very focused with no way of swaying her I don' t know what more I can do.

 

Hurting more than anything

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
She says she doesn't love you that way. I think that her emotions, love are blocked by hurt. She needs to forgive and heal from everything that has happened. She has stayed with you, because she does love you. She loves you so much that she stayed hoping that you would change. Hoping that one day she would wake up and things would be different. She has so much hurt and she had so much hope that you would change, but each time she has been disappointed. She finally hit a point where she felt she had to leave to make you realize what you would lose if she was gone. I think that the love you have for her and your family is very deep, but you have to show it to her. You have to tell her how much she means too you. If she tells you that she doesn't feel that way about you anymore. Tell her that your feelings have gotten stronger for her, that you love her more today then you ever have loved her in your life. You really need to show her all the love that you have inside for her and your family. You have to be expressive. Don't hide your feelings, be there for her and work through the hurt together.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She is definitely blocking me! We had a good day yesterday all together. We had dinner,watched a film and I went to bed, thing is she came up and stayed here instead of going back to her parents I didn't try to get close to her I just left her alone and ignored the fact she had.

 

She says she needs space but I have had to stand my ground and that I will not be leaving the house. She wanted to move our smallest child into the room with our second one but this is not the time to be distrupting them. She said that she want this week and that we will discuss again on Sunday.

 

What to do in the time between now and then is very difficult all I want to do is tell her all the time I want this to work and that I love her more than anything but she seems to be blocking this at every turn. I am in a bit of limbo at the moment, she says the only reason she is like this is because of the past and my behaviour. I have had to explain to her that there is nothing I can do about the past but I can make the future the best for both of us and that is what I intend to do. I am 110% commited to making us work etc....

 

I just hope I am doing the right thing by standing my ground about moving out for 3days at the end of the week, I have been explaining this is her decision so it is up to her if she wants to stay away but saying that I am here and I am still 110% for US being together.

 

It is true what you say I do love her more today than I did years ago. And as usual you don't know what you have got until it is gone(nearly hopefully!)

 

Can love really come back?

 

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Can love really come back you asked? Yes, it can come back even stronger. She could fall back in love with you just by doing one thing. I want you to really try winning her back. You want to show her that you are 110% committed. She thinks it easier said then done. You need to show her that you realize what you have and you never want to lose it. You were all together yesterday doing nice things, dinner, movie. This is her thinking about getting back together. She hasn't shut you out just yet and she has not ruled out the possibility of you both getting back together. Doing normal things like dinner, watching a movie is trying to put things back to normal. You don't want to sit there and act like nothing is going on, you want to show her your love. You want her to take down those walls of hurt and prove to her that you love her. By showing her. A good start would be a candle lit dinner, a special time for the both of you. Even if you don't cook, you can get take out. Even if it was just dessert. Cheese and crackers, just a romantic time for you both to talk to work things out. I don't want you to give up on this relationship, she just needs to get over this hurt she is feeing. This relationship could change and you both could be so much more in love with each other, but you both have to put things aside and start by understanding each other and what is going to make this work.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Trying to get her to discuss things at the moment is hard, she isn't opening up and keeps saying leave her alone until this week is over?

 

I have done loads of romanic/endugent things for her to try and show her but I think with the hurt it is about the drinking and that can only come with time, as I said I have a stopped during the week and only have beer at weekends with her. Do you think stopping all together would prove it more to her?

 

I will continue to try and win her back maybe a bunch of flower before the end of the week I love her so much

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Ok, so you have until the end of the week to win her back. She keeps telling you to leave her alone, so you both have to do more things together like dinner. Maybe try this how about not talking about any of the problems you have and talking about memories you both shared, funny times, anything to remind her of the good times in the relationship. How about you create your first date with her? You need to show her that things can go back to how they use to be. You have done romantic things, but you need to bring back how she once felt about you and get rid of that hurt. Memories are a great reminder to bring back her feelings towards you. Right now they are blocked. You need to open them up again. I would stop drinking all together because that is the problem. Stopping all together would help prove that you are changing. I would keep doing romantic gestures through the week. Everything makes her see that you are changing and how much she does love you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have spoken and told her my feelings and how I love her more now than I have ever done. I have said I will give up drinking completely and will do anything she want to help with this situation. All she is saying is she needs space to think about whether she wants to give it another go and whether she can gain the love for me back.

 

She then said that she is going out for a friends birthday which is the first I heard of it and that she is staying here rather than at her parents. I just don;t know what to do. That makes me a little angry as this is what I have thought she seems to think the grass is greener on the other side. It isn't that I don't let her go out or anything like that it is just the ability to do so a the drop of a hat. She is 25 and I am 30 we have been together 5 1/2 years, brought 2 house together and had our two wonderful kids. Now I think she thinks she has missed out.

 

I look out of the window in the mornings now and think this could all be over in a matter of a week. I have said that the house will have to be sold due to the fact the area we live was entirely for her as it is on her parents door step. I have nothing over here to keep me other than them.

 

She seemed to think I would take the mortgage on on my own and stay as I am more than financially capable of doing, but I don't think she understands. I need the support of family and friends and they aren't just round the corner for me.

 

I look at other families and they would give everything to be in our position. I really wish she would look at the big picture and give me a chance. I said if I make a mistake again I promise to leave as I will have gone against my word.

 

I don;t know what more I can do other than wait and hope she makes the right decision.

 

It is tearing me apart and I can't do anything about it

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
I want you to be very supportive of her going out to her friends birthday. Things like this always make you realize things in life. Your surrounded by friends, but then she will start thinking of you and miss you. Don't think that she thinks the grass is greener on the other side because you quickly realize it's not. She will realize what she has just like you did. You have learned from your mistakes. She just needs that time to go out with friends. his is a good thing, this will make her realize what she has at home. It's fun to go out to a birthday party, but you always want that person at home to that you share your life with. I think it's perfect timing. You have way too much history together for her to leave, she is just hurt. Don't think that your relationship will be over in a week and you will have to sell your house. Think positive. That is a lot for her to walk away from, someone that loves her, a house, and you and her together as a family. What happens in these situations is no matter how hard you try to keep up those walls of hurt. They quickly crumble because you miss the person you spent 5 1/2 years with. Love ends up taking over.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for being so supportitive. I hope that it is not too late! My insides are like a washing machine. Should I even try and be romantic or should I leave her as she is very insistant that I leave her. I hope her love can find the surface again.

 

I really hope this can work out and 6 months from now I can look back at this and say it made us stronger than ever. If she can only try with me we would be great again.

 

Should I continue my own activities too? I play rugby at a good level and have to train once a week and play on Saturdays, we have 2 games left til end of season but if it is going to jepodise anything, I won't go.

 

I am trying to be strong and not bend over backwards for her as she does want a weak bloke but I can't help believe that if I am too forthright she won't see what a great guy I am.

 

How can I look strong but be understanding and make her respect me again?

 

 

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You also have to have your own interests. You have 2 games left until the end of the season. You should continue what you like to do, that is what makes you who you are. Your insides are like a washing machine because you are unsure about what is going to happen with the love of your life. But I want you to stay positive. You need to look at the long term future, not what is in front of you today. You need to be confident that she will miss you if she leaves. You said she doesn't like a weak person, but you want her to see what a great guy you are. I'm guessing that she loves that you are strong. So you need to be that strong guy that she is attracted to. What if she thought she was losing you, would that be challenge for her to try and win you back?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

At the moment I don't know what she would have done.she used to get upset with me jealous etc... But hat seems a distant memory.

 

I need to strengthen up again but feel until I know either way, whether it is with her in my life or not!! I don't think I can build myself up again.

 

I will continue to do what I normally do but there are such a lot of things we need to resolve once the decision is made either way because I do see it can't go back to the way it was it has to be better than that we us paying more attention to each other and trying to put more excitment into things for both of us. But as you know that can only happen if both of us are at the same point.

 

What happens next?? Do I leave her alone as she says she wants or do I continue to drop I love you's in. She is not even letting me kiss her at the moment so I don't know . It can only stay one way traffic for a little while? I need to be told things to make me feel good about myself again too

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
I have an idea. I want you to continue to be romantic. She will not let you kiss her. I want you on a piece of paper, put xoxo. small piece of paper large XOXO. Then write I hope that one day I can show you how much I love you, because it would mean so much more than the letters on this paper. It's a very positive gesture, with a little missing you in there. You could leave it on her pillow when she comes home. I don't think leaving her alone is the answer, that is not what she wants. She wants you to convince her you have changed.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

OK will try that one with a bit of own words. I may need to talk again later in the week you have been a fantastic resource and Thank you.

 

I think that is the problem and why she is conflicted because I have change quite dramatically over the past few months, it would have been easier if I had stayed the arse that I was but that I am no longer, she finds it difficult.

 

I still don't understand why she is so caught up in herself? she seems to have lost any sort of thoughts for the kids, just saying they will adapt.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

I will be here if you need me during the week. What happened to her is she is so upset by the hurt and disappointment she decided to out of anger think of herself. It is not how she really feels, it's another block.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have been waiting and being patient but she seems very reluctant to give off anything. She doesn't want to talk about it and when I do she just says I still feel the same way.

 

I say well this can't continue the way it is so we have to make plans to split everything up, She then says it is not that easy (Places to stay etc...) and so I say even if we do stay together things have got to change any way and that we need to improve our relationship with each other and build on the foundations.

 

I said this will not be a 1week 1month fix we will need to revisit it in 6 to 12 months and if she still feels the same way then we will be more than ready to make the split. She says she doesn't want to go through this all again and she doesn't know if she can try, I stated we haven't even started on the hard part yet of splitting so if there is a glimmer we could work we should both grasp at it and try now, otherwise we could be here in 6months time saying we want to get back together and have no home and very fragile children.

 

I tell her I love her and all I get back is I know you do. She seems to have worked everything out so I ask what she see happening but that is when she clams up, I ask if she has thought about me and the chance that we stay together she says yes but nothing more.

 

This is so frustrating and I feel I need to know if we are going to try or not as I am not sleeping at all well and am knotted up in my stomach all the time.

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You said everything perfecting and I am going to tell you right now, you already have her back. You said the exactly right. Now what I want you to do is not talk about splitting up at all. not for one second you need to both have no doubts and know that this relationship is going to work. I want you to be like, we are doing this and this is going to work because we love each other and that is what will get us through this, things are going to be different now. We are going to make it. She needs to be reassured that she will not get hurt again if she tries. That is what is holding her back because she can't go through no more hurt, so make sure you are listening this time, because this I can tell you is your last shot. The next time I feel she will leave. Do you understand like she has been hurt by mistakes you made and the heart begins to get weaker in a sense that it can't be broken no more because it is already weak to begin with. All she wants to see is yo change, and you have because you now know what you have to lose. Tell her straight out, we are going to make this work and there is no maybes, or no's. You need to rebuild. No more talking about splitting up you don't even want that in her head. You want her to be constantly thinking he is going to make this work and he is not giving up on us.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She has said to day she is moving to her mom's and how should we deal with the kids?

 

" Basically James .. where we r now is cos of the past and I'm hurt and no longer feeling the same way you do. And I cant see a future right now and I think it's best if we move on ."

 

"Ill have them thurs/fri and sat u have then sun/mon /tues and weds. Back to me weds night."

 

She wants to see how it goes with both being apart and the kids.

 

I don't know what to do now other than protect myself by starting the splitting/breaking up of all our finances etc....

 

I don't know what to do now

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You can't let her leave, tell her you know that her feelings will come back if she gives it one more try. That if you can both bury everything in the past and start over, that you will never break her heart again. You need to tell her this is not what is best for the children that they need both parents in their life. That you know that this will work out to give it a chance. You don't want her to think you are ok with splitting up. If you start preparing for the split she will think this is what you want. You want her to be confident that you will work this out no matter what.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have told her all of that and for the sake of our family but she has made her decision, I don't know what more I can do.

 

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
If she does leave and go to her mom's it still doesn't mean things won't work out. She will miss her life with you, in her home and want to come back. She is not going to want to live with her mom. She has a life with you. Maybe you should try saying this. If you want to move in with your mom, I understand, I only want to make you happy and if this is what is going to make you happy then I am putting you first. See what she says to that, it just seems like she just can't risk her heart being broken again. She probably thinks you will keep the house and when she is ready she knows you will take her back. she probably thinks she has time to take a break to think things over. But you could put a house on the market and it sell in one day. She really has to think if she is 100 percent sure she wants this because some times you don't realize what you have until it's gone and you can't get it back. Talk about that with her.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I really don't know her at all, the person I knew is no longer there she is not a loving caring person any more to any one.

 

She seems to want her youth back but that is impossible with our children and I don't quite think she will realise that until she has stay a few days away.

 

I just don't know

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I said this in an email just before I left to pick our girls up from my parents

 

"You know I don't think that this is for the best at all. I don't want you to leave our home and split our family. If you think about this truly you must want to try again for the sake of everything and you and me!!!

 

I know we could make this work if only we were both able to work at it. It won't be easy but surely our family is worth it???"

 

She has replied and I still don't understand

 

"I feel that this isn't possible and need to leave right now. I don't want to split the family up but the way I feel now this isn't possible and hurts more doesn't it.

 

Im hurting bad and need space."

 

what to do next?

 

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
She Is really hurting inside and can't get over the hurt of the mistakes. She feels that how could you keep hurting her if you love her. Now she feels by leaving you will know what it is like to hurt as bad as she is. She can't get past the last mistake and she feels it will not work because you will hurt her again and this next time she could never get over it. Her hurt is deep right now and she is torn between splitting up her family, but right now she can not live in the house and deal with the hurt acting like nothing is wrong. She feels it will not solve the problem. She think if she spends time away to heal, to make you realize that you made these mistakes and that is why you lost her. But I still do not rule out hope in this situation because I think she will heal and needs time. She loves you that is obvious, but the feelings are blocking that right now. She put up many walls that you are not able to get through. What you said in the text was right, but now in order to get her back you might have to agree with her. People don't realize every decision they make has a risk. If she leaves their might not be anything to go back to. You need to say too her, can you see your life without me? If she says no, then tell her not to lose you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

The is nothing I can say or do she is adement that this is it over.

 

I have said we will need to go through everything and get hte house on the market as soon as we can. She asked again if there is no chance I would stay here but I don't think that is an option as it seem to me like she is having her cake and eating it.

 

She says she doesn't see anyway back for our relationship to the way it was before this and when I continued to f**k up. I have no more to say I am fresh out of anything to say to these comments now I have told her everything and still blocked at every turn.

 

i asked her to look at me and tell me her feelins she has said she has love for me but not in the way I want(don't understand that) so I asked if she fancied me any more she said she felt nothing.

 

She says she feels nothing and doesn't care anymore.

 

The arrangements for our girls are aweful and I am at breaking point, I really don't know what to do now other than let it go. Problem is I have to see her everyday at work and home. That isn't the way I have dealt with this before I usually just cut it off at the root and move on.

 

I am angry and upset as she said she has been trying but it would have been only her trying at that point because I was unware of any problems. I just feel she thinks it would be easier to get someone new than to try and make what we have work. I know the hurt is raw and will never heal fully but I would have tried anything for our girls and she doesn't seem that sort of character.

 

As she left she said please try and eat something, what she now cares? I am so hurt and ofcourse it now works out it is my day without the girls tomorrow.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You need to stay focused because I don't want you to feel defeated. When she said try and eat something, that is caring and is shown out of love. She said she has love for you, but not in the way you want. She sounds like the love she had for you is damaged. So her emotions have now crumbled and need to be rebuild. So much hurt has caused a problem and what is happening is she is listening to her mind and not her heart. She doesn't want you to leave the house because she is still questioning wether things will work out or not. I do not believe that she doesn't care anymore that is just her being upset. Like you said the hurt is raw. She needs some time to heal and see things clearer, right now she isn't seeing anything clear.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

So do I go along with this and just keep my distance for the next few days?

 

The more I talk the more she puts the barriers up and rejects what I am saying.

 

It seems so strange to break up with little to no attempt of resolve the problem.

 

I know the incident in Feb was the straw that broke the camels back but can this be repaired?

 

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
I think this relationship can be repaired but she is not willing at this time to listen to anything you are saying because she is trying to be strong. But I'm sure she is just as broken up inside as you. She just can't forgive you right now. I would keep your distance since you can't seem to break through these walls she put up. She needs to start worrying that your going to give up. If you just take a break and stop trying to stick things out maybe she will get worried that you don't want to try anymore. She needs to think, so give her that time to think things over. She needs to see what her life would really be like without you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Her mother spoke to me today and says she doesn't understand it either.

 

She did say it maybe a backlash from the incident with my daughter but that is in the past and nothing I can do.

 

I do think she just thinks I will be here waiting for her to change her mind but that isn't the way it is going to be at all. I am now going to concentrate on the kids and myself and let her alone. We will soon find out what happens but even if she does decide to come back now there will need to be changes on both sides of the relationship.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I ahve just spoken to her and she has asked why I am being strange now. I said it is due to the fact there is no more I can do other than continue with the way I said I was going to be, I have no more to say.

 

She said arh that is why you are being strange as you had so much to say before.

 

What can I do? Seems to me like she wants the upper hand at every turn.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
I thought if you began to give her space she would begin to wonder why? She does want you to keep trying to win her over, to not give up because she is getting your attention this way. Now she will begin to get worried that you are going to leave. She figures that you have thought things through and their is no fixing this, she will see that you are going to become stronger now. There is issues in the past that she might have not dealt with and they are resurfacesing because you made a mistake. She got nervous and decided to leave and back away. Almost like she is reliving every mistake made. If her mom doesn't understand what is going on, then this is something that she is dealing with inside. It her working out some feelings that she has about what is going on in her life. She might just be dealing with everything that happened right now. She might have pushed all her feelings aside when things happened and now she has decided it is time to deal with these problems.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Do you think it best to just continue and keep distance until she has worked this out for herself?

 

All I want is her and my children back with me at home. but as she says this isn't going to be an option at the moment.

 

I have just printed off a Gym pass so I have something to do int he evenings with out them and I also said yes to Rugby on Sat.

 

I went down the pub at lunch with the lads but had a coke, which shocked everyone including the Bar person who has know me for over 10 years.

 

This is the person I want to be but I am feeling if she wants to come back she is going to have to have changed as well.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
This is the step in changing and she will see the changes in you. You have got a gym pass, to keep yourself busy and doing things will make you feel better. The gym is a great way to take your mind off of things. You also said yes to Rugby and I do agree that you needed to play Rugby to have your own interests and activities. You mentioned you went to the bar and had a coke. That is a great step in proving to yourself that you can sit with the lads, have a good time and be drinking a coke. This is wonderful changes you are making and you will begin to feel better and she will see the changes. You said this is the person you want to be and if she is going to come back she needs to change as well. I agree because you are not going to be the same person anymore, You will be a new man that she will have to accept. I would continue to keep your distance because it's working. If she thinks your doing all these things bettering yourself, she will get nervous that you have moved on and she is disappearing from our life almost like she isn't included in your future plans, then you might see her begin to change so that both of you can have a second chance in this relationship.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Got home tonight and she started to have a go at me for being funny I explained I had no more to say again and there was nothing I could do about the past but she said to me that I made her do this due to the problems of the past.

 

She kept on saying it that the only reason we were having to go through this is because of me, I don't understand so I just said that this was the reason I had nothing more to say and she knows exactly where I stand.

 

She then took the girls off to their grandparents.

I went to the gym but came home for a shower but when I got out she had turned up here again to apparently get some stuff.

 

I don't know what she is doing at the moment but I am going to continue to become the person I want and do the things I should have been doing before.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
She is getting nervous and wondering why you are not trying to win her back. She is now worried about what you are doing since she is starting to see the changes in you. She is now trying to blame you for all the problems in the relationship to try to get you to react and talk about how you feel about everything. But you just said you had nothing more to say. I think she is worried that you are doing things and you look like you accepted the split up, so she is getting upset, so I think she will be wanting to finally talk, which she wasn't doing because she is now nervous of losing you. Keep becoming the person you want to be, you are doing the right thing in changing and finding the person you want to be.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I feel like I am being played at the moment. Spoke this morning to see how the girls were she said she had been thinking about to night adn the fact that she won't be back from work to 18:15 - 30 so the girls should probably stay with me at home. I had thought the same anyway so didn't think anything of it.

 

I sent a text to say so what are you doing tonight and I love you.

 

Reply comes back say "Haven't decided, I have been asked to go over to ****. If u did want to go out the girls can sleep at mum and dads. This hasn't nothing to do with me trying to re live my youth! Before u mis interrupt it! And I still care about u to"

 

I have decided to do what is best for the girls and look after them but I do feel that she now needs to be making a decision and not playing me.

 

I don't know what to do really, cus all it seems to me like is she is playing with me until she comes back or not?

 

What do I do should I just ignore it and get on with me and girls. How long do I wait?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Also have just had a email from her asking me if it is OK she looks for a contract mobile cus her's needs replacing.

 

I don't understand why ask me?

 

What is going on in her head?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

We have spoken again to night and my understanding of the situation is very different from her, she back tracked and said she had never said this was it and it was over just that we needed time apart. Once she had said this she then said but I still need this time apart and she doesn't know whether she will ever be able to feel like she did before.

 

One statement has stuck though she said she doesn't know whether she will be able to see me as anything more than a friend connected because of our children, what is this all about?? I am very confused and don't understand her at all. I have said that there would be no way that I could accept that and it isn't just about her coming back it is about me wanting her to come back by convincing me she is 110% committed to me and our relationship.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
She is basically saying that if she did come back it would be more like two friends living together. Which this is not what this is at all. This is someone that loves you very much but is working through many emotions. She is hurt and she is saying things to most likely hurt you, so she knows what she has felt like all this time. She is so hurt and wants you to feel what she has gone through. She has felt many times that you didn't love her enough because if you did she feels you would have never hurt her. You would have thought of her before you made any mistakes. But I can tell you right now that she does not want to lose you because she loves you and that is why she is saying that she needs just time apart, which means I want to have this time but don't want you out of my life at all. I want to come back when I am ready.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She moved back in on Saturday and has said that she is 110% commited to making this work.

 

She has been a little funny with me pointing out some areas that I need to work on i.e. do some weights. I like big muscles etc... Is this usual?

 

I have told her that this is now the beginning for us building our bonds/relationship again. Things have been good and we have been closer than before all this blew up. Obviously not the sex but the closeness seating together talking etc...

 

I am not going to push the other side but wait for her to iniate that side.

 

We are talking about the future and it feel better than it did before. she seems to have had something lifted off her back. now I just need to feel she fancies me again and I believe the relationship will go from strength to strength.

 

I think I have just got to be patient but also I have to look after myself and not feel like I am giving everything and she is giving nothing.

 

I had two drinks at the weekend both with her and hopefully this is showing her my committment to her and our relationship.

 

She has still not opened up to me about it all, do you think she ever will or should we just move on as she is back?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
You like to lift weights and have big muscles there is nothing wrong with that because that is you feel better about yourself. That is how you are comfortable in looking. Some times through tough times love becomes stronger because no matter what you were both there for each other. You never let go of each other and it has created a very strong bond of trusting. You want to give her time to open up. Right now you are both in the beginning stages of a relationship. Even though you have been together so long, it is like you just found each other, your in love, and you are learning about each other in a new way. This is the best start that you can have, you are right on track for one of the most successful relationships, because you got back not only what you once had, you create more love for each other. She is taking her time enjoying each moment with you talking, it's like your first love together. You right now are giving her what she needs, that interment bond of talking, without any pressure. You are enjoying each other. This is a great start and if you take things step by step, day by day. You will see everything fall right into place. I am very happy for you. She see you changing and she is falling in love with you all over again, but it's even stronger.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I think you might have got the wrong end of last update it is her that is asking me to start doing weights and saying when she see blokes that are bigger she likes it. Is this something that is usual, for someone coming back to a relationship to start to talk about things they would like to improve in the other person?

 

I have said that she need to respect me again but she has said that is going to take a long time when it comes to drinking.

 

She is a different person since coming back but that might just be because I have changed a great deal.

 

She seems really happy with the changes in me and so am I. I can't believe it had to come to this before we actually talkeda nd did something about it.

 

I still need to see her become physically attracted to me but I think that might take time as her mind was made up about not wanting me. Will this come back?

 

AND A BIG THANK YOU TO YOU. I THINK YOU HAVE HELPED ME IN WAYS I HAVEN'T REALISE BY BEING SOMEONE TOTALLY AWAY FROM THE SITUATION YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LISTEN AND GIVE ME EXTREMELY USEFUL ADVICE. SO JUST THANK YOU

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

What she is doing is being more expressive in what she likes in a guy. But I think it has to do with you getting a gym pass. She might be trying to figure out why when you were both separated why you wanted to go to the gym. She is telling you maybe she likes these new changes she see in you. You getting a gym pass was something that caught her eye I bet. This is why new attractions come back to establish relationships. She watch you not give up and go out and play rugby and get a gym pass, these were things that really caught her eye. She feels you need to earn respect from her since you have made some mistakes in the past. You mentioned she changed, but you have really changed and this is why she is back, because you made the steps to be the best you that you can be. Everything takes time, it was you and heres time to rebuild this relationship. You both have grown together and build a very strong bond together. You asked about her wanting you again. This will take some time because she is working with her emotions, she is confident in you changes, but she still will be a little nervous. So she is going to wait. But I don't think she is not attracted too you or wants you. I think it's just like starting over and waiting to be with that person on a much higher level. She needs to get to know the new person you have become first. Thank you so much for our end comments. I enjoy seeing the changes that you have made and getting back the person you love and care about. You never give up in life and you keep trying until you succeed in getting what you want. You once said too me about looking out the window and imagining this all gone and all I could see was this working out because you both love each other. Now you both are on the right track and your love will keep continuing to get stronger as you learn about the new people you have become. Everything will be rebuilt from this point. It is very normal to come back into a relationship and suggest changes in others. She is telling you she likes muscles. I'm sure you have certain things that you like as well. I like that she is being open and honest about what she likes, it is a great step in building an honest relationship. It's best to know these things because this is how relationships work by communication.

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Sorry to open this up again but I am feeling a little lost at the moment. She has been back 2 -3 weeks now and things seem ok but I feel I am living with a stranger. She is very distant and doesn't seem that bothered about me. There is no excitement of enjoyment coming from this and it seems very forced. What can I do?

 

I really am still very confused but all she seems to say "patience and I am trying" but these are just words and there is no attempt to be more loving towards me other than a forced side.

 

Everything is very tense. I am offering to take her out do things together but she always makes an excuse or doesn't want too. What is going on with her? When I try and ask she seems very distant and nothing comes back. I am so confused.

 

I don't know whether you can help me understand what is going on cus all I think is she is plotting her way out or considering her ptions rather than concentrating on us and our family.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I have tried to reopen this but it just made me pay again and I have not had a response can you help hope you see this as am very confused and she is back for one last try from what she has lost the spark towards me and even with my changes she seems to to have Walls up and it all sits with her to change these feelings now.I am just lost at the moment I don't feel I am getting any thing back from her emotionally or physically.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Have you seen this sort of thing be a reoccuring issue in a relationship?

I have said that I can't go through this again as it has hurt me so very much.

 

Is this something that will take weeks/months? I feel there is still a lot missing between us because of the lack of intimacy but she seems to say that she is trying to get the spark back that I have for her.

 

I really don't understand and feel that she thinks there is better out there. I am very confused?

 

I suppose I am impatient but I want to feel relaxed again and at the moment it is niggling at the back of my head that she may turn round and go again.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
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