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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My wife has recently been saying other mens names in her dreams

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My wife has recently been saying other mens names in her dreams while acting as she does when we have sex including touching herself. I asked her about one mans name she was saying and she said it was a co-workers name. She said she couldn't stand him even going so far as to say he was disgusting. She insists she doesn't remember having any of these dreams A couple days later she began saying her ex-sexual partners names I haven't brought it up because it is uncomfortable to me and i feel like if i do I am going to put these men back in the fore-front of her mind. I began to think this was coming out because it was a fantasy of hers so i started talking about me and another man being with her @ the same time and since I did she has not had a vocal dream saying anyones name since but she also says the idea of 2 men does nothing to turn her on but she goes with it because she believes it turns me on. I am extremely confused
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

You said you have asked you wife about one name she has said in her dreams and it was a co-worker that she finds disgusting and she can't stand him. She could be dreaming of this man because this is someone that bothers her and we tend to dream of things that are in our everyday lives. He is a co-worker so this is someone she sees that she find annoying, so it is also present in her unconscious mind when she goes to sleep. Dreams have many meaning and figuring out dreams are not just your wife saying names in her sleep. The names she could be calling out are names of people that bother her that she has unresolved issues with. You had said her ex-partners names. There might be things going on in her life that she feels are unresolved. It doesn't mean she is attracted or likes any of these men. You had mentioned a fantasy to her and you feel that you have not vocally heard man's names in her dreams. But it just could be that she is resolving the issue and dealing with what is bothering her. Calling at names in dreams can have many meanings. You need to talk too her about maybe things that might be on her mind and why she has begun calling mans names out in her dreams. Ask her if she remembers these dreams and why she thinks she is having them. You don't want to be wondering what is going on and why this is happening, you both need to communicate and see if their is a solution.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I am trying to understand why my wife would be having sex dreams and masturbating in her sleep calling out other peoples names. It's clearly a physical and vocal act. Her and I talk and the only thing she ever says is I love you I dont want to be with anyone else. Yet since I brought up the topic of having sex with herwhile another guy joined in she has completely stopped the vocalizing and the masturbation. I understand the part about she may be reconciling issues which may be causing these dreams she insisits she doesn't remember but they stopped IMMEDIATELY after I brought up having a threesome with another guy. She said it did nothing as far as turning her on but since I brought it up her other behavior stopped, so when we have sex i keep bringing it up so I dont have to listen to her call out other mens names why i'm laying in bed with her and shes masturbating. I have no where to go with a conversation when all she says is i love you and only want to be with you

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

She had said that the idea of a threesome does nothing to turn her on. So this is stopping her behavior you feel. She has told you that she does not want to be with anyone else and she loves you. What she is saying is true because dreams have other meanings. It has nothing to do with how she feels about you and how much she loves you. She going to have these dreams until she finds out why she is dreaming about other men. Even if you keep talking about a threesome and you feel that is stopping your wife from having these dreams. There are still things that she needs to discuss with you. This could her having a strong sex drive, women hit their sexual peak at a different time then men. Dreams are in your unconscious, she can not help dreaming these dreams unless she discovers why she think she is dreaming these dreams.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
She tells me she doesn't remember having them so how does she figure out why shes having dreams she knows nothing about & can't remember havingand gets defensive about when I bring the question up. I guess your saying she's not being upfront with me about something thats going on in her life when shes not with me. My last question before I accept your answer is could it be as simple as she is sexually unsatisfied with me and her desire to fulfill her sexual needs is coming through while she is sleeping? Is it possible that I am not concisouly satisfying her so she is getting her sexual needs fulfilled sub-conciously by thinking about guys she has been with that have satisfied her more than I? I apologize for asking so many questions but I dont want to hurt her by continuing to bring this up but I dont want to have to sleep on the couch either to pretend its not happening either when I know it is.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
TY
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 6 years ago.
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