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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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My husband and I have agreed to separate but he wont leave

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My husband and I have agreed to separate but he won't leave the family home because he does not want to have the kids see him as leaving them.
He'd rather we all leave the family home, sell up and move to new premisis.
I'm OK with moving out of the home myself, but worried that this is too much change in one step for teh children, boys aged 9 and 11.
I am wondering what are the ways I can get him to consider
a
that separation is not one parent walking out but a mutual new arrangement in which both parents are present with the kids
b
that the kids might be shocked by leaving their homes and losing access to both parents if is is done in a rush and together.

Odd thing is, I only want a separation, but he considers it necessary to get a divorce, if we separate, because he does not see any benefit to separation. I want to keep the family home going and make the split temporary until we are sure of the outcome.
But he is saying he wants to stay together and does not want to separate, but if we do, then its only possible to separate in the context of getting a divorce. So I find myself facing a rushed divorce instead of a careful separation. I'm not sure about the impact of that approach on all of us, especially the boys.

If you have any experience of this, or any pearls of wisdom, Please share. Thankyou.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
Hi,
I took the opportunity to read some of your recent posts so I could learn more about your situation. The thing that really stood out was how you said he doesn't provide for the family financially or practically. What does he bring to the marriage and parenting relationships? What does he contribute to the family? Anything?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He does some school runs, a bit of DIY, keeps the IT going, puts out bins, cooks a lot, cleans sometimes, shares holiday childcare. Encourages homework.

He's self employed and his business has lost money for the last 4 years, but instead of getting a second job he ran up debts. He's put between 5-10% contribution to the family running costs in recent years. I dont know if he has funds outside of the family accounts, he says not,But i've seen letters about premium bonds.

 

Oh, one last thing, he is truely devoted to the kids emotionally. A fall on his sword kind of guy. Hero in a crisis, but not (apparently) a steady provider, emotionally or financially. It's tragic really, as underneath all our issues, he is a completely decent loving and devoted man. It's just a mess.

 

To be honest Im not comfortble posting any more specifics on here. I hope that's eough to give you the picture.

Any thoughts?

 

 

 

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
I suppose his views of marital separation are based in his views of marriage. For him marriage is a situation where you stay together and work it out, (what ever it is). For him trial separation is the opposite of his concept of marriage. Also his self esteem has taken a beating over the last four years and he doesn't believe that separation could be an experiment towards a better relationship he sees it solely as, you letting him go in a little gentler way. He is saying, if we failed we failed let's admit it. "If you are leaving me then leave me." With the whole dissolve the household issue, I think he is mostly trying to raise the ante to help you see all of the true costs of you guys not finding a way to make the marriage work.

Have you tried everything else already? Have you availed yourself of every resource that could help?
You might check out "Project Happily Ever After" (you can google it). This lady was planning her husband's funeral (she wanted him to die). She was confronted by a friend and took the friends challenge, she found a way out of her misery, and as a professional writer shares her story and methods. Another good resource is Mort Fertel's program, (google it).

Separation is probably not the answer. I suggest you get on with a 100% effort including additional resources. or go ahead and end it.
Best of success to you and your family.
Sincerely,
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
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Mark Manley
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Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.