Thank you for clarifying. There are different approaches for you to consider depending on what she wants to do in return. If you're the only one doing all of the work on the marriage, no matter what techniques you resort to, it would still need her 50% to meet you half way and to make things work.
1/ If she feels that she needs independence and to take care of her needs, that is all good as long as in the process of attempting to do this she does not disregard you/the family. Having some autonomy in any relationship is healthy but as long as it is not done for the expense of others.
2/ being married and seeking fulfillment do not have to interfere with one another. Is she perceiving you as controlling, or is she feeling guilty when she is seeking to rediscover herself? Because, it if it the latter, she could be projecting her guilt onto you. She ought to be willing to objectively look at her behavior and how it may be affecting you.
3/ You may ask her what is she wanting from you, what is she willing to give you in return and in what time frame should this take place. She could explore her issues in individual counseling and she can also consider marital counseling if she feels that there is something you need to hear in the presence of an objective person i.e counselor.
As far as how you cope with her behavior- this will depend on what you want to achieve. Are you trying to reach a peaceful state of mind despite what she's doing, are you having difficulties understanding what she's talking about and why is this happening now (empty nest, she's lost her job, she has developed a low self esteem, she's experiencing hormonal changes and they are affecting her mood/behavior, etc)
You'd have to be prepared to know that you yourself cannot change her or what she wants or is trying to do. You can only change your expectations of her and your perception of the outcome. If you think she's suffering for whatever reason, then you try to see it from her point of view and help her as best as you could, even if it means just being present and listening in a non judgmental way.
Being in love is a state of mind that she herself evokes within herself. The feeling of being in love is largely dependent on neurochemistry and hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, etc. Love is love. She does not have to have butterflies in her stomach as a teenager to know that she loves you. Love has many stages from being in love and all intoxicated with feelings to becoming mature and secure in your love life. She may be confusing the initial stage of falling in love that does trigger all of those neurochemicals with the fact that as time goes by, love progresses to another level.
Check this support on line option click here