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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I really need some advice...I am in love with and involved

Customer Question

I really need some advice...I am in love with and involved with a married woman...she initiated the relationship...are first date was supposed to be harmless then one thing led to another and we slept together...we both have very strong feelings for each other and as time goes on we become very close friends and share everything with each other and her 3 kids adore me and I them...she says that she is no longer in love with her marriage but still has feeling for her husband in spite of all his wrong doings...she also tells me that i am amazing and super sweet and do a lot of things so much better then him..like being there for her and her kids and giving her emotional support and being a great listener...so i asked if thats the case why am I on the outside looking in she said cause its very hard to start over after 10 years and even though she believes every word i say and promise i make it will take time because not only does she have a hard time trusting men but she keeps focusing on the fact that i am 25 and she 37...recently i had a death in my family that had a big impact on me and due to that and all my other stress i had to go to the er for high blood pressure...i takes meds for it and have a family history of it...she thought it was her fault and was gonna leave me thinking it was to much on me and she also feels guilty in spite of her husbands actions for cheating on him...we talked it out and she decided to stay...however since then she doesnt call me her young love anymore or other terms of affection like she did in the beginning when i ask her why she simply says she is tired or just not in the mood...i dont get that but ok..she calls and txt me everyday except on weekends cause thats when the husband is off and when i dont hear from her i worry and over analyze everything :( and because of our work schedules and her kids and trying to get away from the husband we are spending less and less time together over the last couple weeks...i dont know if this means im losing her or what..and just to be clear not only am i very much in love with her i want to spend the rest of my life with her and grow old with her and in doing so i will have to sacrifice my chance to have children of my own and possibly make my family mad...but i dont care aside from the poems i send her its like the 2 songs we listen to together go everything i do i do it for you by bXXXXX XXXXX and amazed by lonestar...she is my world my everything..what i need to find out is am i losing her and if not what can i do to show her that i want to be with her and will always be here and how do i cope or get through the waiting process without driving myself crazy all the time wondering what does this mean and what does that mean and why havent i heard from her today and why wont she say how she feels ?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I am very fearful that you are setting yourself up for a very big fall. You say you don't want to lose her but if she has a family you don't really have her now. You have built a world where the two of you are a couple but that is only in those times when she is with you. She has an entire world elsewhere. I don't want you to get hurt.

 

As far as communication, this will always be and increasingly difficult. That is part of this arrangement. I don't want you to try to create a life where she is back and forth. Everyone can leave. It happens all the time. You may have to consider that she wants the best of both worlds. She has a young, sensitive, dedicated guy while she has two worlds. In addition, consider the saying the best predictor of the future is the past. Who is to say if she will do the same thing to you. I am sorry to sound negative but this situation almost never ends well. What if she just goes back to her family with no warning. I wish you the best but wanted to give you all the facts. If you are going to stay you have to find the peace to not worry when you can't get together or communicate.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

 

I can see you are in a lot of pain. It can be so hard to be so in love with someone you can't be with all the time.

 

One thing you can try on the days that you can't be with her, or don't hear from her is --in order to keep yourself from going 'crazy' with worrying and wondering, is to write her a letter that day. Start it in the morning and keep adding to it as the day goes on. When the time comes that you would usually talk to her (but can't, for some reason that day) write down what you would have liked to say to her.

 

It almost doesn't matter if you ever show her the letters or not. But it will be a way for you to get your thoughts out on paper, which should help you clear your mind so you can get through the day without too much pain, as it will feel as if you really have been talking to her throughout the day.

 

This will help in the short term. The previous expert has already addressed the long-term issues you face. But until then, keeping a running letter to her that you add to during the day will help reduce the obsessing feeling.

 

And in answer to your question of finding out if you are losing her...only she can answer that for you. You're in a tough spot, because she also has to consider her children's lives in her decision. If her husband finds out about the affair, he could try to take the children away from her in a divorce. Even though she may love you, she may not be able to make the decision to put her family at risk. If she gradually decreases her contact with you, it may be her way of pulling back, but not wanting to hurt you.

 

Be careful with your heart...whether she stays with the family, or leaves her husband for you, there will be a rocky road ahead. Even if she leaves him for you, there will be a court and custody battle that will create a lot of drama in your first years together. It can be hard for a relationship to survive that...

 

If you have insurance, it might be worth having a therapist to talk to to support you through this turmoil. Here's a link to help you find one, if you think it might help to have a neutral third party to talk to .

 

I wish you all the best,

Suzanne

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Suzanne
Suzanne
Therapist in Private Practice
338 Satisfied Customers
Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency