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Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6891
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi All, I feel really silly about this however i figured it

Customer Question

Hi All, I feel really silly about this however i figured it is worth a shot.... I am a 25 year old woman i have been with my now 'Husband' almost 6 years. we met in my first year of university in Nov 2005 I had just turned 20 he 25. We had a beautiful relationship, we talked traveled did everything together we were so in love or 'obsessed' with each other to the point where it would hurt if we were apart. we have gone through alot together as a couple.. we always had the same issue My Mr. was always the laid back sort of dude dealing with life as it comes he was never financially stable and alot of the financial stability was provided by me, Not that it mattered as i was hoping thing will change.   I believe our issues started 18 months ago when we became public. we happen to have very complicated ethnic background that does tend to put a lot of pressure on couples in a relationship due the so called 'Traditions'. We grew distance I grew more insecure (I had put on alot of weight during the time, degree and masters pressure). on his side he felt my temper getting worst and worst which i also admit too. financial situation did not get any better. In April 2010 we had a 5 star wedding in the UAE (Where i am from) with a budget of 30k he provided 10k and the rest was supplied by my mother. in any case the wedding was a disaster to put it lightly, for both of us our families managed to cause feuds and issues which consequently affected us. we argued alot before the wedding on the phone. i almost called the wedding off etc... despite all of the drama we managed to tie the knot.   almost a year later, The financial situation still very much unstable, we happen to be lucky that my mother has provided with a house so we live rent free. our relationship has grown more tired more competitive, I am temping despite the bright future everyone had predicted including myself which makes me feel awful. I managed to lose all the excess weight hoping it might bring some sort of spark or enticing into the relationship but i was wrong. I cant help but feel that am no longer in love with him the way i did, i also cant help but feel slight resentment towards the financial situation (which i must admit he is working on trying to improve it however i dont see it as enough), I also dont know why i feel i would be able to focus more on my nonexistent career if i get out of this. on the other hand i just cant do it! he is my first love my first man and I wouldnt even know how to act nor do I think I have it in me to invest time an effort in another relationship. We sat down we spoke i made all of this clear, He also mentioned how my Temper is now Awful (i WONT deny it) he also mentioned how am losing my self and my personality due to the knock downs (Knockdowns i.e disappointment from very close friends and career failure) i received over the period we been together ( also very true) he also pointed out how i now stopped giving him attention and am more concerned with myself. I know that all he said is true but I just dont feel like i have in me anything left to give. I feel that our relationship has been so intense so demanding from day dot at times it was me at times it was him but it was and it has been. A year into marriage i cant help but think that our situation is not what i wanted nor what i expected. I understand i might sound materialistic and a money driven person however it is not the case. I dont want us rich i want us comfortable an entity that strives together to get somewhere and achieve brilliant results together. I also want children and i dont want to be on social welfare nor have i ever cared for the system, I dont know if it is my family or the way i have been brought up but am convinced my way is the right way. I refuse to be one of them women who have children and then not provide the world or be distracted with other concerns. I also feel very very very low about my self for some reason i seem to think am an awful human being for thinking the way i do. My husband or partner does not help by being sarcastic and dry the entire time and i start to believe that some of the things he calls me even if he thinks are jokes i take to heart. I also told him however he seems to think am being oversensitive am thinking perhaps. as you can see i am very conflicted within myself and confused, not knowing what to do is an annoying sensation that i dont care for much, As is clear i like being in control of my life but am no longer sure what is right what is wrong. what type of person I am or anything I have lost faith both in my self and fate. I hope you can give me some advice.   Many Thanks in advance and kind regards <br />I also would like to add that I cant help the need or desire whichever to be with more men sexually, I feel that I have not had enough sexual exxperience before we gotten married, nonetheless i am very happy with him sexually. as a matter of fact sex together is one of the few good things we have.   I really hope you can give me some kind of advice or guidance. <br /><br />Hannah, UK
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 4 years ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, Hannah, I am here for you, and your question is not silly at all. You have clearly thought a great deal about the problems in your marriage and your feelings, and this is a very good thing. It is understandable that at this point you are very confused and cannot figure this out on your own. I strongly suggest that you find a psychotherapist who can help your sort through your feelings about all of this and make a decision about what to do. You may go to to find a psychotherapist in your area of Britain. Your asking this very thoughtful question shows me that you desire help in sorting all of this out. I hope you will take my advice and find a therapist. If I have answered your question, please remember to click on the green accept button so that I will be credited for my professional time. If no, chat back and I will respond. I wish you healing and a restored faith in yourself. Take care, Eleanor

Customer :

I am not very satisfied with the answer am afraid

Customer :

I would like to work with another expert if possible. I dont very much believe in therapists thus the reason for me coming on this site :) i am sorry.

Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

I agree with the expert that you should find a therapist in your area. The confusion you describe as she said can be addressed so that you don't feel so alone and they will help you make an informed decision. What you describe as confusion can simply be a host of emotions coming at you regarding several concerns, - your marriage, your job etc.


Don't fear therapy. As far as your relationship, I don't think you are being unfair regarding the finances. You just want an equal partnership. Lots of career women want this same thing. Sometimes when women feel they are doing more, sharing more, or providing more they begin to feel resentful. This imbalance causes feelings of resentment. This sounds like part of your problem.


There may be hope for you as a couple but that is really your decision. Sex should not be the best part of a relationship. You should have different deeper benefits such as trust, honesty, integrity, companionship, etc. If these things are lacking then you need to decide if it is worth saving and get professional help. If you know in your heart it isn't then you have no choice but to voice these concerns to your partner and take it from there.


This decision is not for either of your family's benefits. You need to have a discussion like none you have had before. Figure out where you want this relationship to be in the future. If you don't see one, tell him as much

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