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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Why would she say she is not ready what should i do I met

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Why would she say she is not ready? what should i do?
I met a girl at my office about one and a year ago (Nov 2009)and at the beginning we went out a couple of times. She had return to Cyprus from her masters in London and got a job at the same firm i work. During the time we went out she had a distant relationship with an italian guy she met in london. I knew she had that thing going on but we avoided discussing it. She had never told me about it, i found out from some colleagues. The night before she flew to italy during xmas time she told me to go out and she told me that she was going to italy to break up with the guy and that she wanted to continue seeing each other upon her return. I told her that i would like that as well.

She came back after about a week or so but things were completely different (completely changed). After she came back we talked on the phone a couple of times, i did not ask her what happened in italy as i wanted her to tell me on her own. The problem was, she was acting as if it suit her i was not asking that critical question. For about a month or so I wasn’t sure whether she had broken up with him or not. I tried to ask her out, so one night we went out, we had a great time but for once more we were avoiding the discussion about the trip. So the first problem was that I was getting mixed signals…. We would have a great time when we were together, but she would never call or text unless I was the one who made the first move. So one day I asked her what was going on (that was mid feb almost two months after she had gone to italy). She she had broken up with him but she still had feelings about him. (the truth however was that she hadn’t broken up with him..). She told me also that everything she told me before she went to italy about me were all true but it was bad timing.

I said ok and following that I kept my distance up until couple of months later when she had sent me an email to arrange to go out one night to catch up… So I went to her place and we went to a nearby coastal city. We had a very nice time we had a romantic walk on the beach but because I was so confused and things were so blurry I never made a move…. The reasons why I was so defensive were because I knew that she was very confused and couldn't break up with the other guy.

Six months later and around xmas time of 2010, we went out a couple of times, we discussed over the phone the situation between us, and she told me she felt that there is something going on between us but even though she broke up with the other guy she still had feelings that didn't go away. I told her that she need to decide whether she wanted to be with me or not, and she replied by saying that even though her heart says she wants to give it a try with me her reasoning is telling her otherwise.... despite that, 2 weeks later she asked me to go out. We went out on xmas eve. During that night we were discussing personal things about each other for the first time. She asked me what i thought of her after she had told me all the qualities i have and she liked. she was very happy of what i liked about her. Towards the end of the night i walked her to her car and asked me what i was thinking. I told her i had great time and kissed her. we kissed for a while and we left. two days later i gave her a call and she did not reply.. i thought of giving her some space, but after about a month i gave it another try but she told me she was not ready... i was kind of frustrated on the phone and she realised that.. i told her that the whole situation has exhausted me and that i wanted to give and end to it... and we hung up

the odd thing now two months later is that i still like her... what makes things difficult for me is that are our desks at work are next to each other... earlier this week it was my bday and i invited her over to my small party and when she left she told me that i should keep in touch with her..

i really like her but i do not know what is the right thing to do...
thanks for listening
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
It is unfortunate that this other guy situation is effecting an otherwise healthy relationship. But I think that holding onto this any longer is leading for heartache. She has been able to leave and come back to you enough, and at this point seems like you are a convenience. Sorry. If she want to break up with him (mentally too) she would have done so. It doesn't matter how great the girl is if she is emotionally mentally or physically not available. You will stay on these repeated cycle because in her mind she isn't moving on. I think your desks being together totally complicates things because if you could put her out of your mind it would be much easier. You have to find a way to move on despite the work issue. Find a way to do so. You may also eventually find a girl that is emotionally available and you won't care where her desk is
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
First of all i would like to thank you for your prompt reply. However i woul like to ask you one more thing.

Going out on xmas eve was supposed to be something casual. We went for a coffee late afrernoon i was casually dressed and she came all dressed up because of a dinner she had to attend around 2100. Well we stayed there untill 2300 and two days later she wouldn't reply my phonecall. What i am trying to say here is that, bearing in mind she is not metally ready is there light in the tunnel? i know i am not supposed to keep myself unavailable because of her and i am not inteding doing so but the fact that she is mentally unavailable is because of me (i.e lost interest in me) or is it something that will pass by in the near future..

thank you once again..
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
If she is mentally unavailable it is because of her. This is not about you but her own need to not commit. Anything is possible especially in the future but I would fear that she can turn her emotions on and off or just be cavalier about a relationship. That is a sign that someone is not able to really have a long term healthy and committed sexual relationship. She may do this again after so many years and you will be real hurt. You take such a chance opening yourself up totally to someone who may be emotionally immature
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

dear psychlady i hope i find you well.


i would like to ask you some more questions to give me your insight about this particular matter i have talked to you about before.


as you know the story with this girl has exausted me because it doesn't seem to end.


About a month ago she sent me an email at work of a poem by Pablo Neruda Sonet XVII, which goes like this..


I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep

After about a week (it was a weekend), during which i was trying to figure out what she meant by that poem i thought of giving her a call and invite her over to my house for dinner and give it another try. i had called her on friday afternoon with no reply. She replied 3 hours later by text telling me that she was out and couldn't call me back. i said ok and called her again on saturday morning which she didn't reply. She called me back on sunday night and when i asked her how she spent her weekend she gave all these vague answers and avoided the discussion. It made me wonder a lot and i came to the conclusion that probably her supposingly ex (italian guy) flew from italy to cyprus for the weekend and she had been with him the whole time. it also made me angry not because she most probably was with him but because on one hand she sends me love poems at work and on the other hand when i try to call her, she doesn't answer the phone, and avoids to tell me how she spent her weekend.


following that i decided that if this is how she wants to be, i will stop talking to her at work and avoid having any discussions whatsoever. Later that week we had our annual party at work and we all went there. before going i told to myself that i will have a good time and avoid being with her or talking to her. At the party however i saw her that she was feeling uncomfortable i was ignoring her so later in the night she came close to me and told me that she had been watching me the whole night going from on table to another and finally we talk. she introduced to one of her best friends from work and pretty much that was it. Also before she left she came and kissed me on the cheek for goodnight, something she did only to me and not the other people from the group.


The following night we met at a common friend bday party, and again i was following the same tactick. What striked me was that wherever i would be she would come next to me trying to start a conversation with me which i would end it with a two word sentence. Later on in the night i was sitting at table and she was sitting next to me, while i was takling to the other people on the table. Later on the people left the table to sing happy bday to the host of the party, when i deliberately stayed sitting on the table to see what she would do. She stayed there with me, sitting there close to me without talking just playing with her hair and bracelets. we were sitting there for a couple of minutes when she finally left the table to wish happy bday to our friend.



i strongly believe that she had been with her ex all this time following our kiss on xmas eve, i just don't understand why conceals (she avoids answering the phone or text when i am around) it from me, and why she behaves around me the way she does.


thank you



Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but she sounds like a 16 year old who still thinks that being in love allows you to play games with people's feelings. I don't know how invested you are in this woman but she is playing games. Some people get their ego stroked by playing games - one guy off another. It makes them feel special to have guys fawning over her. I think it is terrible that she sent this poem (that was beautiful) and then act like a school girl, or be evasive. Unless she changes soon or lets you know how she feels let this go. What if you get really involved and then Italy guy comes in. Think about how bad you want such as iffy relationship
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

honestly i believe her "love" to the other guy is a childish love... correct me if i am wrong, but with the other guy the've been together during her master's degree in london for a maximum of 6-8 months!! When she came back to cyprus, he wanted to come to cyprus to be with her but she didn't. They 've had these on and offs together for the past 1.5 years which they weren't even in the same country... i sometimes blame myself for not doing enough but maybe you are right its because she is not mature enough to realise certain things. it is as if she wants to be some kind of femme fatale...


she hasn't had previous relationships so maybe that's the reason. However she is a very nice person thats why i like her so much, and maybe its that that draws me to her.

Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
She may be inexperienced and this leads her to such confusion . However I am concerned for you. What if this isn't a puppy love. There shouldn't be ANY love. If you in your heart want to sort this out, of course do so. You don't want to be wondering later if you made a mistake. You are going to have to sort this out and encourage her not to send mixed messages. That way you are not left guessing
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

i didn't quite get What if this isn't a puppy love. There shouldn't be ANY love.


thank you

Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I mean "childish love". There shouldn't be love for anyone else childish or otherwise.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
so you are saying she does love him, and that i should stop wondering whether she felt something or not for me, when all this time most probably liked my attention only.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I think she hasn't let go and that is a problem. Only she knows if she loves him. I am afraid that she does love the attention exemplified by allowing two of you to date her. The word love regarding either of you is hard because she has the answer to that. I just don't see what purpose close contact with him serves.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

"close" contact because technically they live in different countries..



well i guess this situation with her is as confusing as it can be...


sometimes before, i was hoping that this would turn into something good, nevertheless i appreciate your thoughtful and insightful advice.



Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I wish you the best
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