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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have known my husband for a year and a half and we have been

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I have known my husband for a year and a half and we have been married for a year. We only had sex for like the first month or two then he just stopped having sex with me. Then we got married a few months later and I thought things would change but they never did and now till this day he hasn't had sex with me and its been over a year now. We talk about it all the time and he always says that its not me that its him and that the same thing happened to him in his other relationships. That used to give me some sense of peace but it doesn't anymore. I've become extremely frustrated and I really just feel like he is just not sexually attracted to me. He's also went to see a urologist and had some tests done and his testosterone levels are good so it just leads me to believe that it's psychological that physical. He has a low libido rather than impotency because there has been times when I would initiate and would get aroused but I get tired of being the one to have to initiate. I want to see and feel that I'm wanted and desired by him. I've been trying for over a year to figure out what the problem is but I still haven't been able to find the answer. Can you help me?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I can understand the difficulty in dealing with this issue. A low sexual drive and minimal sexual activity can often cause women to doubt their own attractiveness. Marriage counseling can deal with the psychological impact of his sex drive and also help you both gain insight into why this may be happening. In the meantime you can initiate sex while knowing that this is no longer something you will have to do forever. There is also a great book if you want to educate yourself on the differences in male sexual thinking and women's. It called Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

Continue to discuss this until you can find a counselor that can help to better understand this problem and help you communicate your needs to each other. This is the only way to eliminate your fears that you are desirable. This most likely is not the reason since he committed himself to you after this problem started
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
That's where it gets more complicated for me to understand. When he married me it wasn't for love..it was for business. We were roommates when we met and after a few months of knowing each other he made a business proposition with me asking me to marry him for business reasons. At first I told him no because I wanted to marry for love and he understood. Then eventually we became closer and we started to go out. A month or two later he stopped having sex with me. But I developed stronger feelings for him anyway and I let him know. At that point he told me he cares for me too but this point the relationship is at a dead end cause he still needs to get married for business purposes. He said he still has to meet another woman to marry him for business and that it may affect our relationship because he would have to start spending a lot more time with her cause they would have to get to know each other. So I decided that we break up because I could not help him and that I wanted to marry for love and he could do what he had to do. Then I decided a few days later I told him that I would marry him. But I'm not sure if I married him because I really wanted to help him or if it was because I didn't want him to marry anyone else or both. At that time I spoke to him about the lack of sex and said it maybe because he was stressed about his situation. So I thought that when we got married he wouldn't be stressed anymore because he would have his situation taking care of. So we married a month later and the lack of sex never changed. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I was devastated but I didn't say anything, I just tried to be patient but till this day he still hasn't had sex with me. So I just feel like deep down he doesn't have those type of feelings for me because I'm just business. I bring that up to him all the time and he always says that's not true that he really cares for me. I tell him I know you care for me but as a friend not as a lover. I tell him that I just feel like a friend to him but he always disagrees. I just don't know what to think.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Before you focus on the sexual issues, work on the deeper problem. What is the basis of your marriage for you and him. If you both are not there for passion, companionship, trust, intimacy etc. sex is just a symptom of a larger problem. It worries that you went in with a business arrangements and then tried to change this to a marriage based on love and companionship. That is a very difficult transition and require both of you to become partners rather than associates. The key issue is where each of you are as far as your feelings. This can mean that he "cares" about you but that doesn't translate to love and passion. At this point you need to ask some hard questions, not just sex, and you have to be prepared for the answers. Otherwise you will need to function in this marriage and not be satisfied by it
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I always have these conversations with him. I always say tell him I know he cares for me but there's no passion and it's important for to have passion too. There's no romance either cause he's always working or busy with something. He tries to spend time with me but it's just not enough. He tries to blame our problems on my BPD which I know causes problems cause it affects all my relationships with family and friends too. But one of the symptoms of BPD is paranoia...yes I do have alot of paranoia but the thing is it's not a paranoia that he's not having sex with me...it's a FACT. There is no way I am making that up in my head but I do have paranoia about WHY he's not having sex with me. And I'm always trying to figure out if it's paranoia or it's just my intuition? But I don't think we have these problems just because of my BPD. I'm confused I don't know what to think?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I haven't assumed that you are paranoid. Most women who had husbands not having sex with them, may infer that they are unattractive or have done something wrong. Women also have great intuition so don't label this as paranoid. You FEAR the reasons he is not having sex with you.

The reason spending some time alone and some apart is difficult is because the security of marriage is not there. This security comes from love, trust, and devotion in a marriage. When this is missing, time by yourself presents as loneliness rather than independence.

Your marriage seems to have problems over and above your disorder. It is not fulfilling. Therefore these may even complicate the disorder. Please seek counseling to explore your issues and to find support in making whatever decisions you need to make.
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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