How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

i am a lot more sexual than my boyfriend. weve been together

Resolved Question:

i am a lot more sexual than my boyfriend. we've been together for years and like most couples, our sex drive for each other somewhat plateaued over time, or at least in a way. we have a perfect relationship otherwise-we enjoy each other very much, we always have fun together and we have everything in common. we're best friends, but there are times when i feel like we've sort of become..friends. i've brought it up to him a few times over the past year or so, but i'm not the most eloquent speaker and i used some wrong words and arrangements and what i was trying to say came out wrong. this is the only time there's been negativity in our relationship.

since the beginning, our sex has been somewhat one sided-i suck him, we do it and he starts feeling the sensation of orgasm and ends up coming because he can't hold back. it's not bad sex, but he also has trouble making me come -it's only happened a handful of times. he;s really good at touching and licking, and i tell him. but he sort of stopped trying after a while or cutting back his time there.

i'm not sure if it started after or before we began these conversations, but there have been a few (less than 10) times he couldn't get hard. obviously this frustrates him and causes him a lot of stress. but recently, in our most recent conversation, he confessed that even if i start flirting with him he panics that he won't be able to get hard and it takes over his brain and literally prevents him from being able to do anything. i feel terrible about it, and also somewhat responsible since i know at least some of it has to do with the sex talks, which he hates having. finally, i figured it out myself-part of it is (or results from) that now we are a lot less affectionate with each other. this has started changing over the past week or so but i realized we don't have as much physical contact-kissing, touching, things other than intercourse. i touch him but he doesn't return the favor as much as i would like.

since i've already created some damage by the way i've brought it up, how can i repair that? how can i convince him to be more giving, and open to what i want to do, and be a confident lover? i find confidence very sexy, and i feel like he's lost a lot of it. we've tried watching porn a bit (his initiation since he knows i watch porn), but i think part of or most of the issue between us has to do with the fact that we are somewhat sexually unmatched. he's happy with sex in a bed a couple of times a week, and i want him to pee on me. :) which he's not ok with, and that's fine, i know it's not a very reasonable request for most people, but he won't let me hold it when he pees, or let alone really even watch. so that's an example of how it is between us. we lack a type of passion that even if we're more open with each other sexually - (him to me), this might not fix it. if someone told me their desires that i wasn't into--within reason--i would try it at least once and it would turn me on because it turns him on. but it's not that way with us. we don't tear each other's clothes off, and sex usually happens under specific circumstances-he likes it while i am or we're both sleeping.. a lot of the time when i try initiating it, he's busy, not in the mood, something hurts, the game is on, etc. lately he says all that it's driven by his fear of not getting it up. unfortunately this is putting me in a bad mood the next day when i can't get any action, and affects my mood, and subsequently his-over time.

thank you for your help with this.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like you are mismatched sexually and this has led to your problems. Of course counseling is always the number one solution especially if it is sexual. This can work wonders.

 

Fetishes such as peeing can be satisfying but detrimental if the other person does not want to participate. Unless he is into that 100% do not push. You don't want to ask for anything that he is uncomfortable with because this can increase the anxiety he is feeling. This also goes for giviing him a sense of urgency. It takes time and patience but anxiety regarding sex (and not getting hard) can be resolved. There is a great book you would love called Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.

 

Try to use those communication skills to attempt to create better communication regarding sex. Also make a point to have date nights again wherein you can create intimacy that leads to sex. Unfortunately you have to maitnain a sense of compromise in order to meet him halfway as you are more sexually adventurous then he is. If you can create that sense of safety then the rest will follow.

 

Open communication about sex is always helpful too. Don't push the envelope too far at first and create a dialogue that is conducive to change

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency