He will not consider counceling. Had to do that for his accident, and swears it is a waste of time. He is convinced he has the intelligence and ability to work things out for himself. He will not stop talking to her for now....concerned for her mental health as well. As far as he is concerned our relationship was damaged before he contacted her and that she has little to do with that, although he acknowleges that it is ripping my heart out, and that is the last thing he wants to happen. In a perfect world, he would like to take care of both of us. He is VERY much that way, to a fault. By walking away, it is to cool off and continue the conversation at a later time, not to avoid it.
As far as the babysitting goes, I do love my grandchildren immensely, but I also need a life. Between the grandkids, our children, the business(trucking) and our little horse ranch about 20 head to care for, (mostly my daughter-in-law's business, but we help out a lot as she also has a full time job on the side).and horse day camp all summer ,there has been little time for ourselves. We both feel trapped by the "monster" we have created, everyone in so intertwined, even homes. I have told the kids, 1 a teacher, another a teacher's aid that there will be no babysitting for the summer. There is one however that is having a tough time with that as she has 5 children 10 and under, and does have to work in the summer. Two of our children are pregnant, one has it all figured out for future daycare, the other is still needing us to help out. We really didn't plan on raising a second family, but it feels as though we are.
Thanks for the book suggestions, I will look into them. If I could just regain my concentration and memory, this should all be doable. I am exhausted, can't sleep and emotional exhausted as well...............but never give up right?
You have said pretty much what I expected, but it is good to have a second opinion. I will try the books you suggested. The kids may be gone for a few weeks, but believe me, the business is going to still be here. I probably wouldn't know what to do with my time if it went away anyway. My solace in the summer is my veggie garden, as long as I keep it small and weeded! If not, it too can become burdensome, as it is kind of right in the middle of the horse camp area, and needs to look good for the clients. I can most all of our fruits, veggies, and sauces. Just need to remember there is only two of us now.....
I don't know if this is possible, but is there another counseler there that can look at my questions, and perhaps see it from another standpoint? You have been great, but I would like to fill my head with as many coping tools as I can. Thanks
why did I marry when I did? Looking back I think it was because #1 I was pregnant, #2 I was terrified (although my folks were very good about it) #3 I felt like there was no one else who would ever love me, which was why I was pregnant. I met him when I was 14, and never dated anyone else. He was very good to me.
My home life as kid was fine. We were poor, but Mom & Dad gave us all they could, which was more than most in our neighborhood. Neither was huggy, I guess I didn't know then that was missing..........My older brother picked on both my sister and I, sometimes introducing us as his 4 sisters.
No history of any real abuse. When my husband was in his accident and had a closed head injury he would sometimes fly off the handle and push me around some, but that was his injury, not him. It did make me fearful of him, however. Mom and Dad didn't have an aggressive bone in their bodies, never knew married people fought until I met my husband's parents.
I am 5'4", I currently weigh 208, I have weighed as much as 256, but that was a long time ago.My Dr. would like me to shot for 170. I was at 188 last year, but piled on 30 pounds due to depression meds and the more I gained the more frustrated I got, (not realizing until I saw dr that the meds could do that, change meds). I asked my Mom to take me to the Dr. for a diet when I was 9 years old....she did, we did what he suggested, but I honestly don't recall what kind of results we had. I was very active as a kid with horseback riding, and my bicycle. I am back on track for losing weight, but exercise is tough for me as I have a genetic problem with an ancle and flat foot,pretty much the whole suport system is slowly collapsing. Too much exercise or unlevel ground can be very painful, so I am trying low impact on an eliptic machine at home, with a big exercise ball and swimming at the Y twice a week. I may have to give that up, it is a 40 mile round trip and if gas keeps going up, I don't know if I can keep going.
What would highly valuing and loving myself look, feel and be like and how do I accomplish this?
That is a loaded question. I don't think I have ever felt that way my entire life. And how DO I accomplish this?
A little more info; our jobs are by no means 9-5. "office hours" are 8-5; but we have to be accessible any time a truck is on the road, so this is most of the time.
My husband and I own the business together; we employ our son and our son-in-law; one rents from us,( his wife also runs a equine business on our property) the other is buying; but we hold the contract. Same with oldest daughter, single and not part of the business. We have some wonderful grandchildren, and this is why he is still here. It has little to do with me, although he says he loves me just hates living with me.......our resourses are too tapped out to afford two homes. So here we are. I WANT him to stay, but it is tough when he obviously is not happy here......the girlfriend is not going away; she has made that clear. I can't help but wonder if they have blown one another up in their minds over the 'dark years' and it is a big fantasy relationship or are they truly soul mates? (my phrase, not his). He insists she has nothing to do with our relationship, as as far as he is concerned we were on the rocks long before he went looking for her. That is true for him, but certainly not for me. For me she is the larger part of the issue. I don't know if I can resume a real relationship suspecting they are just waiting for the right time to be together. How can I possibly be able to improve our relationship with her 'here' every day? She is now considering a divorce; and claims that my husband has nothing to do with that, although when they first started communicating, she said repeatedly how much she loved her husband and her life. Yes, he has told me all of this over the last few months. Some days I want as much info as he will give; trying to see where I stand, other days all it does is rip my heart and soul out of me. I guess today is one of those days.....
He is trying to settle things in his own mind; I want him to do it NOW; but that is just not realistic, I suppose.
We are in the process of an equipment purchase in another state, east of where we live; she is south. He is thinking of driving out to make the deal (about 5 days) for a break and time to think. However; he is also considering heading her way first; saying he needs to make eye contact; talk to her and try to assess the situation. He has some doubts; her faith being one of them he is not a church goer; she attends 3; plus she and her husband surrender 12% of their annual income to their church. He also states that he will not live in the state she lives in; doesn't like anything about it. She is a city dweller with asthma; he is country boy. He needs to know if she could be happy out of the city; she needs to know he would hate city life. In short the marriage is in his hands right now; all I can do is wait. I intend to use this time to improve myself and make some lasting changes. He has little hope for me; thinks genetics play too much of a part in who a person is. I have to admit; my father's side of the family has a mean streak; he didn't, but it is very apparent in most of the family. I have always disliked that about my siblings and tried hard not to be that way...........according to him I have done a lousy job of it. I have asked him to point out to me when I do something sarcastic or nasty because I truly was unaware of it most of the time. I was/am angry at him for not paying much attention to me; the harder I tried to make him hear me, the more he just drifted away. I see that now. Too little too late I am afraid. I hope I am wrong...........
Back to me, I don't know what to do to change me other than try to figure out all that has gone wrong. He won't tell me more than a couple of things because suddenly after all these years of trying to force me to be the person he wanted, he now has done a complete reverse and told me he wants me to figure it out on my own. He no longer wants to be apart of that. It is a 180 for sure. I am lost.
For Mark Manely
You have given me plenty to think about. Thanks. Does it bother me that you said I don't have much self? Yes it does. But I am beginning to understand . I haven't stood up for myself and risked what relations are left for years. Cowardly, huh? I am like my Mom that way. I DON'T want to be Mom. I don't have answers for the other questions yet, but I will give it a lot of thought. I found myself being impatient that your answers seemed to take so long.....I need to realize change takes time and I have to take the time. It is sometimes hard to take time for myself when my work load is so overwhelming. I have decided to schedule 'my time' as part of my day, and just force everything else into a smaller part of the day. Yesterday I was really down; went to a riding lesson, and felt 10 times better. I also appreciate you not just sympathising with me, I need help and suggestions, but not you poor thing. That feels good, but I don't think it helps, I usually need a kick in the butt.
I put your name at the top of the communication; was there something else I needed to do? If so please explain what I need to do, I want you to get credit for your advice.
I have decided maybe for now I should more or less ignore the girlfriend since he is still living here and just work on me. Do you think that is a good idea, or should I continue to discuss her with him? In your opinion, what would be best? Some days he wants to talk, others like today, nothing except do you want a cup of tea, or would you grab me a.........