What would highly valuing and loving myself look, feel and be like and how do I accomplish this?
That is a loaded question. I don't think I have ever felt that way my entire life. And how DO I accomplish this?
A little more info; our jobs are by no means 9-5. "office hours" are 8-5; but we have to be accessible any time a truck is on the road, so this is most of the time.
My husband and I own the business together; we employ our son and our son-in-law; one rents from us,( his wife also runs a equine business on our property) the other is buying; but we hold the contract. Same with oldest daughter, single and not part of the business. We have some wonderful grandchildren, and this is why he is still here. It has little to do with me, although he says he loves me just hates living with me.......our resourses are too tapped out to afford two homes. So here we are. I WANT him to stay, but it is tough when he obviously is not happy here......the girlfriend is not going away; she has made that clear. I can't help but wonder if they have blown one another up in their minds over the 'dark years' and it is a big fantasy relationship or are they truly soul mates? (my phrase, not his). He insists she has nothing to do with our relationship, as as far as he is concerned we were on the rocks long before he went looking for her. That is true for him, but certainly not for me. For me she is the larger part of the issue. I don't know if I can resume a real relationship suspecting they are just waiting for the right time to be together. How can I possibly be able to improve our relationship with her 'here' every day? She is now considering a divorce; and claims that my husband has nothing to do with that, although when they first started communicating, she said repeatedly how much she loved her husband and her life. Yes, he has told me all of this over the last few months. Some days I want as much info as he will give; trying to see where I stand, other days all it does is rip my heart and soul out of me. I guess today is one of those days.....
He is trying to settle things in his own mind; I want him to do it NOW; but that is just not realistic, I suppose.
We are in the process of an equipment purchase in another state, east of where we live; she is south. He is thinking of driving out to make the deal (about 5 days) for a break and time to think. However; he is also considering heading her way first; saying he needs to make eye contact; talk to her and try to assess the situation. He has some doubts; her faith being one of them he is not a church goer; she attends 3; plus she and her husband surrender 12% of their annual income to their church. He also states that he will not live in the state she lives in; doesn't like anything about it. She is a city dweller with asthma; he is country boy. He needs to know if she could be happy out of the city; she needs to know he would hate city life. In short the marriage is in his hands right now; all I can do is wait. I intend to use this time to improve myself and make some lasting changes. He has little hope for me; thinks genetics play too much of a part in who a person is. I have to admit; my father's side of the family has a mean streak; he didn't, but it is very apparent in most of the family. I have always disliked that about my siblings and tried hard not to be that way...........according to him I have done a lousy job of it. I have asked him to point out to me when I do something sarcastic or nasty because I truly was unaware of it most of the time. I was/am angry at him for not paying much attention to me; the harder I tried to make him hear me, the more he just drifted away. I see that now. Too little too late I am afraid. I hope I am wrong...........
Back to me, I don't know what to do to change me other than try to figure out all that has gone wrong. He won't tell me more than a couple of things because suddenly after all these years of trying to force me to be the person he wanted, he now has done a complete reverse and told me he wants me to figure it out on my own. He no longer wants to be apart of that. It is a 180 for sure. I am lost.