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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
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Me and my ex girlfriend have been friends for 20 years. About

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Me and my ex girlfriend have been friends for 20 years. About a 2 months ago I cheated on her and it was the worst thing I ever did. We broke up, and I thought we were working though things. Than about a monh ago she started dating other guy. We havent talked in almost 2 weeks, and she calls me today. Saying she missed talking to me. we talked for a hour. Had a great converstion. But when I asked her why she really called me she couldnt answer. She has three kids that talk about me all the time. What do you think this means. S

Mark Manley :

She loves you and misses you but she can't come right out and say it because she would look so foolish. Of course she is also afraid of being hurt again. Don't ask her questions like "why did you really call" because they give her no way to save face or to feel some level of protection. If you,re interested in getting her back, better to acknowledge that you hurt her and acknowledge how stupid you were and ask her to consider forgiving you. Let her know that you know it will take time to heal and to trust again and that you are willing to see if that can happen and you hope she is too. The other guy is just a "I will show him" thing, but don't ever tell her that or it could backfire on you big time. If you love her, eat humble pie, become loyal to her and give her encouragement and when needed some space to heal. Lots of couples recover from things like this but not without considerable pain. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
How will know she is ready? We talked again on the phone this morning, she was telling about job she might get in columbia, so she wouldn't have to drive to rock hill everyday. So she could spend more time with her 3 kids, that she doesnt get to see. She than told me she wanted to join golds gym, I said that would be great. She is now doing all things I told her she should be doing while, now that we are apart. But she is not talking to her current boyfriend about these things, just me. She than needed help with the kids tonight, to take them to skate nite. I said I would be glad to help. She said she would think about it, but later texted back her nany was going to do it. But said thank you for offering to help. Iam so confused. We went from not talking at all in a week to talking and texting on the phone with in one day. What advice to you have for me.
You are understandably anxious to get your relationship back in order and settled. You have to go slow so she has time to adjust to a new relationship with you. Also you need to go slow to give yourself some time to figure yourself out. Do you know why you went out on her? Would you do it again under the same or similar conditions? If not, how would you deal with relationship problems differently? Also I wouldn't term her friend as "boyfriend" even if she does they have only been dating for a month and how frequently at that. Just be friendly and don't pressure her. Let her be in charge of "knowing she is ready', that's her responsibility.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I went out on her bc I needed a break. It was a day after she busted me. When she left the day I broke it off, I knew I made a mistake. I wish I would have never done what I did, But I cant take my mistake back. I have been apogizling for two months. Every time i think we are getting better she brings that back up. I would never do it again. I realized that she is the love of my life. So you wouldn't term it as a boyfriend? Its so weird we have been best friends for 20 years. We have both been divorced! We have been dating for almost a year. Than one stupid nite I mess up, and than a week later she is talking to someone else. I just don't get it. We have so much history... Can she throw that all away? So yesterday as soon as she gets off work she calls me, tells me about her day and everything. Talked on the phone for 30 mins. Than when I texted her, it was back to short and brief. So iam at her mercy? Iam I reading to much into all of this? I know she loves me, but she is so scared of me hurting her again.

I would not term the other guy 'boyfriend' . OK it's going to take time and there is going to be a lot of hot and cold behavior from her. Keep being patient and don't apologize as often now. Consider some couples counseling if and when she is willing to get back together. OK that's the extent of what I can do for you on this question. If/when you would like more of my input frame a new question.
Mark Manley
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