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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1475
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Where do I begin. Since September I have been seeing a psychotherapist

Customer Question

Where do I begin. Since September I have been seeing a psychotherapist 2 to 3 times a week. When I began with her I was on the verge, if not in the middle of, having a nervous breakdown that was triggered by the discovery two months prior (beginning of June this last summer) of an emotional affair my gay male partner was cultivating. We have been together for 16 years. Therapy has been difficult, challenging, interesting, exciting, liberating, and caused me to look at why I do the things that I do. Not only have I taken a long hard look at all of my relationships past and present, I have also had to reassess the relationship I have with myself. My partner has since admitted that his relationship with this person is inappropriate (though not sexual) and that he needs to take more responsibility for his role in all of this. Despite this he continues to speak, text, email, and share details of our personal life with this individual in secret. When confronted he tells me he is distancing himself or simply lies about the contact. He feels that I need to give him time to work through it. He has no intention of giving up this friend who is aware of the infatuation and the strain it is placing on our relationship yet still chooses not to extricate himself. My question is am I wrong to feel unhappy about all of this or am I being unfair?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Have they just been friends or do you feel their was more going on? He shouldn't be lying about speaking to this person. That is not being honest in your relationship. Is this person someone he talks to when he is having problems like a friend that he goes to for guidance, advice?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

My partner is 30 years older than Seb (the friend) and they are both pianists so they met in a musical setting. He was introduced to me as someone who could work with me professionally (I am a singer). They fell out for about 6 months after which Seb asked to resume the friendship. I don't feel there is anything sexual (that would almost be easier in a way) but it is the emotional attachment and the sycophantic nature of the relationship that disturbs me. It left me feeling like an outsider and rather paranoid at one stage. I also feel that Seb is a manipulative character. Accepting money and gifts from someone else's partner and keeping yourself in the picture even though you are part of the problem is inexplicable. I just don't know if I should leave. He goes to Seb to feel dominant and have his ego stroked.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Could you explain why you think the nature of the relationship is sycophantic? I also would like to know the reason why he lies about talking to this friend?

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