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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My story is, I know a guy through friends for the past year

Customer Question

My story is, I know a guy through friends for the past year and half, we only met in parties and never really talked. Fast forward, four months ago, he came to my party and we showed each other we are interested and kissed. He then left to another country three days after for a duration of four months. Over the four months, we kept in constant contact over email and msging. Now four months later, he came back. I picked him up at the airport and as soon as i drove him home, he wanted to have sex with me. We made out a little bit but I refuse to sleep with him, so the night ended weird as he got mad at me when i made a joke about him trying to get in my pants. I left and didn't heard from him for couple of days. Three days later, I got the courage to call him and find out whats going on, he flat out told me, when he saw me at the airport, he had no feelings for you. I asked him why he tried to sleep with me, he said, because i wanted to see if sleeping with you will bring some feelings back. I told him i was upset with him and i thought we can start over but I guess its not possible now, he agreed and thats where it ends. Now three days later, he sent me a email saying this:


I wanted to write you this letter to apologize for the way i behaved and for what happened between us. I felt terrible for what i did, i wasn't thinking clearly then. I don't expect you to ever forgive me,
i just wanted you to know for the past couple of months i have been under a huge amount of stress and im not myself at times.

I also wanted you to know this is not a sympathy letter, im not asking you for forgiveness. I enjoyed our talks when i was away and for what's it's worth i did keep my promise about being faithful.
I really appreciated the amount of time and effort you put in for us. I feel really embarrass, I really hope you understand what im trying to say and i also hope that this email more or less had made
you feel less upset.

So do you think he wants me back? I do miss him and I want to give him a chance, what do you think I should do now?

Thank you so much
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
Yes, he wants you back. You can both work this out if you are interested in trying this relationship again. He has had some time to think about what has happened and he feels bad about it. He knows that when he was away you and him had a connection. It sounds like he misses what you both had. He is asking for your forgiveness and telling you he kept his promise of being faithful. He is looking back think about all the times and effort you put in the relationship and he now feels embarrassed by his actions. He has admitted he was under stress and some times the people you take things out on are the ones you love and the ones closest too you because you hope they will understand. If you both can pout this in the past of what has happened and move forward in a positive way, this will be the start of a great understanding relationship. You both care about each other and it sounds like you both miss each other. I would continue to talk, work things out. Start again.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have a follow up question,
I forgot one detail when I wrote you, when i called him to ask him what is going on, I actually told him how much he upset me when he got mad at me and tried to sleep with me, and i also asked him if he have someone else for the change of heart.

My interpretation of his email is that he is apologizing for his behavior of trying to sleep with me and getting mad when i didnt want to. And not for his change of heart and his rude comments to me when I called. I just don't want to get hurt again and I am really not sure what to think.

Does the extra detail allow you to interpret the email differently?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
The one thing I would like to add is he has to respect that you didn't want to be with him in that way after the airport. He need to understand how you were feeling, you were not ready. He was apologizing for his behavior he feels bad about what he did and is trying to work out why he acted that way. I also feel that he knows he lost someone he really cared about and is hoping that you both can work this out. I understand you don't want to get hurt again. But This sounds like this could all work out. Even if it means just starting over again, moving past what happened. He feels bad about what he has done. It was good that you called him and expressed how you felt.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I respect your positive aspect on relationship. I have been hurt before and I am very sensitive to certain things. Truth is, I believe i have created an image of him over the past four months that isn't realistic. He appeared to be prince charming but when I saw him at the airport, I also felt a bit of disconnect to what i imagine him to be. i don't know he might have lost a bit of feeling for me, or having problem adjusting to being back home after four months.

Now, i like your idea of starting over again. That is what I want to do, I just really want to give us a chance to re get to know each other on a personal level, instead of through internet msg like the past four months. I think this way, its most fair to me, and to him, and if things don't work out, then that is just life and reality.

I want your advice on what should I do now? I was thinking of waiting a week or two before responding to him. I don't even know what to say or what to do? I am very confused.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
I understand what you are saying you built up this image in your mind of what things were going to be like and you both were excited to see each other after four months of messaging. You have yet to start that every day relationship. Going out to the movies, dinner, watching tv on the couch. You mentioned you were hurt before and you are very sensitive to certain issues. I understand that. You might have saw him in a totally different way when he reacted so badly the first night. The guy you thought was going to be prince charming ended up upsetting you, so it's hard to trust that he won't do that again. But he is apologizing which is remorse for what he did and he now realizes he was wrong. This is a huge step. admitting when your wrong and he did that. I don't want you to wait to answer this. A feel a week or two is to long. You don't want him to think that you don't care to answer him. He will begin to wonder if you accepted his apology or if there will ever be a chance again for you both. I would answer right away and explain how you feel and explain about the possibility of starting over and putting this behind you.

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