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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1851
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My boyfriend had recently separated when we started dating

Customer Question

My boyfriend had recently separated when we started dating (agreed to separate a couple months before but moved out a couple weeks before we met). In the beginning he made it clear there were no lingering emotional ties, they had been unhappy for a while and staying together for the kids. His behavior matched, fully with me, no distractions, minimal contact with the ex regarding their daughter & things were wonderful for months, moving forward, moved in, all was well. A few months ago (about 5 months into.our relationship) his soon to be ex found out he was with me. She went thru his phone while he was visiting their daughter and was enraged he had been in a committed relationship, was in love, living with me. Since then she has been going back and forth btwn telling him how awful he is and was, and begging him to come home. Shes been calling and texting constantly and he rarely replies, but he is noticeably stressed out about the drama. The past week or 2 have been hard, alternating btwn normal & him being Irritable, distracted, not comforting me... just hasn't been right. When I brought it up, he says he's just stressed & angry over the drama. I had a weak moment & looked at his texts briefly, then felt guilty and stopped. Just from the recent ones, she knew that he has had probs in bed and he thought I will break up. She actually reassured him I wouldn't. What should I do about the overall situation? On both sides, this feels like a great relation with bright future. How do we best cope with this rough patch? And what should I do about the texts? Feel so guilty invading his privacy & mad he told her anything about us, especially probs were having (cuz of her).
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 4 years ago.
You said it feels like a great relationship with a bright future. You need to both let go of the drama and focus on each other. Drama is something that doesn't have to be in your lives if you don't listen to it. There is only two people in a relationship not three. The ex would be upset that he has found you that is normal. She is hurt and angry that he has moved on. He might even feel bad because they have a daughter together and all the texts would bother anyone. He would be stressed out because he has to think of his daughter and I am sure he would like to have a good relationship with the mother of his child. But right now she is upset and causing problems. You both have to let her work through her hurt on her own. You both have to focus on each other. You can talk about what is going on and be understanding of one another in this situation. But you both care about each other and it is time to let the past stay in the past and both of you have a bright future like you want.

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