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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My husband has been distancing himself from me for some months

Customer Question

My husband has been distancing himself from me for some months now. When i have questioned him he has given reasons such as 'i'm tired' and 'work is stressful' and 'my arm hurts all the time' (he broke his elbow in the summer). 3 weeks ago he finally confessed that he no longer loves me and that he has been burying his head. He left to stay with his parents around the corner for a week but kept coming round daily early morning before work and after work until evening to keep things 'normal' for the children. We have two children aged 5 and 3. We have been together for 13 years and married for 6 years. We have always been close. We have never had a lot of money and my husband has always worked hard at his career as a teacher. I am an Occupational therapsist and being the primary caregiver i only work part time. Currently my husband is lving back at our home as he said he missed the children too much and felt unable to protect them overnight while away. He is sleeping on the sofa. We are being polite to each other but inside i am screaming. I cry myself to sleep every night and i am devastated. We are starting Relate counselling next week but going for different reasons. I want to fix our marriage and he wants to go for advice on how to leave me and how to tell the children etc....Im so desparate. I want to hold onto him but i know i can't make him love me. I don't want to let him go but i know i can't make him stay. I am going out of my mind. I am feeling all kinds of emotion. I am angry that he buried his head and 'allowed' himself to fall out of love with me. I am worried he has let another woman enter his head and even worse, his heart (he denies this) and i am so incredibly sad that my world and future has been turned upside down and that my children are likely to have a split family. Any advice on what i do or what you think will happen etc gratefully recieved as i'm desparate.
Many thanks
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
It is he that is going into the counselling with a view to recieve advice on how to separate and he has told me this numerous times. He has told me there is no hope for our future as he doesn't love me. Do you think he may be unwell/having a breakdown? He does work very hard but then again maybe he has thrown himself into work to avoid issues at home? Do you have any advice on strategies of what i should and should not be doing right now to help? He thinks in the short term the separation will be hard for the children but that in the long term they will benefit. I feel very hopeless. :(
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. Psychlady is right. There is no magic about what you can do to change his mind. He told you loudly and clearly that he no longer loves you. We don't have any magical words or crystal balls to see what is in his head or how to change his mind. However, since he is agreeing to go to a counselor let her/him hold the reigns. They will know where to dig and how to proceed. There is nothing we can tell you to do to change his mind. You both need to sit in someone's office and have an open dialogue. Let the counselor take control.

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