How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

so my boyfriend and i are trying to work things out after i

Resolved Question:

so my boyfriend and i are trying to work things out after i broke up with him. he finally convinced me to change my mind, and the minute i did, he's become very cold to me. i followed advice and have been trying to be patient and kind and wait for him to come around and feel safe again, but he doesn't communicate with me anymore either. i feel lik i'm talking to a wall sometimes. he's definitely warmed up a little over the last few weeks, but it's not like how it was and he often makes really passive aggressive jabs at me. we had drinks one night and he told me that sometimes he hates me but we laugh so much together that it's hard to maintain.

i'm not sure what he wants anymore and i feel really miserable. i would like to fix things but i don't know how to treat him or this. any advice on how to handle him would be appreciated.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is punishing you for breaking up with him. It is definitely difficult to deal with especially since he is taking this over weeks of time instead of just a day or two.

 

It seems to me that you have done what you could to help the situation. All that is missing is his willingness to participate in the relationship, which he is not doing right now.

 

The issue here is that now that he has shown you that he is willing to take this out on you for weeks, do you want to deal with this kind of behavior in your relationship? Unless he is willing to look at his behavior as a problem and deal with changing it, he is going to do this again. Also, the fact that he told you he hates you sometimes is a concern as well. He sounds angry and controlling, two very difficult personality issues to deal with.

 

You can try to stay with him, but that means you will have to learn to deal with his behavior. One way is to ignore him. Once you have apologized for breaking up with him and done what you could to repair the damage, then let it go. If he won't talk with you, don't force it. Let him call you when he is ready. But be prepared. He could either not call at all, call many weeks down the road, or become even more angry and make it more difficult to be with him.

 

You could also continue with him as is. Let him give you the cold shoulder and keep trying. He may eventually give up his behavior and become more accessible.

 

If you feel the relationship is worth counseling, consider going to see a therapist together. He may learn better ways of expressing his anger and learn to deal with the control issues he has. And you both can work on ways to communicate so you both feel better about each other and the relationship. You can search on line for a therapist at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard back from you. Do you have more questions or need clarification?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
sorry kate - it's been crazy busy at work. just one more thing

i do want to work things out because i still love him. but i'm not sure how to combat his negativity. like i can see if i just react to it, it could explode or spiral into something really awful.

the last time he lashed out at me, he apologized. i told him that all was forgiven and that i was probably especially sensitive to it bc of the way things have been between us. he then seemed to soften up and try to be nicer, but still not really opening up. before he left to go out of town for work, i asked him if he wanted to continue doing this bc it was hard for me to tell and that i missed him being close.

he wasn't giving me a straight answer. instead saying if he wanted to leave he would have done it long ago (during the time i was having mixed feelings about him and his situation). but he very grudgingly says i love you. and he makes me feel like i'm not wanted around when we're hanging out. however he seems equally irritated when i go off to do my own thing.

i don't want to be all analyzing stuff in his face but i just want my nice boyfriend back who used to claim that he cared for me all the time. am i just setting out for failure? is there anything i can do to make him feel like he can get close to me again?






Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

I can understand your concern about the relationship. You miss the kind and loving person he was before. It can cause confusion and hurt when someone acts differently than they used to.

 

The problem you are dealing with here is his anger. This anger he is showing you is part of his personality and unless he decides he wants to change it, he will be like this always. He has changed from the nice boyfriend he used to be because now he feels safer about you staying in the relationship. So he is going to show his real self to you.

 

You have tried many ways to reach him. Those attempts were all good ones. However, this issue has nothing to do with you and all to do with what is wrong with him. You could be anyone and he would still act the same way.

 

As hard as it is, you need to start thinking of yourself. Do you want to continue to be treated this way? Are you willing to accept his anger and withdrawal as part of your relationship?

 

His promise to stay with you is most likely because he is finding that this relationship works for him. He gets to express his anger and you stay. He gets to punish you for whatever is bothering him without repercussions. As long as you remain, he will as well.

 

You may want to start by taking a look at what is making you stay in this relationship. You deserve to be treated well and with respect and that is not what you are getting in this relationship. Try talking with a therapist to help you gain insight not only into your relationship, but yourself as well. That is the best thing you can do to help the situation right now.

 

Kate

 

 

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
1568 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues