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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My finace cheated on me with a girl (10 yrs younger & married

Customer Question

My finace cheated on me with a girl (10 yrs younger & married) that he works with, just after I moved me and my daughter into his home. They would meet ever thursday after work for drinks and/or dinner and it went onuntil I found out. They never had sex. Its been 18 months now and we are getting married next month. Whilst I no he is sorry and believe he wouldn't be unfaithful again, I am having a very difficult time accepting that they work together. Is this normal or do i need to get over it and quickly?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  BillLCSW replied 3 years ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question here at JustAnswer. I have read what you have written and am happy to respond.

Bill :

I have been treating couples for 30 years and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but when the foundation of your relationship is built upon an ongoing affair, regardless how it ends ( and they never had sex), you are dealing with someone that has a serious problem with intimacy and commitment and you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment

Bill :

What you describe is the malignant narcissist type of personality that happens to be your finance

Bill :

They are very likeable, attractive, seductive and expert at getting what they want. The dark side is just the opposite as this type never takes complete responsibility, always has an excuse or blames others. If angered, they can become enraged and typically very controlling. They feed on the adoration of others.

Bill :

I am going to give you some information to read.

Customer:

Thats sounds like him. He has sought professional help for this. Do you think this will help? Is it normal to be so angry because they work togther despite ending it?

Bill :

Before marrying, I suggest you get some pre-marital counseling to address these issues that he doesn't want to talk about. It is not wrong for you to be angry.

Customer:

Is it possible he paniced when I moved in?

Bill :

Possibly, this type cannot manage a truly intimate relationship- thats why they have numerous affairs.

Bill :

I would bet that the affair is ongoing............he has just convinced you its over.

Bill :

Read what I have given you above and you will have a deeper understanding of what you are dealing with.

Customer:

Its not on going.

Bill :

How do you know?

Customer:

He is home from work on time. No longer takes his phone with him, everywhere he goes. Allows me access to his computer. Her husband and family found out. He regrets it. He no longer drinks with anyone from work. He has gotten professional help.

Bill :

Good- will he get counseling with you?

Bill :

I see that you have stepped out of chat.

Bill :

PLEASE CLICK ACCEPT

Bill :

Bill

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  BillLCSW replied 3 years ago.
I'm sorry that you had to abruptly leave chat. I trust that nothing was too upsetting but realize that what I revealed might be uncomfortable.
I wish you the best.

Best, Bill
PLEASE CLICK ACCEPT

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I don't think you answered my initial question and instead focused on my fiance and his "possible" issues. You also assumed a lot which I found very unprofessional. I didn't give you any background re: my fiance and don't appreciate your negative thoughts or your conviction that he is still cheating.

 

I don't want a reply nor do I want advice from someone else.

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your reply.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

You and your fiance are getting married next month and this is an exciting time in your life planning a wedding. Your finace you said was meeting someone and it has long been over and now you are both getting married. You are both now going to be starting this whole new life together being married as husband and wife. You are going to exchange your vows and love to each other in one month. It is time to move on from the past and start a new life as a married couple. You are the one he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. You asked the question is it normal to have trouble accepting the fact they still work together. Yes, you would be worried about that, that is very normal. But he is marrying you, he loves you. She is in the past. This situation is in the past. You both need to focus on your love for each other and you need to start this new amazing life as husband and wife.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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