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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My boyfriend and I dated for one year together in NYC and we

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My boyfriend and I dated for one year together in NYC and we have continued the monogamous relationship for another year coast-to-coast. He took a job in CA, as he was unhappy with his job here, and I gave him my blessing to move there, telling him that if we were meant to be together it would work out (I dont really want to settle down in NY anyway so there was no reason for him to stay here unhappy). I seriously have considered moving to CA but after a year in seperate cities am still unsure. He feels I am his soulmate and said he would propose if he knew I was ready. He had an offer to move back to NY, but again, I felt that since neither one of us really wants to settle here (he is from CA, I from MN) it didnt make much sense. I had wanted to move back to MN before I met him to be closer to family and still think about that option (he said he would move there but it would not be ideal for him).

We communicate daily and have had the opportunity to see each other fairly often. We share many similar interests and have fun together...I do love him very much but I am not sure I can say 'soulmate' yet...I am trying to figure out what I am so unsure about. We met online and my instinct is that we are extremely compatible but that perhaps we are lacking in chemistry on some level, if chemistry exists. I am physically attracted to him but have felt more attracted to other partners. On a physical level, I don't think he is doing anything 'wrong,' as far as affection is concerned. I want to kiss him and smoosh his face but don't necessarily have a strong sex drive with him (although i am interested sometimes). Also, we have good conversations but I feel I have a strong interest in philosophy/spirituality that we don't often touch on.

My question is, do you think chemistry is a real phenomenon? and do you think it can build, after two years? I have such a great time with him and he treats me with the upmost respect, so if I felt more on that level this situation would be ideal.

Also, do you think it is better to go on a break from him to sort out my head (yet risk losing him) or move there and try to see if we can develop certain elements (my only concern with that being that if we are still having fun together a few months down the road but I am still unsure about marrying him...what will I do)?

He is growing impatient with waiting (like, I need to decide asap); he is nine years older than me and is anxious to buy a home, get a dog, settle in, etc. He feels the only way for us to see if we can continue to grow together is for us to be in the same city again, and I do kind of see his point on that. If I knew for sure my feelings were not that strong, I would not keep him waiting but since I do care and could potentially see a future with us, I continue to ruminate on this decision. The thought of dating other people and finding that 'chemistry/deep connection' with someone does cross my mind and there is currently a guy who likes me who I would be interested in pursuing if I were unattached...to an extent I think it is human nature to always wonder if the grass is greener but I also wonder if this means something is missing in my relationship...


Thank you for your advice!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You should never stay with a relationship out of just obligation. That will make for a long somewhat unhappy life. Physical chemistry exists - I don't know if it's actual chemistry though. This usually is there or it isn't. You can try to increase chemistry through quality time but this may be natural. Meaning I don't know if you can purposely change it. Only you know if this has the qualities of a forever relationship. Think about how you feel when your are out together and it that is sufficient for the relationship that you desire. If you are considering the feelings of another guy then that is the answer. Maybe there is something lacking in this relationship.

A long distance relationship is very difficult to maintain. This may actually reduce your times of intimacy and increase your doubts. So consider this as well. Don't marry out of comfortability or the familiar. You must be 100% sure. Don't do this until then and this also goes for moving. Don't uproot yourself until you are sure but elven so this can be fixable. Over getting married. It's not the end of the world if you move there and it doesn't work out
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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