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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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my girlfriend just ended our engagement after a year. we were

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my girlfriend just ended our engagement after a year. we were in love. i moved to her state and got an apartment. the kids were loving towardss me, and wanted me to be their step father. i financially helped her as well as cared for te kids, and housework etc. non abusive. her mother was interfearing to the point of telling her what to do. she divorced her husband and had an affair with a married man. it ended. she said he was her soulmate. even after we were engaged. love making was great. i went with her to get her tubes tied. i think she was abused as a child. she is on lexapro and xanax., and drinks. i think she's bipolar. i provided, and loved, and did everything a loving man would do to show commitment. after she told me to never return, she got a restraining order, and i cannot have contact at all. it was her attempt to shut me out. mood swings were always present. she said it was the best lovemaking she ever had. 3 partners she had. husband was an alcoholic. married man couldnt get a hard on most of the time. me, well im healthy and always ready to please my mate. emotionally with small notes, comments etc. 5 weeks now and i still dont know what i did. i did what a man should do. her mother is always around telling her men are evil. im wealthy, smartand work hard. she never gave like i did. after i mentioned her ex married lover, it was one week to being gone. i love her dearly, but seems like her family and friends come first all the time. she got fired for the affair and is going broke. im so confused, i think really she's bipolar instead of being depressed. is there any hope. im 51 and she's 44. only tie she was sexually aggressuive was when drinking. im hurt please help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

Please clarify this -" her mother was interfearing to the point of telling her what to do. she divorced her husband and had an affair with a married man. it ended. she said he was her soulmate. even after we were engaged."

 

Was she seeing someone else while she was dating you?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
no i dont think so. but she always talked about the hurt and sadness she caused and justified her actions. i did all the work.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

This is just an outsiders view point -

 

If you contributed more to the relationship, it may be possible that she was using you. You may have become her codependent and she might as well have taken advantage of it even if the sexual intimacy/chemistry was good. She could have been emotionally distant-never truly investing herself in the relationship.

 

If she allows her mother to control her adult life, that is a red flag. Regardless of her having a depressive disorder such as bipolar, she can still decide whether or not to listen to her mother;s advice. Unless she agrees with her mother or her mother has some sort of power over her and is emotionally black mailing her, the two of you could have sustained your relationship.

 

As far as hope- there always is hope if she acts independently from what others tell her and as long as she loves you and as a result of it is ready to make changes within herself. Past behavior usually is a decent predictor of future behavior.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
im tired and am looking to move on. it breaks my heart. should i wait on her? i think she still has feelings for the former exlover
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Try to move on and do what is better for you this time. You already gave and gave in the past. Give some peace to yourself now and find someone who would love you back and give you something back in return. It takes both partners to make a relationship work.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
so give up and move on? she broke my heart
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.
Yes, she did break your heart and it's up to you to repair it.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i will let her go. she needs help for herself. i tried my best. i think the ex love she still hols onto. its her loss
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.
I know you want to hear something that would make you feel at ease, but that won't be helpful. At this stage in your life, you've got to look out for yourself. Pain is temporary. Love can be found elsewhere.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

I understand how you are feeling heartbroken and confused about what has happened here. What you need to really understand is that this woman has made several poor judgment calls that have resulted in a fairly chaotic life. Whether this is due to her mother's meddling, her own emotional instability or mental health issues, etc. the fact is that she really is not in a position to be a good partner to anyone at this time. She first needs to get herself together and her life functional, before she could be giving to you (or anyone else).

So, what would be most helpful for you is to look into why you chose this person as a potential partner with all of these red flags waving directly in front of you.

There is a good book I would recommend you read called Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. You can purchase it an amazon.com. It talks about when someone gets so involved with taking care of someone else (who has lots of problems) that your own needs and wants are completely neglected. You want to be sure that you don't repeat this pattern.

I agree with Dr. Rossi that it's up to you, to ultimately find your peace, and to find a partner who is able to both receive AND give. I would encourage you to heal your broken heart by staying active, exercise, being social and eventually dating others. No contact with this woman is a beneficial thing for you.

Move forward from this and take it as a valuable lesson. I wish you the best. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer, so I'm credited for my time. Thank you,

Kristin

Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
Kristin and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i still long to kiss her and miss the morning coffee and night time conversations. thats the hard part. im a kind a gentle man, who isnt afraid to commit to a cause or situation. i raised three wonderful kids. one is becomming a lawyer and one in the army and the other at wake forrest in med school for forensic anthropology. im so lonely right now. a gentle kiss will make a man move mountains. now i have none. thank you. THOM ROBINSON
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
LOOK AT MY REPLY UP THE PAGE PLEASE.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.
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