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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I have a girlfriend of 5 months who I love dearly. A while

Customer Question

I have a girlfriend of 5 months who I love dearly. A while back I f**ked up really bad got drunk and slept with someone else. My girlfriend of course found out. We've already talked a lot and I know I need to stop drinking to save this relationship. I feel terrible and kindof want to die right now (I'm in no danger of being suicidal however my spiritual beliefs well prevent me from even coming close to that) Is there anything I can do to make this up to her? How should I act? I'm completely lost right now please help.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there customer?

Cathy :

Hello?

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

Hello?

Customer :

hi I'm here

Cathy :

Hi good to see you, how are you doing today?

Cathy :

hello?????????????

Cathy :

Hello, are you there?

Customer :

hey sorry

Customer :

I was on another page

Cathy :

Are you able to stay here or are you busy?

Cathy :

hello?

Customer :

I can stay

Cathy :

okay good, if you are busy that is okay too, just let me know

Customer :

I was just waiting for you on another page sorry

Cathy :

okay no problem

Cathy :

I have read your post

Customer :

nope not busy just need someone to talk to about all this

Cathy :

it concerns me quite a bit that you are so hard on yourself

Cathy :

To my understanding you have a girlfriend of five months

Cathy :

not a wife

Customer :

correct

Cathy :

you got drunk, disinhibited and slept with someone else

Cathy :

and you probably have alcoholism

Customer :

but she is incredibly upset

Cathy :

because you have an illness that caused you to sleep with another person?

Customer :

yes I do I've been seeking treatment the past few days

Customer :

every partner she's had has cheated on her

Customer :

she took a big chance on me

Cathy :

so she does not understand that you have an illness

Customer :

I'm really not like that

Customer :

but now all that trust is gone

Cathy :

she took a big chance on you how?

Customer :

no she does and she's really been helpful in my struggle with alcohol

Cathy :

wait, back up

Cathy :

how did she take a chance on you?

Customer :

just by trusting me

Cathy :

nonsense

Cathy :

I have arthritis but my friends dont get upset with me when my joints flare

Cathy :

I have acute flares

Cathy :

bad ones

Cathy :

and they dont blame me

Cathy :

how come she blames you?

Customer :

someone my current girlfriend considered a friend

Cathy :

so I still dont get this at all

Cathy :

You have a genetic disease

Cathy :

you inherited the Gabra2 gene

Cathy :

to alcoholism

Cathy :

how is that your fault?

Cathy :

I dont understand so please help me to understand this?

Cathy :

Hello?

Customer :

and even tho I was drunk I did choose in some way to sleep with somebody else

Customer :

hi

Cathy :

are you there?

Customer :

yes

Cathy :

wait a minute?

Customer :

I'm thinking sorry

Cathy :

I do not understand how it is your fault you inherited alcoholism and I need you to help me to understand this

Cathy :

please

Cathy :

how is it your fault that you inherited this disease

Cathy :

in utero?

Cathy :

help me to understand

Customer :

it's not my fault I'm an alcoholic it's my fault that I did something horrible to someone who trusts me

Cathy :

how could it be your fault that you did something when you were under the influence of a disinhibitor?

Cathy :

how could this be your fault?

Cathy :

you inherited a disease, it got you

Customer :

well really I don't think fault is the problem I just want to rebuild that trust we had

Cathy :

well then first you have to stop taking blame for something that is not your fault

Cathy :

and get some treatment and move on

Customer :

it was a really healthy non-co dependent relationship

Cathy :

and if she does not have the capacity or the understanding

Customer :

I've never had one of those before

Cathy :

oh please

Cathy :

no such thing as co dependent

Customer :

just saying I really don't wanna loose this

Cathy :

thats a term used to blame

Customer :

I've always had really bad relationships

Cathy :

well then she has to wise up

Cathy :

and you have to stop blaming yourself

Customer :

I guess your right about the blaming myself part

Cathy :

You have a disease and you are getting treatment

Cathy :

she has to stop being so condemning and learn a lesson in compassion and understanding

Cathy :

what is wrong with her that she does not get this?

Customer :

I donno she's hurt and scared

Cathy :

scared of what?

Cathy :

that you will relapse?

Customer :

that she can't trust my

Cathy :

you might, treatment for alcoholism is poor

Customer :

that I will relapse

Cathy :

well either she decides you are worth the risk or not

Cathy :

if she decides not

Cathy :

she is not worth your affection

Cathy :

I would not want to be with someone so intolerant

Cathy :

so narrow

Customer :

I know I'm looking for something that's not AA I've tried AA and I think it is a cult plus it has a 4% success rate

Cathy :

exactly

Cathy :

after we chat I am going to send you some resources for help

Cathy :

but for now

Cathy :

we have to hash this out

Customer :

ok

Cathy :

why would you be with someone who cannot or is not willing to understand

Cathy :

why would you choose someone like that?

Customer :

well we are trying to work it out

Customer :

and trust me she's amazing

Cathy :

yes but you are taking all the blame

Cathy :

she is not so amazing if she is blaming you

Cathy :

not to me anyway

Customer :

well she doesn't deserve the blame, and I know that the blame really lies in the fact that I'm an alcoholic

Customer :

and probably have ptsd

Cathy :

how is it your fault?

Cathy :

I dont understand

Customer :

it's not fully my fault

Cathy :

you inherited the gene for alcoholism

Cathy :

its not AT ALL your fault

Customer :

but I could have had the forsight to not get really smashed with my ex girlfreind

Cathy :

we cant pick our genese

Cathy :

how could you know?

Customer :

I could have gotten drunk with someone who doesn't want to sleep with me

Cathy :

you didnt even know you had the gene until I told you?

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

you know if you can make yourself feel bad enough

Customer :

I'm not even sure that gene exists this is the first I've heard of it

Cathy :

you will feel so awful

Cathy :

you can go right out and drink again

Cathy :

Well then I will send you that information as well

Cathy :

you did want to speak to an expert on this right?

Customer :

it also doesn't help that I have a home with a keg in the basement plus a fully stocked wetbar

Customer :

I know I need to change my scenery

Customer :

yes I do want to speak to an expert

Cathy :

well if you make yourself and you allow the girlfriend of five months to help you feel lousy enough than you can use that keg

Customer :

yeah being happy is the best way to avoid that

Cathy :

being rational is the best way to avoid this

Cathy :

using the facts is the best way to avoid this

Cathy :

Look

Cathy :

you have a disease, its genetic

Cathy :

you are getting help

Cathy :

she can either get over it and move on

Cathy :

or get lost

Cathy :

You are the important person in this equation

Cathy :

and if you stay with a woman who blames

Cathy :

you are going to drink again and again and again

Cathy :

she may be amazing

Cathy :

but she will drive you to drunk again and again

Customer :

hmm maybe I'll have to think about that

Cathy :

Heck yes

Customer :

and what that really means to me

Cathy :

Let me ask you a question please?

Customer :

sure

Cathy :

You know I have arthritis and lets say I was in a big flare and you came to my house for dinner

Cathy :

and I dropped the dinner tray

Cathy :

my hands were so inflamed I dropped the tray

Cathy :

on the floor

Cathy :

dinner is ruined

Cathy :

we have to call Chinese for take out

Cathy :

How would you feel about me and what I did?

Customer :

I like chinese

Cathy :

would you forgive me? blame me? feel sorry for me? reassure me?

Cathy :

LOL

Customer :

I would prolly make sure your ok

Customer :

then worry about food

Cathy :

exactly

Cathy :

you would care about me

Cathy :

you would worry that I was embarrassed or upset

Cathy :

you would tell me, thats okay, I like Chinese

Cathy :

wouldnt you?

Customer :

yeah... i would also laugh once you where ok

Cathy :

I am sure I would laugh too :)

Cathy :

but I want you to understand that there is no difference between my arthritis and your acoholism except the stigma and ignorance attached to alcoholism

Cathy :

and you and your girlfriend need some education along these lines

Cathy :

or you will stay sick

Customer :

your right about that

Cathy :

I know that'

Customer :

it's just so hard to find treatment that doesn't make me angry

Cathy :

I agree, its bad out there

Cathy :

and it doesn t work either

Customer :

every time I've gone to AA they made me do things I was not comfortable with

Cathy :

and they blame

Cathy :

make you feel small

Customer :

yes they do

Cathy :

my mentor was an alcoholic

Cathy :

and when I studied with her she taught me volumes

Cathy :

so I do not refer to 12 step programs

Cathy :

I have a few that I will give you when we move to Q and A

Cathy :

first, what part of the country do you live in?

Customer :

ok sounds good

Cathy :

no addresses

Customer :

lake county Il

Cathy :

just city and state

Cathy :

Illinois?

Customer :

yup

Customer :

it's by the wisconsin border

Cathy :

did you have a messy snow week there like we had here this week?

Customer :

the town I live in is round lake beach

Cathy :

oh nice

Cathy :

you have a lake?

Customer :

oh yeah it was awful

Cathy :

It has been a tough winter

Cathy :

snows all the time now

Cathy :

I hate it.

Customer :

right by lake Michigan and there are a few lakes in the area

Cathy :

oh my

Customer :

me to

Cathy :

that is so lovely

Cathy :

I love it there

Cathy :

Lake Michigan is beautiful

Cathy :

how lucky are you?

Customer :

it's ok there is a weird mix of rich and poor

Customer :

living right next to eachother

Cathy :

what do you do for a living?

Customer :

it can cause tention sometimes

Cathy :

yea I am sure

Customer :

I've been unemployed for a while

Cathy :

so that doesnt help either with the drinking does it?

Customer :

but my expertise are in pet care

Cathy :

oh wow how great is that?

Customer :

nope i've got nothing to do

Customer :

except get drunk

Cathy :

what kind of pets do you work with when you are working?

Customer :

dogs usually

Cathy :

oh wow

Cathy :

good for you

Customer :

I worked at this place called save-a-pet for a while

Customer :

it's like dog job boot camp

Cathy :

is that a type of shelter?

Customer :

no kill shelters are a double edged sword because there a lot of dogs that will bite you

Customer :

yeah it's a no kill shelter

Cathy :

dog boot camp?

Customer :

it really is an exhilarating job

Cathy :

and what happened to that?

Cathy :

it closed?

Cathy :

Oh I have a dog that needs boot camp in the worst way

Customer :

no I couldn't take it anymore and moved to another job

Customer :

lol

Customer :

just control his food and you'll get him under control

Cathy :

how come you couldnt take it, too stressful?

Cathy :

this dog is beyond food he is a demon

Customer :

I could speak volumes about the manegment at the time

Cathy :

oh I see

Customer :

5 employees quit at the same time

Customer :

to make a long story short

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

how old are you?

Customer :

23

Cathy :

what about going back to school?

Cathy :

college?

Cathy :

become a vet?

Customer :

once winter is over I plan to study ecology on the internet while I travel around the country and canada

Cathy :

good for you

Cathy :

excellent plan

Cathy :

what will your girlfriend do while you travel?

Customer :

I don't really know what I wanna do with my life I'll prolly end up a teacher

Customer :

we had plans to do it together

Cathy :

teaching is very stressful indeed

Customer :

hitchhiking everywhere

Cathy :

but good for you

Cathy :

okay so be careful

Cathy :

and no drinking on the road

Customer :

oh yeah she's done it before

Customer :

she'd kill me lol

Cathy :

I am not crazy about hitch hiking

Cathy :

I think its dangerous but

Cathy :

okay

Customer :

we would hope trains but it's become very illegal

Cathy :

let me know when you are in Massachusetts so you can come over and boot camp my Westie

Customer :

big jail time penalties

Customer :

sure thing

Cathy :

Oh my I had no idea?

Cathy :

lets move to Q and A

Customer :

ok sounds good

Cathy :

and I am going to give you some resources

Customer :

sounds good to me

Cathy :

it will take about thirty minutes so I dont want you to pick up until then ok?

Cathy :

and one more thing?

Cathy :

the most important thing

Customer :

yes?

Cathy :

I want you to knock off beating yourself up so much. I want you to understand and accept that you have an illness that you did not choose and that it chose YOU. I want you to understand this because it is a fact but also because if you continue on as you are you will be compelled to drink again. I want you also to share my words with your girlfriend. She is lucky to have a nice guy like you and either she forgives you and gets over what happened or she is toast. Are we clear on this?

Customer :

that is the reality of the situation

Cathy :

indeed it is

Customer :

I don't like it to think of it as her as toast, I would just think of it as not working out cuz we can't get over this

Cathy :

She has to get over it.

Cathy :

Not you. She.

Customer :

but I agree and I'll try not to beat myself up so much

Customer :

I've always been really good at that

Cathy :

yes I see ;)

Cathy :

okay Cesar Milan lets move to Q and A, okay?

Customer :

okay lol

Cathy :

you take good care now

Cathy :

bye

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

It will take me about thirty minutes to upload all the sites I have for you. Thank you for your patience. Cathy



Edited by Cathy on 2/6/2011 at 9:30 PM EST
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.
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Cathy
Cathy
243 Satisfied Customers
Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice